The Land of "Fred"

A story about a boy who is whisked away to a magical world. It's also a parody of the stories about a boy who is whisked away to a magical world.

He didn’t know what to think when they told him.

 

“You’re the one.  The one in the prophecy.  You will save our world,” he heard the alligator say. 

 

It had all happened so quickly.  One minute he was walking home from school (he was late since his algebra teacher made him stay after class.  (He was a good student, but tended to daydream a lot, usually about strange and wonderful worlds, the type that feature talking alligators.)  And then it happened.  A sudden flash of light, then an alligator appeared, grabbed him, and disappeared only to reappear in a swamp where the sky was pink, the ground blue, and the water purple.  The alligator was still green, but somewhat shiny.

 

The alligator explained that this was the land of Spxtlazoq.  However, due to the difference in language the correct pronunciation was “Fred.” 

 

He was introduced to a world of whimsy and mystery, where things were what they shouldn’t be and things that shouldn’t be were.  He saw blue unicorns and beautiful witches.  Centaurs roamed the bright red countryside.  Various creatures lived in peace among rainbows and sparkly skies.

 

“We live in peace among rainbows and sparkly skies,” the alligator told him.  The boy, whose name was Nick by the way, was mesmerized, and a little confused as to why they would choose him, as he was just a regular boy.

 

“You’re not a regular boy.  You’re the one in the prophecy.  You will save us from the one that comes to destroy.  He is coming. Our seer has foretold it. 

 

“Um…when?” he asked.  “Cause I get my lunch money stolen at least 3 times a week.  I don’t think I’d be a formidable opponent.”

 

“Oh, not for many years.  We will use this time training you, preparing you for the controntation that will come.”

 

Nick spent a year training, fighting, learning the customs of the land of “Fred,”  He was happy, content.  He felt like he belonged there.  From time to time he wondered what exactly the prophecy said.  Why him?  But then he’d see a dragon fly across the green sky, or the occasional hovering raccoon stealing glittering trash.  And he’d know he was home.

 

But eventually, the curiosity got to him and he found himself in the alligator’s study, which was upside down, in the swamp, and orange.  The prophecy was on parchment (as all prophecies are).  He started to read it.  It told of a child that would be found in the land of the Airborne Mammal (he lived on Flying Squirrel Lane) and schooled at the Six Square (PS 36 to be exact).  It described him in fanciful but accurate ways.  And he understood…that is until he noticed the bottom of the page.  This part of the prophecy went unnoticed for 700 years given the fact that the seer’s tea mug was sitting on top of it and no one bothered to move it.  (The phrase “you can’t get good help these days" started some 8 centuries ago for a reason.)  He lifted the tea mug (we’ll call it tea, but the seer was known for his love of what he called his medicinal tea and would oftentimes turn violent and ransack his study upon imbibing it.  Many prophesies fell victim to these violent fits and there was a 200 year period where the land based their existence on the coming of “The Great Thing That We’re Sure Of, But Can’t Quite Say What It Might Be.”) And it was then that the boy read the most important word of all in the prophecy:  she. 

 

He immediately dropped the mug.  As the ancient mysterious tea began dissolving the carpeting and subsequently the cement underneath, Nick’s heart began to race.  He began thinking in questions like Who? How? Why? And finally Huh?

 

He reread the prophecy.  It described a child, his neighborhood, his school, and even called him Nick the Protector.  And that’s when he realized who Nick was:  Nicole.  Nicole the next door neighbor.  Nicole, who went by Nick sometimes.  Nicole the tomboy.  Nicole that was strong and the type that could fight for the land of “Fred,” and the type that could take someone’s lunch money three times a week.  His heart sunk.  He wasn’t the one.  The talking alligator had the wrong Nick.

 

While the tea had finished with the foundation and was busy burning the swamp underneath, the alligator entered the room from the adjoining billiard room (it was a big swamp).  He could see that there was a problem…in addition to the burning water under the house.  But he saw the scared child and the prophecy, put two and two together, came up with five, and still figured out the problem. 

 

He reread the prophecy.

 

“Oh my,” he said.

 

“Then I’m not the one,” the boy said with disappointment.

 

“Fraid not.  My mistake.”  Then with a flash of light, the boy was home in his front yard.  Nicole ran over and put him in a headlock, then quickly disappeared with a flash of light and possibly the voice of an alligator. 

 

Nick was left to lead a normal life.

 

Of course, if anyone had bothered to move the moldy piece of toast and jam that was beside the tea mug, they might have read the next (and final) portion of the prophecy which said (in much more fanciful terms of course) that the coming of the darkness could easily be avoided by just not trying to find the protector in the first place, because really, it was just going to cause a lot of trouble, being that the Bringer of Darkness and the Protector shared the same name. 

 

 

 

Reviews

[MoriartyMesa]

I like the mix of moment to moment, part of me see's this in something in a graphic novel, another part says the words make the image.


I like this.

[richard hurndall]

I don't see the spoof - I thought it was terrifying! It started off like a childrens story, but then you got the big let-down where hes not 'the one', which just wouldn't happen in a kids novel. I'm going to read more of your stuff.