Nineteen: Nobody's Angel

I brought Liam upstairs and proceeded to calm him down. There was nothing I could do about Greg at this point because things were just too far gone. I really needed to do laundry and the sooner I got Liam to sleep or at least calm down so he could go downstairs into the laundry room with me. As I rocked Liam and prepared a bottle with my other hand (I was becoming quite the pro at it too) I thought about Greg.

Had our relationship been purely lust? Had there been nothing between us except sex and that’s the way it would always be? I couldn’t accept it. Ugh, with all this thinking I really needed a blunt. It’d been a long time since I smoked any marijuana and the stress of this all and I knew Jimmy would be able to hook me up with whatever I needed. We hadn’t spoken since he broke up with Destiney, but I knew I could always count on him for a blunt.

“Hey, it’s been a long time since your number has popped into my phone,” Jimmy said with a deep voice which gave me the shivers.

“I know, but things have been hectic,” I started, “are you busy tonight?”

“No why?” Jimmy

“I need to smoke really badly!” I exclaimed in the most pathetic voice I could muster up.

“Where’s your son?” Jimmy asked which made my skin crawl for some reason.

“We’re getting ready to do laundry and he’s right here,” I said with annoyance dripping throw my tone.

“Once he’s asleep send me a text and I’ll meet you by the park,” Jimmy said before abruptly disconnecting the call.

Suddenly the feeling of being completely alone crept back on me like a thief in the night. I didn’t know exactly where I was headed. Besides the modeling job that was providing me with a steady income and raising Liam I didn’t have much a personal life. I didn’t have friends outside of those who already had children so hanging out with Jimmy was going to be an important stepping stone.

I stuck the letter from Eddie in my back pocket right before Greg and Cadence had arrived, now I placed the letter safely in my clothing drawer under some t-shirts to ensure no one found them easily. I loved being admired, but at what cost? My son deserved his father and what had I done except make a mess of things? I didn’t understand how Greg could think the paternity test he snuck and took was accurate. Somehow forces I hadn’t dealt with in a long time were at play against me.

It took all my strength not to march down to the Finster home and verbally assault everyone inside. Who were they to deny my son? What made them so great? I thought back to one summer ago when Greg and I had our first sexual encounter. It was exhilarating, but now I saw how truly reckless I was being. Unprotected sex always led to babies; how could I be so dumb?

Liam was playing softly in his crib. I quickly pulled out a fresh bottle of nursery water and mixed him a bottle. Once Liam had the bottle in his hand I saw sleep to come over his eyes. He lay down without a fuss and quickly fell asleep. His latest evening with Greg must’ve tired him out. I looked down on my son, sleeping peacefully. He looked a lot like me, but whatever features of mine he lacked Greg’s quickly took over. There wasn’t much I could do right now to prove that Greg really was Liam’s father.

I’m not sure why I was adamant about Liam’s paternity anyways. It didn’t matter if the test was inaccurate and Greg was his father because it wasn’t like that would fix our broken family. Greg was a married man who was trying to keep his wife happy which really burned me up on the inside. At what point in time had Greg ever attempted to keep a smile on my face? He adored me, yes, but when was my joy ever his priority?

I quickly gathered up my clothing to be washed. Hauling everything down was made easier without Liam and with the help of new mesh textured laundry bags that made going up and down stairs easier. I passed by the living room and Celia was still lying on the couch. Something told I needed to confront her about the events which transpired earlier once I came back from the laundry room, but she was gone by then.

Much to my surprise however the front door sprung open to reveal Kevin in full form.

Now a college attendee Kevin was sporting his high school senior class ring and whole new attire. I’m not sure why I hadn’t seen it before, but Kevin really seemed suited for college life. He looked refined.

“Hey,” Kevin called out to me as I was headed to the stairs.

“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a little bit,” I said which was true.

“I know, I’m so busy on campus I haven’t had time to come over and see how everyone is doing,” Kevin told me.

I wasn’t sure if I should head back upstairs or stay and chat.

“Oh, well you’re here now and as you can see everything is peachy keen,” I blurted with tears fighting to escape my eyelids.

“What’s going on now?” Kevin asked as he closed the door.

I didn’t sense any real concern from him, but some fresh ears to my newest plight were always welcomed.

“Greg and his wife, Cadence, were just here and before they arrived with Liam a lawyer called to tell me Greg isn’t Liam’s father because a secret paternity test Greg took came back negative,” I explained with one tear slipping out from the corner of my eye.

I’m surprised he didn’t take the test earlier,” Kevin exclaimed in a voice void of empathy, “I didn’t think Greg was Liam’s dad anyways. He’s way too much of a wimp.”

“Ugh, it’s not about bronze or brains anymore!” I was becoming quite emotional, “all the dates match up to Greg and I know he is Liam’s father, the test is wrong!”

“We’re studying genetics in my Biology class and tests like the one Greg took are rarely wrong,” Kevin said as he sauntered over to the couch, “you need to move on and stop trying to pin the kid on any sucker willing to put up with your s**t.”

“Why did I even bother talking to you?” I asked myself very loudly.

