Invisibility And Me

Unseeing. but sensing
The blackness of your eyes;
Staring into the green of mine.
My heart is pure white; soft, warm.
Yours is dark, tormented by night.
I hear the wind outside my window;
whispering my name.
You hear nothing but silence;
It deafens your soul.
You don't love; you don't hate.
You don't feel the heat of
Midnight Summer;
Nor my hand pressed against yours;
Warmth meeting icy coolness
In the depths of darkness.
I smile at you; the other part of me;
My reflection in the mirror at midnight;
In the darkness of my room.

Author's Note

This is my first real attempt at poetry. Any critique at all is welcome :)

Reviews

[Mr.Writer]

Perfect! This is what I can read a thousand times and won't get tired! It's so good! You have the ability to keep the reader captivated for the whole poem!
These are my favorite lines...
"My heart is pure white; soft, warm.
Yours is dark, tormented by night. "
It's so delicate... so pure and true!
I'm so happy to be reading this masterpiece!
Keep it up! :)

[Tina H.W.]

Your review really made me smile, Mr. Writer. I'm not a natural poet and as this was my first real attempt, I was worried about how it would read to those who write poetry all the time. I'm truly touched by your words. Thank you so much! :)

[Mr.Writer]

No problem! Keep on writing Tina, don't stop, because if your first attempt can be sooo good, the others will be too!! :)

[Tina H.W.]

Aw, thank you! I'm kind of lost for words now... ;)

[Mr.Writer]

Haha, no worries

[Usaid Habib]

Perfect! This is what I can read again and again. Keep it up.

[Sad Poet]

Great poem! I interpret this poem as being about being lost and torn in two. This could also be about losing touch with your emotions. But I'm not always the best at interpretations. Great job!

[Bodine]

This is GOOD! I have a few relatively minor technical suggestions.

[Tina H.W.]

Thank you, Bodine. Please feel free to say what you think. Any helpful advice is welcome :)

[Bodine]

For starters:
- You might lowercase the first letter of each line. That will (among other things, maybe) increase the impact of "Midnight Summer"'s capital letters.
- You might rework the last stanza (one way to do that might be to make it a complete sentence).

[Dr. YumnaKay]

It's hard to believe this is your first attempt, Tina! The metaphors you use, the punctuations and the depth here really portrays class. I would love to read more of your poetic works too! Oh and the twist at the end made me smile lol
Neat write :)

[Tina H.W.]

Thank you so much, Yumna. I'm definitely. Not a natural poet and was worried about submitting this but....I'm really pleased you enjoyed this. I can breath a sigh of relief now. Phew! :) :)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Oh I think no one is a natural poet, Tina. We all learn. You remind me of myself haha when I posted my first poem here I didn't log in for a whole 2 days or so for fear of what reaction it would get lol and it used to be lousy lol
You're welcome :)

[Tina H.W.]

You certainly have nothing to worry about now, Yumna. Your poetry is incredible!
And thank you #^.^# :)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Oh no I have more to worry now if I revert back to my crappiness hahah thank you too! Sorry but I don't blush or I would have at your string of compliments 😂😂😂

[Tina H.W.]

Crappiness?! Ha! Must be the equivalent to my Masterpieces! Haha if you blushed, you'd be the very first female who ever did. Damn can't even get that right :/ :)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Hahahah I thought you did 😉😉

[Mr.Writer]

#KeepingAnEye ;)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Oh God please let their be any other person on whom this guy 'can' keep an 'eye' on 😂😂😂

[Dr. YumnaKay]

*there lol

[Mr.Writer]

Sorry, not going to happen ;)

[Mr.Writer]

Kk Tony, I'll keep an eye on you as well ;)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Oh thank you, Tony! Finally someone came to my aid 😂😂

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Errr pretty horrific picture lol 😂😂

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Umm didn't you? 😉 wasn't it just yesterday? 😎😎😂😂

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Uh uh you just broke my tiny heart 😂😂😂

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Oh so you're more concerned about windows than my poor heart? 😎😎 😛😂

[Dr. YumnaKay]

oh lol yeah it's tiny but it holds tons of emotions :p

[Dr. YumnaKay]

lol lol I didn't know I had talons :p ;) do they hurt? haha

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Hahaha lol you did say that and I might have, you never know 😉😉😂😂

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I do have hawk's eyes Tony 😉 about everything haha 😂😂
Thank you! A compliment for me indeed 😉😂😊

[Dr. YumnaKay]

You can't say otherwise btw 😉😉😂

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Nah don't clean up!! Add it to the many silly hijackings you have done 😛😂😂

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Hahahah that's why you're adorable lol 😂

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Hahahah you know a lot about it 😉😉😂😂

[Mr.Writer]

Whatcha mean? I love chores ;)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Cool! Then you should go help Tony out he's just gone to do some 😂😂😂

[Mr.Writer]

xD I will ;)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Lol that's like a good boy 😂😂😂

[Mr.Writer]

Yep :) I'ma be a good boy :) :D

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Oh yeah and never was there anyone more than you hahah 😂😂😂

[Surya]

For first attempt, it was a beauty...and you did truly well...hope to see more poems from you..:)

[Tina H.W.]

Thank you! Although not a natural poet, I'll try :)

[Surya]

You can Tina, was my pleasure...:)

[Paul]

What a beautifully written poem. Especially on your first attempt! I definitely look forward to reading more of your poetry. Well done!

Paul

[B]

Really you are very talented
The reflection is that element of truth
We all dodge that moment
Seeing what we wish we could unsee
but that mirror is so bright

Really well done
Love your color usage

[Tina H.W.]

Thank you very much, SoloSolace, kind comments such as yours always raise my spirits. Thank you again! :)

[B]

Glad to be of service

[Wórdsmíth]

Read a poetry after a very long time. Glad to read something catchy & captivating this morn. If you won't mention it in your author's note that it's your first attempt, i would've certainly never known that it's in actual your first attempt.. at poetry. I remember the day since i wrote & posted my first poetry of mine on this cafe's site back in 2012, only i know, how bad i was at this. Poor grammar. Very bad usage of words. Unstable sentence structure, and really very meaningless stuffs i ev'n used to write during those learning days, but i see, you're very good at this. Everything you've well structured around... with proper usage of words.

Kinda like the depth of it as well. A bit romantic (of course, from your flowery side, & a bit sensuous, and nasty and erotic and very tender ( certainly, from your lover's side). xoxo

Liked the way you've written it around such deep words. Looking forward to reading your work.

[Tina H.W.]

Wow, Wordsmith, if your review is poetic, I'm certainly looking forward to checking out your poetry (which I definitely intend to do at some near future point) :)
Thank you so much for such a glowing review; I'm actually blushing! It means a lot to me to know that my little poem is appreciated. Thank you so much :)