Chapter 1 - Doubt

The background of me.

Here I was, once again, sitting in the local church. It was the same old stories year after year. I really could have fallen asleep - at least, that’s what I thought. The people that surrounded me loved coming here every Sunday. Well, I was a doubtful twelve year �" old; I always strayed from what my parents told me. I could make up my own beliefs. Who were they to tell me what to believe? Then again, all teenagers must think like that; and I was just another one. My atheistic mind always doubted things without proof, evidence or logic. I suppose it’s just how my mind worked, we all have our own ways �" some people like to believe in what I call ‘fairy - tale books’ aka The Religious Scriptures. Some people like to say I’m closed �" minded, well considering I was raised in a house with a religious mother, who did want me to be Catholic; I’d say it’s not true. Believe what you want to believe �" but hate on me, I’ll hate on you.

 

What else about me? I certainly knew from a young age I was homosexual. In fact to be exact I noticed I thought boys were better looking than girls at nine. This was of course confusing for an innocent nine year �" old. As any curious child would �" or maybe just some �" I noised on the internet for information. After hours of clicking, I’d come across what was known as ‘gay’. Being your average nine year �" old, I was confused. Wait so some men liked men? What was this? I had seen it on T.V. soaps but I didn’t know it actually existed! After shutting down the computer I pondered over this new discovery. Is this what I had been feeling? The days past, I eventually labelled myself as gay.

 

Swiftly moving onto my ten year �" old era: What did I decide to do? I told my best friend I was gay. Some people would have thought this was stupid. You know thinking back on it, it probably was. Children fail to understand many things; some things should be locked up until the right time. At least in my view they should. But I was getting angry; I was tearing myself up. I didn’t want to be gay; what ten year �" old does? Anyway, it seemed like I had a true friend. What did he do? Well, quite simply, nothing. It turned out he was one of the best friends I’ve ever made. I actually still talk to him until this day. He didn’t care one bit. You didn’t find many people like that back then, never mind kids! Most kids as immature as they can be would have simply judged me.

 

Damn, it was such a terrifying experience for me to move into secondary school at the age of twelve. I knew I was losing all my friends �" yes every one of them. They were all going to schools I had wanted to go to, but living far away from my primary school, I had to find another one. As the summer holidays approached I could feel the nerves kicking in and my heart was down. Shockingly, when the day came and the whole class �" except a select few �" were crying, I was emotionless. At least on the outside I was. What was it about me? I can never understand how I feel so many emotions but cannot express them physically. I can recall painful family events were I was as cold as ice. I don’t mean to be like that, it’s just how I am. I probably will never understand it.

 

First day of secondary school: once again nervous but as cold as ice. Unfortunately, I had bought the wrong colour of shirt for school. Oops, just as silly mistake you might think? Well that silly mistake turned into my bother for the rest of the day. The laughs I got, the looks I received, and the whispering I heard �" the surge of mixed emotions made me want to scream. I was the odd one out. Not being that good �" looking either didn’t make things any better. I was told that I had the downs, I was deformed, I was a loner, and the list went on and on. I doubted I was going to enjoy my time here. How was I going to make friends? Who could I talk to? Was it going to get better? All these questions flooded my head.

My heart began to harden more as the days went on. I knew if I wanted to survive here, I was going to have to toughen up. I was never the one to care what people thought, but I was never the one to stick up for myself. It was such a big jump from the kind, loving and caring people at primary school. My usual smile was wiped from my face, and my heart was torn. Of course, my mother and father simply told me to ignore them. How was I supposed to simply ignore them? I didn’t know. But time went on anyway; I simply stood outside the football courts with, well, no one. I had a feeling of awkwardness but more than that - fear. Was my entire life at this school going to be like this? Well my heart rose when I had someone ask me: “Want to be my friend?” How could I deny when I had been so lonely?

 

But still the only place I felt safe was at home at my computer. As geeky and nerdy as I sound �" yes I was a computer geek �" it was true. I was always working on some new website; constantly trying to succeed, although it never seemed to happen. My pride and joy was my Tomb Raider fan website. I suppose you could say it was sort of fan club. Of course it never succeeded because of the pile of Tomb Raider fan websites out there. But let’s not banter on that subject.

 

So now you know more about my background, here we are back in the church. As the priest announces the mass has ended, I think to myself: “finally.” Well nearly all teenagers do �" and I just another one of them.