SUICIDE DANCER

A young girl struggling with anorexia and self injury.

    “She’s back here again?” the nurse said to the psychiatrist.

    “Yes. She’s back.”

    They both looked through the shatter proof glass window of the nurse’s station out to where the patients on the psychiatric ward were at the skeleton thin girl sitting on the couch in her PJs. On both wrists were white bandages going up to her elbows that looked like casts.

    “Hmmm.” Said the nurse. “This is her third round.”

    “Yup. She’s hopeless, I’m afraid.”

    “Doctor!” Said the nurse in a none too pleased voice. “That coming from you?”

    “You can’t save them all. Some don’t want to be saved.”

    The nurse looked up at the psychiatrist from where she was sitting at the desk working on a patient chart. “You can’t give up.”

    The psychiatrist folded his arms across his chest. “She has anorexia nervosa, on the verge of starving herself to death. She cuts and burns herself. Last time she ended up here for a suicide attempt she took an overdose of her antidepressant meds. The time before she took 100 Excedrin pills. This time she cut both her wrists. And she refuses to eat more than a half a chocolate chip cookie a day. Small cookies, not big ones.”

    “She needs help. That’s why she’s here. We just haven’t found what works yet.”

    “She has anorexia. Anorexics can get well when ever they want. All they have to do is start eating. It’s as simple as that.”

    The nurse frowned at the doctor, not liking him at all at the moment. Two more psychiatric nurses entered the nursing station after finishing what ever they had been doing with one of their assigned patients.

    “She’ll keep coming back. She’s one of those suicide dancers.” The psychiatrist said.

    “Suicide dancers?” The nurse looked through the thick glass partition that separated the nurses from the patients at the too thin girl. She looked like she ought to be dead, how shockingly thin she was.

    The psychiatrist chuckled. “Yeah. Suicide dancers. Those people who go from one suicide attempt to another so they can get admitted into the hospital and receive the attention they so desperately want. They dance from one suicide attempt to another until one of those attempts gets them.” He chuckled some more.

    The nurse’s frown grew deeper. She didn’t like the doctor’s attitude at all. She watched as the girl unfolded herself from the couch and stood up. She looked like death itself. Skeleton thin, sickly pale with dark circles under her eyes. Her cheeks were sunken, she had a dull expression on her face and her eyes where glassy and dazed looking.

    The girl looked toward the nursing station. Even though the psychiatric ward was full she was totally alone, the other patients were avoiding her, it seemed.

    “Look at her.” Said the psychiatrist. “She’s all but dead now.”

    One of the other nurses said, “Those starvers. They’re just trying to get attention.” She laughed, it was cold and uncaring.

    The psychiatrist laughed. It was a very unkind sound as well.

    “You two ought to practice a little compassion.” She said to the doctor and the other nurse. Then she got up and left the nurses station, shutting the shut the door behind her. It automatically locked. Locking the psychiatric ward staff off from the patients.

    The girl had sat down at a table with a sheet of notebook paper and a felt tip pen. Nothing sharp was allowed on the ward. A patient could try to hurt themselves or someone else.

    The nurse sat down at the table. “How are you Jen?” She asked the girl.

    Jen looked up at her with dull eyes. “Okay.”

    “You know Jen; if you don’t eat you’re going to have to be tube fed. Do you want that?”

    Jen’s dull look turned to one of alarm. She seemed to get paler if that was even possible. “No! No! No tube feeding! It will make me fat!”

    “You’re going to die Jen. You seem to want to but I don’t believe it. I think you want to live.”

    “I don’t want to be fat!”

    The nurse looked at Jen. All her bones were sticking through her pale skin. Her skin looked dry like it was tissue paper. She was truly just skin and bones and her night clothes just hung on her.  The nurse wondered how Jen could even move or think.

    She noticed the girl had written a poem on her paper. The nurse quickly read it.

 

To be thinner

Is to be the winner

To eat is to be weak

To eat is to suffer defeat

 

    The nurse sighed. The words the doctor said echoed in her head. Suicide dancer.

