As We Knew It

A woman chronicles her lost youth.

I thought after fifteen years of marriage and four kids that he would have changed by now, but like mom always says I'm wishing on soap bubbles. Evenutally all my wishes would float to the top of the ceiling and bust.

 

I met him when I was just about to be twenty one and he was about to be eighteen. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was trying to get over my first real heartbreak. We hit it off right away and before I knew it a year had passed and I was pregnant. Then he left and came back and I had two more kids before we married.

 

I wanted a big white wedding with lots of flowers and bridesmaids and a party afterwards where both our families would get together and celebrate. Too bad I had to bargain for a pair of $10 jeans, $15 shirt, a pair of black converse, and a bouquet of baby bottles.

 

That night I cried myself to sleep while he went out drinking and doing God knows what with his buddies. The kids were always needing something and he was always never providing anything. I remember when I had to get that part time job at the grocery store. My mom would watch the kids while I begged and begged my manager to give me more hours just so I could put food on the table. I had to buy our first car with the money the government sent in and what did he do HE WAS GONE WITH IT ALL THE TIME.

 

One night I waited until he walked into the door and confronted him. Big mistake. The police were called. The kids were screaming. My parents came and took the kids and he went to jail. I was left with nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm pregnant" I said to Josh as he climbed into the car.

"What?" Josh asked me.

"You know I'm going to have a baby" I said.

"Why?" Josh asked.

"Because it's ours" I said.

He stared out the window not saying anything. I hated when he got like this. It made me really nervous.

"So what do you want from me?" Josh asked.

"For you to be happy" I said.

"Happy for what?" Josh asked me.

 

I was almost nine weeks along. I had been feeling very sick these past few days and when I finally had the nerve to take a test the results smacked me right in the face.

 

I was twenty-two years old and Josh was nineteen. We'd been steady somewhat for a year. I really loved him, but I wasn't sure how he felt about me.

 

"Happy that you're going to be a dad" I said.

"Do you have any weed?" Josh asked.

"Yea" I said and gave him the bag.

 

 

He took a swisher out and started rolling.

 

"Are you going to smoke any" Josh asked.

"I can't. I'm pregnant" I said.

"My mom smoked with me" Josh said.

'And it shows' I thought, but wouldn't dare say it outloud.

"Are you going to tell her?" I asked.

"Tell her what?" Josh asked.

"That I'm pregnant" I said.

"I don't know" Josh said.

"Well I'm not telling her. She already hates me" I said.

 

Josh pulled out his lighter and started sealing the swisher closed. Then he lit the end and took a hit.

 

"We should move in together" Josh finally said.

"Really?" I asked getting excited.

"Yea" Josh said.

 

I had had my own apartment for six months now and I'd been begging Josh to move with me. This was such a relief.

 

"When?" I asked.

"Whenever" Josh said.

"Will we be happy together?" I asked.

"There you go asking stupid questions" Josh said taking another hit.

"I just want to be happy" I said looking out my window.

"Good" Josh said.

"I want a boy" I added.

"Got anymore weed?" Josh asked.

"That's it" I said.

"Are we going to your place?" Josh asked.

"For what?" I asked looking at him.

"Don't act dumb" Josh said.

"We shouldn't" I said knowing exactly what he was talking about.

"Then you do me" Josh said.

"Ok, right in here?" I asked.

"Yea" Josh said and reclined the seat.

 

'I love him' I thought.

 

"So it finally happened huh?" Margie said.

"I didn't think it would" I said.

"He's moving in?" Margie asked.

"Yea" I said.

"Will he pay rent?" Margie asked.

"Probably" I said.

"Is he still selling that s**t?" Margie asked.

"I think so" I said.

"You shouldn't have that around you" Margie said.

"Well look who's talking" I said.

 

Margie had been my friend for years. I'd seen her spiral out of control with her drug habit. She had finally cleaned up two years ago and now she acted like she was better than everyone who was doing drugs.

 

"I'll admit I'm not saint, but if you're bringing a baby into this world with him then you should take care of yourself first" Margie said.

"I am taking care of myself. I went for an ultrasound. The baby is nine weeks old and in about six weeks I'll know the sex" I said.

"Does Josh want the baby?" Margie asked.

"He'll want whatever it is I tell him he wants" I said.

"You do know that you're not fooling him, right?" Margie asked.

"Josh is smart. He see's everything" I said.

"Is it even his?" Margie asked.

"What?" I asked.

"You told me Max was at your house a few months ago, did anything happen between you two?" Margie asked.

"NO! How in the world could you think that's possible? I Love Josh!" I screamed.

"Look I have to go" Margie said.

"Yea to go smoke some crack" I said and clicked end on my phone.

 

Max was my first love. He and I dated a year before I met Josh. We were mostly just friends, but occasionally we had sex. Yes it was unprotected, but I trusted him. By the time I saw him I was already pregnant so there was no way it could be his. This was Josh's baby.