“Train wrecks always love pulling people into their drama,” Kevin continued, “frankly I would’ve been shocked if you hadn’t said a damn thing to me.”

I couldn’t stand to hear another word of this and quickly climbed the stairs. I was breathing so roughly once I reached my room I had to sit on my bed for a few moments to avoid passing out. I had to get out of here. It had been less than thirty minutes since Liam fell asleep and the sun was still out, but I didn’t care. Jimmy needed to come over, now!

“There’s a spare room here with Kevin being gone so we can just smoke in there,” I explained less than fifteen minutes later to Jimmy over the phone.

“I’m not trying to get caught up in drama, but if you want me over there I’m on my way now,” Jimmy told me in a stern voice.

I didn’t understand why he was being so rude to me and I made a mental note to ask him that when he arrived.

“Ok, come now and don’t bother knocking on the front door it’s not locked,” I said ending the call as I spoke.

Ever since Kevin had moved out for college his room was left in its same condition. While on the phone with Jimmy I peeked outside to make sure there were no nosy neighbors watching the place for trouble. At the same time I saw Kevin get back into the brand new ride mom gave him as a graduation present and zoom off. This was perfect timing.

It would take Jimmy about twenty minutes to arrive which was just enough time for me to shower, shampoo my hair, apply eyeliner, lipstick, spray a little perfume, and put on an outfit which took attention off my stomach.

I heard the door open and close while I was going from my room to Kevin’s so I assumed it was Jimmy. When the footsteps finally arrived at the top of the staircase I was face to face with an old flame.

Before I'd become pregnant with Liam there were many guys in and out of my life and Jimmy was a familiar one. He was an African-American guy, one year older than me, and once the star of Graham High’s football team until Langston was reinstated as quarter back. Jimmy’s fall from grace had hit him hard and I felt partly responsible. Once I forgave Langston for raping me last summer he became the school’s comeback kid.

Jimmy looked like he had dropped at least forty pounds since I last saw him which didn’t surprise me. I’d known Jimmy to smoke methamphetamine with his marijuana. It was a dangerous game Jimmy was playing with his health, but I was no one to preach to him since I was no angel.

“Hello there,” I said to Jimmy who grinned at me.

His once perfect teeth looked dingier and dare I say yellow! I was almost taken aback until Jimmy pulled out the baggy of marijuana which contained 10 pre-rolled joints. It was just what I needed.

“Where’s Kevin’s room?” Jimmy asked.

“Right here,” I said pointing to the door I’d left opened.

“Let’s get in there,” Jimmy said advancing towards me and taking my hand.

I didn’t object or protest as a matter of fact once we were inside I quickly closed the bedroom door.

“Liam is asleep and he shouldn’t wake up for another few hours,” I explained to Jimmy who wasn’t really listening at this point.

“I brought a lighter because I didn’t think you’d have one,” Jimmy said, “I know you don’t do it, but half of these joints have meth in them, you down?”

“After the day I’ve had I don’t really give a damn,” I said as I grabbed the bag from Jimmy and he threw me the lighter.

“It’s nothing to play with,” Jimmy told me as he took the bag pack, “once you smoke it you’ll never be the same again.”

“I’m not afraid of never being the same!” I exclaimed, “my life is already a mess, why should I care now?”

“Your baby is in the next room, I know which ones are mixed so I’m giving you straight for you now,” Jimmy said to me.

Jimmy handed me a joint and I smelled it. The odor of marijuana lingered in my nose; I immediately felt dizzy.

“Lighter?” was all I managed to ask.

The first spark is always the sweetest. Before becoming pregnant with Liam I experimented with marijuana or weed as everyone else called it. The feeling truly is euphoric. I’m not sure how long we were in there until the door burst open, but it was long enough for me to already be giggling.

“What’s that smell?” Arthur demanded to know as Jimmy stood up.

Something about his tone made me roar with laughter. I tried to stand up too, but couldn’t.

“Get out of here,” I said coming to my senses.

I was finally able to stand up and wobble to the door.

“Are you smoking weed in my house?” Arthur demanded which made me very angry.

“This will never, ever be your house!” I screamed and Jimmy took my hand so I wouldn’t fall.

“What’s going on?” I heard behind Kevin ask coming in from behind Arthur, “whoa, it smells dank in here.”

“Yup, it’s that good fire!” Jimmy answered Kevin which made my laughter explode again.

“You have a baby to take care of!” Arthur yelled in my face.

“He’s asleep,” I retorted and leaned on Jimmy to hold me up.

“Dude, you have to leave,” Kevin said to Jimmy.

“No, we’re going into my room,” I announced, “get out of our way.”

“Hey,” Mike said coming up the stairs, “I can smell that crap outside, who’s smoking?”

“Oh, my goodness!” I heard myself scream.

It must’ve been the THC hitting me all at once because again the room was spinning. I suddenly felt very claustrophobic.

“This ain’t cool, I’m ghost,” Jimmy said and pulled me forward.

Jimmy pulled me towards the stairs just in time for me to feel like I was regaining a little bit of composure over myself.

“Hey, Kevin, watch Liam for me will you?” I felt myself half screaming as Jimmy toted me towards the front door.