An untitled short story regarding the nocturnal habits of inanimate objects

Inanimate objects are out to get me. Seriously. I'm not paranoid.

It is my opinion that inanimate objects are nocturnal.  No really.  They're not as inanimate as you think.  If you really think about it, it'll make sense. 

 

This is a true story indeed.  I wouldn't make it up.  No seriously, I wouldn't.  This story is not exaggerated in the slightest.  This is how it happened.  Things get a bit wavy and fuzzy here.  Don't worry, it's just a flashback.  Please return your seat to the upright position as we make our descent into memory.......you may now take off your seatbelts.  We have arrived.

 

One night, right before bed, I was getting stuff ready for the next day.  Making sure the clothes I wanted to wear were clean and didn't need the dreaded iron.  That sort of thing.  All was ready, it was time to go to bed.  Easy enough.  However, after I went to bed it was TOTAL INANIMATE ANARCHY!!  My keys decided they wanted to hide under a chair.  The Cokes for work decided they didn't want me to drink them, so they just walked out of the fridge and out the front door.  My shirt danced around in the closet till it was horribly wrinkled, and my pants......well, they're still M.I.A.  All the matched socks hid far away from each other in the drawer.   And all three pair of sunglasses decided to hide in the same place--a place I would never even think to look. 

 

And it wouldn't be so bad except something like this happened EVERY NIGHT.  I didn't know what these "inanimate objects" had against me, but they seemed dead set on my demise.  And I really  wasn't sure what I could do about it.  How could I stop it? 

 

The answer seemed simple:  never sleep again.

 

And since that wasn't completely possible, I decided maybe I'd turn on the camcorder and film the room as I slept.  When I awoke, I watched the film.  Odd, it didn't record right.  It sorta turned off itself and the battery died.  But the battery was fully charged earlier.  It was then that I realized that the camcorder was in on it too.  It was also an "inanimate object."  Oh yes, the plot thickened.  I could trust nothing that didn't breathe.  It was then that I realized that I was outnumbered.  One small girl against......well, everything else in this place.  If they decided to progress further from mischievous pranks to unnecessary violence, I couldn't stop them. 

 

That night I slept on the floor.  Well, slept isn't exactly it.  More like lay awake in pure terror.  I was frightened.  I knew even the bed could be a guilty party.   They could get me at any moment.  At about 4, I started yelling and ranting and raving about this and asked them how they could do this to me, but then I realized:  they don't speak my language.  And I don't speak theirs.  Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw something move.  They knew I was on to them.  I dashed to the other side of the room and caught my new tee shirt trying to get a stain on it by rubbing itself on the bottom of my shoe.  Ha ha.  No more mysteries here.  No more "how did that get there?"  I knew the truth.  I knew everything.  And I was in danger.

 

I ran to the staircase.  I knew I needed to leave.  But the staircase was on to me.  The stairs tilted just enough.  Not enough so that the eyes could really notice.  But it was tilted.  Unfortunately, I didn't realize it until I was at the bottom of the stairs......sprawled out on the floor.  I went to the door.  It wouldn't unlock.  I tried and tried but I was locked in.  In my last ditch effort I grabbed the cordless phone off the cradle.  I hit the button to get a dial tone.  All the phone did was beep to tell me that the battery was dead.  There's no way it could have been dead.  I knew it. 

 

The next morning I was huddled in the corner, averting my eyes from all the inanimate objects.  They had gone to sleep again.  It was over....at least for one day.

 

So, during the day I have typed this in the hopes that someone else will read it and understand.  I must finish it before it gets dark again and the computer erases this from the hard drive.  It will you know.  Unfortunately, it's taken waaaay too long to write this.  It's very late. 

 

It's almost time for it to start again.  I don't know what I'll do.  I think I just saw something move.  Wow, it looks like my pocket watch is flying toward me.  Well it just stopped.  It's just hanging in midair, swinging back and forth.....back and forth......back and forth............

 

Um.....what was I writing about?

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Eric Lowther]

Yes, but the question remains... is it still called "paranoia" if everything really IS out to get you?

[Tony Simmons]

That was fun, and explains what happens to my keys every night after I leave them on the dresser. Somehow, they're always somewhere else by daybreak.

[Alex Lifeson]

I believe this accurately describes a person's night after taking liquid acid, finally leaving their friends and being left to their own devices at home. This was a very enjoyable read and I thought it ended very strongly with the the stopwatch hypnotising you to forget everything.

Good luck tonight!

[T. L. O'Neal]

I do think you're paranoid or just plain crazy. LOL. No, seriously this was an amusing piece that everyone can relate to. Things like this always happen for some reason or other. Nice write. T