Beginnings?

It begins the same way it always does, I’m home alone, in the living room, curled up with an unnecessarily large cup of coffee and my favourite book, and everything is silent. It feels almost as though I am completely alone in the world. Well, alone except for you of course...

First I hear the thud, as if something heavy had been dropped upstairs, I sit perfectly still, over the years I have lost count of how many times I have heard your arrival, but could this be it? Could this finally be the night you allow me to see you? I hardly dare to breathe.

Next I hear footsteps, landing heavily in the hallway upstairs, followed by clanging down the stairs. Electricity seems to be dancing through my body and it is all I can do to stay still.

Suddenly you’re in front of me, out of nowhere, there you are. Surely no eyes had ever been so blue? No smile could ever possibly have been so bright? Finally I understand what the authors of those awful cheesy teenage romance novels mean when they use the expression ‘weak kneed’

Up until this moment I have gone through life in a deceptively straight line, not easy, but easy to understand. Not simple, but simple to understand. I have issues, but they’re straightforward... nothing about you is straightforward, nothing about you is easy or simple...

You’ve turned my innocent heart into a hungry mess...somehow, you’ve gone from a shadow in the distance to a recurring guest in my wildest dreams, a dangerously addictive presence... you’re the habit I don’t want to break. Simple looking into your eyes does more than set my soul on fire; it’s as though you breathe life into my very being, awakening every cell with just a look, just a smile. I have become a willing prisoner.

You have uncovered my soul and you have no idea, no idea how much power you hold no idea how easy it would be for you to completely destroy me. It scares me, so much more than I ever thought it would, because I didn’t notice, I was so focused on turning my face to the warmth of your sunshine that I failed to see the cliff I was walking towards, I failed to notice how much you had come to mean to me or how much I have come to care... I didn’t notice, and now that I have, I’m on the edge of that cliff, afraid to take the next step the one that I know will see me falling into your arms or crashing into the waves below should you decide not to catch me...And darling, I can’t swim...

All of this within moments of laying eyes on you for the first time, and yet I feel as though I have known you forever... it’s as though I’m being lifted up and dragged down all at once, you’re mesmerising, I don’t think I could ever pull my eyes away...

Maybe that’s the reason that I don’t see the knife until it’s too late...