UPDAAAAATE

Since I last wrote..

Okay. So, I've finally made it to my senior year! The classes I have right now, are pretty simple. First, Criminology with Mr Ryan. Second, Speech Communications with Mr. E. Third, I have Sports and Entertainment Marketing with Ms. Pederson and finally Varsity Choir with D RUS! It's great having choir as my last class. It's an awesome and easy end to my daily schedule. Tricia and I have become the Main B*****s in Varsity. We're trying to make Jess proud by carrying on her legacy. So far, I think we're doing a pretty bomb a*s job lol. The new sophomore class seems to be afraid of us, which makes me kinda happy. =D I can't wait to leave Park. I mean, yeah, Im gonna miss the routine but I'm ready for the next step in my life. I'm ready to spread my wings and fly away. Hopefully, I can move out to Idaho next summer and live with the McCarley's. I'll be able to live with my little cousin, who is 6'5 by the way, but that is way beyond the point. I might even hook up with Cody, if the time is right. I don't know where either of us will be at that time in our live's. Well, at least I'll know where he'll be by next summer. He's still on probation for 2 more years for drug dealing and addiction. He's clean right now, or at least that's what he says. I really hope he is, because I don't want to see him get into anymore trouble than he's already in. I also have to think about the fact that's he's going to be 18 soon so the consequences of his actions, will be a lot more harsh than they are now. The more I think about it.. I think I could seriously spend the rest of my crazy life with him. And have cute, little babies. LOL I mean, I love him enough to have his kids, even though I don't really like children all that much. But that's just a sacrifice I'm willing to make for him. I'm also willing to leave my old life, friends and family behind, just so I can be with him. Yeah, I know that sounds totally stupid, considering that he and I are only 17. But I dont care, I think you can feel true love at any age. And obviously, I feel it a lot. I think, honestly, the biggest problem I'd have, is being 100% faithful to him. That's only difficult to me because I'm a big fan of male attention. Whoreish? Sure, but I really could care even less as to what your opinions are. I don't want to hurt him because I know that he trusts me. But at this point, I dont trust him but that's only because I've had a really tough past with him and I'm not completely sure if he's going to be as committed as I am. The only reason we aren't dating now has to deal with the distance. We both want someone that we can see and be with as much as possible. I'm almost positive that we'll be back together by next summer. I really hope for that. I want him to be my future. But we're apart, just temporarily though. He says that he's not dating anyone else, but I kind of have doubts about that. He doesn't know and I don't know if I should tell him but I am dating someone else, at least for the time being. The only reason I don't want to tell him is for the simple reason of me hurting him. He gets jealous really easily, as do I. And if he finds out I'm with someone else right now, he might try to get back at me by screwing some s**t out in McCall.

 

Alex. The temporary replacement to my Cody. We've been together for a little over a month. But you never know, I might fall for him.. and that kind of scares me. I dont know, love is way too complicated. Sometimes, when I think about it, I wonder if loving and being in love is really even worth it.. But than, I think about Cody. He means the world to me.. so does Alex. And that is my biggest challenge right now. The more time I spend with Alex, the more I like him. He's good to me and he takes care of me. But I dont want to get too close to him for two separate reasons. One, Im still crazy about Cody. And two, I'm afraid of getting hurt the same way I did with Jaymie.

 

Ugh. Jaymie Spencer Ballwebber, also known as, the biggest mistake in my history of relationships. He's a huge sweet-talker. My family accepted him and I was in love with him. We were together all the time, considering he lived practically around the corner from me lol. There was a few times that I actually had gotten sick of him being at my house and messaging me on MySpace, constantly. Clingy much? Yeah, I think so. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's nice to get the attention from someone you love so much. But sometimes, you need a little time and space for yourself. Its funny when guys get so freaked out when a girl says she needs a little space. They automatically think the worse and believe that the relationship is going to end right then and there. But mostly, we just need some girl time. Time to take bubblebaths and time to paint your toes. But back to Ballwebber, I dont love him anymore, at least not in the same way I did. I have to admit that I do think about him sometimes and wonder if he's happier with Becca than he was with me. I'm not trying to sound stuck up, but he truly did miss out on a good thing. I was changing for him, being faithful, not cutting, actually eating. I even tried my hardest to keep him and myself out of trouble so we could be together. And damn, I'm a very good kisser.. and so is he. ;] I think is what I miss the most.. and the way he held me in his arms and whispered 'I love you' into my ear. I hate myself for being so naive about that situation.

 

Even though it hasn't been that long since we've broke up, I truly think I've grown up. I'm starting to think about myself and my own future. I'm trying not to concentrate so much on other peoples problems. S**t, I have enough of my own lol. I know it sounds bad and that I seem like a b***h but I dont want to be stuck here forever. I have a life to look forward to. Obviously, I have a life now but only because I'm breathing. When I say I want a life, I mean the ability to make my own decisions and choosing the path to my own life. It's a lot of responsibilty but I need to take it on head first. Never regret something that once made you smile.. my words I live by. Yeah, Ive been hurt in the past, but Ive grown from my experiences and I get wiser everyday. I want to have real stories to tell at my 10 year high school reunion, that's if I actually go. I kind of want to go to Onamia's reunions too. As well as their dances, games and anything else I can go to.

Reviews

[Dan Hiland]

Kayla: Your piece is entertaining, but to me the most interesting thing was the structure: a profile of three boyfriends- present, past and future. Maybe this is just a rant you have posted, but you could turn it into an essay (a commentary on the nature of love), or a short story.
Thanks for sharing this.