An untitled short story about the afterlife involving karaoke

Two people discover the afterlife is much like the 1970s. There's also singing involved.

They had to question their own theology when they realized Heaven had a dress code.  Apparently, the Pearly Gates had been remodeled sometime around 1976.  Sometimes they were pearly white.  Other times they flashed various colors from the reflection of the disco ball and laser lights.  They expected the ground to be smoky like a cloud.  They did not, however, expect the flashing disco lights underneath the smoke.  There seemed to be a party going on in there, but they had to get by the bouncer, Pete.

 

Pete was all decked out in his white leisure suit, platform shoes, and permed hair.  He sidled up to Susan, eyeing her outfit (which consisted of jeans and a Bon Jovi tee shirt from the Slippery When Wet tour).  He tsk tsked her and looked away.  Next was Ted, who was no better off in his jeans (well broken in…..very well broken in) and a shirt indicating that the companion to his left was indeed stupid.  Susan was intentionally standing to his right.

 

“Oh, no.  This will not do” Peter said.  They could hear K.C. and the Sunshine Band’s “Boogie Shoes” playing inside.

 

Susan and Ted both replied simultaneously with an eloquent “huh?”

 

Pete mumbled something about them not being on the A list, and then answered with “I’m sorry, I just can’t let you in like that.”

 

“What do you mean you can’t let us in like that? Like what?” Susan asked.  Ted just stood there wishing Susan was on his left.

 

Pete replied with “Look, all I’m saying is this place has standards and you don’t meet ‘em dressed like that.”

 

Ted and Susan were stunned, and a little more than confused, as they didn’t even own the clothes they were wearing.  They could see folks through the gates, lots of platform shoes and sequins.  Obviously, they were more than a little underdressed.

 

Susan finally asked why they were dressed the way they were.

 

Pete looked at Susan and said “’Cause that’s the style of your soul, mama.”

 

Ted and Susan tried not to laugh at the fact that he sounded waaaay too much like a burnout from Woodstock.

 

Ted blurted out “The style of our souls?  What the hell are you talking about?” Susan shot him a look and he realized it was a poor choice of words.

 

Pete continued “your soul man.  It has its own style.  Good souls get hip threads, man.  Bad souls get square threads.”

 

Ted and Susan started to wonder what exactly they had done to deserve to look like refugees from a heavy metal concert.  Poor Susan was even stuck with big 80’s hair.   She asked Pete (who was at this time doing a good impression of John Travolta’s character from Saturday Night Fever) why.  He continued dancing.

 

“Look, I’m sorry mama.  I don’t wanna bring you down, but I can’t let you in.  You’re not on the list.  You don’t meet the dress code.  It just ain’t happenin.”

 

“S-so we go to hell?”  Susan stammered.

 

“Not dressed like that.”  Pete started to spin around while Le Chic could be heard inside instructing people to freak out.

 

Susan and Ted were again confused, and quite flustered by this point.  Pete explained further.  “You can’t go to hell dressed like that either.  They have a dress code too you know.”

 

“This is just crazy” Ted said.  “So we’re not dressed properly for either place.”

 

Pete shook his head in agreement, then continued to shake it to the beat. 

 

“So where do we go?” Susan asked “Purgatory? Limbo? Are we doomed to wander the earth like Caine from Kung Fu?”  She started to shake and Ted comforted her on his left.  The shirt was now functioning properly.  Pete high-fived him for that then explained “no no none of that.”

 

Ted asked “So where do we go?”

 

“The Karaoke Room.”

 

“The Karaoke Room?”

 

“The Karaoke Room.”  Pete pointed to a room that had been there all along, only no one had seemed to notice it before.  “Come on, you’ll love it.  And you only have to stay there for well who knows, days, weeks, months, years, centuries we’ll see. By then, you should probably know what “groovy” is, and maybe we’ll let you into the club man.”

 

So they went into the karaoke room.  The door slammed shut immediately upon entry  (locked from the outside).  A guy onstage was singing Margaritaville.  They sat down at a table.  The guy next to them was chain smoking and drinking straight whiskey.

 

He looked at them wild-eyed and asked “Do you know what it’s like to hear Margaritaville 4532 times?  Oh wait, now it’s 4533.”

 

Ted answered “Oh man, how long you been here?”

 

“Three weeks”

 

“What?”

 

“Yeah, that’s the only song anyone seems to know.  You’ll see.”  He went back to chain smoking, his hands shaking.  A woman got up on stage and was about to sing, when a voice came over the PA system “Johnson, Wilma?  Your table is now available.”  The woman breathed a sigh of relief, threw the mic down and ran out the door. 

 

The nervous guy looked at the couple.  “She’d been here 25 years, and every time she sang “I will survive.”  

 

“Where did she go?” Susan asked.

 

“Oh she got out.  She was ready.  Didn’t you see her disco pants?”  He asked like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

 

Ted asked if there was any way to break out or anything.

 

“Nah, Pete’s a bouncer, he’ll just bring ya back and keep ya here longer.”

 

“So what do we do?”

 

“Sing.  Oh, looks like I’m up.”  The man went up on stage and sang Hank Jr.’s “Family Tradition.” (Several people groaned.  Apparently, it was the 1^st runner up in song most played.)

 

When he finished, the dj pointed at Ted.  “You sing next.”  Ted walked to the stage.

 

“What you gonna sing” the dj asked.

 

“The only song I know—Margaritaville.”

 

Reviews

[Kincaid Kjeedo]

Very Clever. A Musical play on the ideals of Heaven and Hell. You have an imagination that shows how clever you are based on your writing. I love the songs you chose. They aren't the kind you like hearing too many times on a radio, or a car trip, or with a bunch of inebriated folk while you drive down the road. Listening to it for almost eternity sounds like the worst way to stay stuck between the two gates. I love it.