    Jen really could be a suicide dancer the way the doctor explained the meaning of the term. Jen seemed to be dancing from one act of suicide to another while slowly starving herself to death. But that was no reason to give up on her. It was no reason not to care.

    Jen deserved to live. Girls with anorexia nervosa were sick. They couldn’t just get well by eating.

    The psychiatrist and some of the nurses just had no compassion. They didn’t understand and they didn’t want to.

    “Well, Jen, it’s like this. You start eating or you will be tube fed.”

    Jen’s bottom lip trembled. “No. I won’t let you make me fat.”

    “You’re committing slow suicide. We’re not going to let you kill yourself by starvation. It’s your choice. If you let us we can help you overcome the emotional problems that are driving you to self-destruct. But you have to eat or our help just won’t work.” The nurse stood up.

    She felt bad for Jen. The girl looked like she wanted to cry. But she was too weak and too dehydrated to do it.

    She’s so far gone she can’t even cry, the nurse thought. She put her hand on Jen’s back and rubbed it in comfort.

    Feeling all the girl’s bones sticking out made the nurse want to cry herself for a moment.

    How these girls with anorexia suffered and how most doctors and nurses resented them, believing they were spoiled little brats acting out, that they could get well any time they wanted to.

    She didn’t think that. She knew girls with anorexia nervosa had real crippling emotional problems that drove them to starve in the first place. Food was not the issue; it was just one of the symptoms. “All will be okay Jen. You’ll get well. You just have to stop trying to commit suicide.”

    The nurse headed back to the nursing station. One of the other nurses buzzed her in.

    She sat down at her spot. “I’m afraid we’re going to have to tube feed Jen. She’s not ready to give up her eating disorder yet.”

    “Suicide dancer.” The psychiatrist said in disgust.

    “You’re attitude isn’t going to help her!” The nurse said with anger.

    “I have a couple patients to see who do want help.” The psychiatrist left the nurse’s station to do his rounds.

    A couple other doctors were on the ward seeing their patients as well.

    The nurse looked through the thick glass to see where Jen was now. The girl was slowly walking to her room.

    I’ll have to keep watch on that one, the nurse thought; she’ll probably try to kill herself to avoid the tube feeding. Death is better than gaining even an ounce of weight.

    The psychiatrist’s words came back to her again. Suicide dancers, going from one act of suicide to another to gain attention. Well, Jen just needs someone to care, someone who really wants to help her so she doesn’t have to be a suicide dancer anymore.

 

Reviews

[Wicahpi]

I happen to know that many are callous and
the only reason they are in the profession is money.
No one should be a nurse or a doctor unless they
have an honest calling to do so. Every one says,
"be a doctor, be a lawyer" do they consider to
whom are they speaking? A good story, though
disturbing and quite sad! Well done

[Star Wolf]

I think this is the sad situation for so many people who end up in mental hospitals. They do more harm then good. They trap people than treat them like they are to blame for their problems then fill them up with drugs. I shiver with horror just thinking about it!

[Calypso]

This is very sad story that makes me have less faith in therapists. I've always wondered if they joke about me behind closed doors. This world needs for nurses like her.

[Sam Severn]

I was watching ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST today before reading this story, n' so the setting n' the storyline really hit home! It's both thought-provoking n' heartbreaking, crafted with details about Jen and the ward and the doctors that bring it to shocking life and composed with real heart! ㋡

[Black Cat Fever]

A very tragic story and one I believe is true. So many 'helpers' in the mental health field are anything but that. They are shockingly judgmental to their patients or 'clients' as some places like to call them. Those in the physical health care field are just as bad. This is an outstanding story that I think could very well happen.

[Ladysue]

Great title...this is so often a sad truth. Compassion is a must in life and especially in this line of work. A very powerful write...well done...

[Jenny Nelson]

Clever title, an attention getter. I'd like to believe that doctors and nurses aren't that callous, but I know for sure some (certainly not all) are. It's sad. What a world we've created in the land of plenty. Great write. Thought provoking.