My Life as a Father

Losing love, becoming a single father and what I learned along the way

            I can relate to those single mother stories, single father stories or single parent stories I hear so often out there, or how about a just call me Dad, do not ask me my real name because I do not remember story. Well, that is my story. Do not get me wrong, I am not complaining. Though it has been in one way of looking at it the hardest thing I could have ever imagined doing in my life, it has also been the most enjoyable years of my life! I would not trade these years of my life for anything!!! My children taught me a meaning about life I could have never known. I have felt hell, felt its poison and darkness at times around me, trying to take over my view on life. It's weapon, a broken heart, forsaken love, and more confusion than the mind should be able to fathom trying to figure out how I got there all of a sudden alone, from an angel that I once loved with all my life, creating a life, a world that finally made such complete perfect sense suddenly turning into something dark & cold, and changing beyond understanding. To this day, I still see it as some sort of possession that overtook her or that was coming after me. 11 years together, in a relationship I saw lasting forever. Then one day it is just over. The insanity that followed was the hardest thing I have ever come close to experiencing. Not only did I watch as she walked away from my life, our life, but walked right into the life of others as though our lives held no value and maybe never did. Was it all a lie? Where do the lies end and when did they begin? And do I dare ever put my trust in such a thing again? Still working on that one. This was my hell.

 

Now on the other hand, I refuse to let my children out of my life. If she chose to go, it was on her own. And thank God, she did. My daughter, 1 1/2. My son was only 9 months old at the time. And for the last 6 1/2 years I have raised them on my own. And this time I have spent with my children. This has been my heaven. Scared as hell, brokenhearted, and all alone. Except for my children. Which was my strength against all the pain that tried to eat away my soul. And my greatest teachers in the most important things in life to ever know. One foot firmly planted in heaven, with them by my side. Hell, right there before me, constantly tearing at my heart, trying to reach my soul, and using their mother to do it. At such great attempts as bring another child into our lives forcing me, us to look at the power she had on me, on us, to have to look at and face the reality of her walking away on us a starting over elsewhere. It failed though, instead of her bringing me, us more pain, with the new child she put into our lives we found more joy, collectively despite the darkness she brought in making it happen. In this I found far more power in being a father to my three children than she would ever have the power in taking away. But the love I had/have for my children protected me and gave me strength to rise above and see beyond all the chaos that was before me. And in all this I learned the true meaning of LOVE, and the power that can come from it. What I went through, and where I am now, has been a growing experience with so much for me to learn from it, and understand about what life can be if one chooses to open up to it. Sometimes I felt like giving up, times I thought I was going to lose it. By holding on, I found answers to questions about life I would have never known the extreme truth of. My kids gave me strength I could never have even begun to imagine. They were the answer to all my confusion & questions, they were the answer to how to deal with every situation. Their LOVE showed me how to deal with all my pain. Their Love blocked anger from consuming my life. I found, to my complete amazement that with all the love I felt inside for my Children, that pain, anger, and hate, could not touch me. It made itself known, and too often demanded my attention. And that is when I became aware of what selfishness is. And the Love of my kids showed me that this is something I did not want to be, and that it was a choice I had the power to make, not to be. It became clear to me, My Love for them, I should make it very clear for them to see.

 

So, through the years, many dark things have haunted me. All the things I now choose to see as lessons that I chose to learn from, in order to understand the most important thing there is to know in life, or about life. LOVE, what it is, what it feels like, the power within it, and the awesome reality behind it. How different life can be with LOVE in it. Love is all there is in life. That darkness cannot exist where LOVE is. Love is a blinding light. With it, things in life make so much more sense. Even when they make no sense at all. I went through things; I have no idea how I made it through. I took on responsibly that I had no idea how to do. I faced a future that was darker than anything I could imagine. And it was the very next hour that I faced not knowing what I was going to do next. Scared as hell. A grown adult, lost, without any answers. And no one to turn to. Until I turned to my beautiful children. And all the answers were suddenly right there. My two, no, my three children are angels that were sent to me, to show me I had a strength in me that I could have gone through my entire life being blind to. The true meaning of LOVE. And God, I thank them for that. And Lord, I love my children! They have awakened me in so many ways. They have taught me things, as if I were a child, and they were wise adults. They have helped me to grow and reminded me to stay young. They have shown me my ignorance and reminded me of the beauty and wisdom of innocence. And in this, I have thrown away my arrogance, and chose not to be their authority and teacher. But to be their friend, and all too often student.

 

I think as parents these days, with so much going on. We force it upon our children to grow up too fast. Taking away so much of what we could and should have given them. Or simply enjoyed watching them and letting them be. Without even realizing that we are doing it, and we can never go back and give them the things as children they should have been allowed to do and to be. I am very focused on this! I look back on my memories as a child and cherish them dearly. Those of them I can remember. The ones that stand out, reminding me how wonderful it was to be a child. Those memories are the only thing that kept the child inside of me alive. I wish I had more memories of my childhood. Well, now it is within my power, and it is completely up to me, and my responsibility to give my children, my wonderful, deserving, innocent, children memories that will make them who they become. I want them to remember a happy childhood. And I have the power to give this to them. What a gift! And here is a bonus, a gift for yourself as well. The memories you make for your children will also be yours. For they grow up so fast, it is hard enough remembering when they were little. So, make them memorable years. This to me is what it means to be a parent! Not just raising them. But finding true meaning in your life by being everything you can to your children. Giving them things you wish you would have had in your childhood. LOTS OF LOVE AND ATTENTION!!

 

Being a parent is a hard thing to be sometimes. Being a single parent can truly be the hardest thing you may ever do. Being a single male parent, do not get me started! But the reward that can come from doing it right, no matter how hard, is beyond words. And the LOVE you can get or find in being a parent is everything there is to life. If you care to see it. The day I opened my eyes and saw two little lives before, that belonged to ME! My life had meaning! My life for the first time had purpose! I find my life so much more enjoyable living it for someone else's happiness. I have come to realize that the pursuit of my own personal happiness is a dead end. For my ego always wants more. But the happiness I get from seeing the Joy in my children fills me completely.

 

            I went through some crazy, painful times. But my children gave me a reason to see beyond the darkness and kept me from losing sight. Today, Savannah is twenty-four. And my son, Cody, is twenty-two. And they are still very much my teachers, and my guiding light. I thank God, I found it in me to open up my eyes!

                           Timothy G. Britton