Personal Expeditions

Sailing the seas with my newfound zeal and sense of exploration

10/15/16: The End of the Beginning

Although I’ve been trolling around pretty heavily for the past few days on FB, I’m going to start keeping a close watch on the watches/watchers now. I’ve noticed how much time I spend on one particular aspect or topic has a direct correlation to what pops up in my NewsFeed. For example, if I spend a lot of time talking about politics-which is difficult to avoid given our coming election-I get more political related issues and topics in my feed. Also, there seems to be a presence lurking on my account. I believe the Anonymous Hacktivist Group has taken a certain interest in my goings-on of late. Last night I was spammed hard by an Anon group in my feed; every post was from one of their groups. I went down about 30 different posts on my feed; every last one of them was theirs. I like to think I know what they were up to. They were saying to me, “you’ve piqued our interest, now let us pique yours.” Needless to say, it frightened me a little. I know these guys have powerful people in almost every nook and cranny in world affairs. I remember a warning from a friend of my mothers: she said, “your son better watch out.” Nothing specific, an empty warning was all. I didn’t heed her advice then, but now, I’m starting to think about what she said a little more. I made a post about the importance of humans having the liberty to surf around, to take in the whole milieu. The posts by the Anon’s backed way down, but today, they’re back. Now, I don’t think many of these guys see me as anything significant. I ascribe a lot of their values-at least the values that they discuss in length on videos and in rare instances, individuals who represent their interests stepping forward and having candid discussions with me. So, they were probably sending me a reminder; don’t f**k with us in a bad way. I wouldn’t. They know that too. I think a lot of the more powerful ones behind the masks get worried that their movement is going to get a black eye if someone like me slips; says something antithetical to their aims to the wrong people. All I can do is prove through my words and actions that such a fear is absurd and nonsensical. Make whoever gets scared feel like a moron. As for today, I need to get my bearings, recognize the bigger picture of my life in context to what I’ve said or written & be prepared for the next shift in barometric pressure. If that’s a bit too metaphorical, let’s put it another way; I’m going to act decent, live decent, have fun, take breaks when necessary (this writing session is one of those little reprieves) & keep the various engines that are running my life moving forward. [21] Wrapping up the day. Posted a snippet about this book. Some mild reactions, but as I suspected, most people don’t want or need a clue. They also don’t like thinking in terms beyond their persona and it’s perceptions. You can post the oddest, most terrifying stuff and you’ll be lucky if you elicit half the reaction you’d expect. Only people who seem to pay mind stay hidden. Not impressed. I’m going to pop in one more time, see if anything is happening, then I’m wrapping it up, calling it a day. Get the impression that time is one of the biggest factors in drawing unwanted attention from security organizations. They don’t like people on the internet in general. Wastes their time watching your every move. Groups are where most of the action is. I tend to get a lot of likes and notifications if I post an appropriate item. Attention isn’t what I want though. I want to see if I can find genuine people. There are…but they seem reluctant to let their hair hang & be themselves. Like most of them have had the jolt I’ve had in varying degrees.  Alright, one last look. Dead as a dodo. It is important to note one thing: I believe the algorithms (or worse, the watchers) are meant to allude to some greater sense of danger. Nudge you toward believing that you’re in jeopardy, but only in the vaguest sense. If you tease that vague sense, make it obvious you know what’s being pulled, it’ll either vanish or show up with far less subtlety.

10/16/16: The Percival Touch

                [11] Started out in usual fashion: Trolling and spamming my wall with my particular brand of insanity, i.e. making snide remarks and posting absurd yet poignant video comments, but then, an attractive young lady caught my eye. I sent her a message asking, “can I stalk you?” I then moved on, pleasure as usual. I felt a twinge of regret over this vulgar remark. Women get enough trouble online. I redacted, saying it was a joke, but I told her she was cute. She messaged me back, saying her boyfriend thought so too. We sparred over this for a second. First, I said I declined the challenge of winning her over; she got tempermental, insisting she wasn’t a trophy or object. I retorted with the fact that I’m a challenge-seeker, then went on the offensive. I said she used her boyfriend as an object to repulse any possible advances. Before I could finish, she called a draw, saying we should start over, with introductions. I agreed-but not without putting my remark down on the message screen. Things went great from that point forward. We are in a writing group & mostly talked shop. She mentioned mental illness, several times. Hers, not mine. I tried to ignore it, but her blog, which consisted of musings, touched heavily and repeatedly on the topic. I brought my opinion in, saying my beliefs about mental illness are skewed, out of whack. She seemed intrigued, but I didn’t offer much beyond that. It’s not easy telling someone that they’re in a farcical game. Anyway, I’m waiting to hear back from her. I sent a couple snippets of work, hoping she enjoys them. [22] She never got back to me. Got into a major family-related dilemma. Used FB messages, but only because this family member, my sister, was aggressively using her phone as a weapon. Not going into any major detail about something relatively unrelated to social media, but I bring it up because it has left my day sour. I stare at my newsfeed and I’m disgusted with it all. Can’t comment, can’t laugh, won’t let anyone or anything reach into this abyss. It’s a touchy subject that has left me questioning my familial relationships…yet again. Social media has a way of aggrandizing smaller problems. Blowing them into catastrophes; I’m going to stay off, play some stupid a*s video games, hope things turn out for the better tomorrow. The girl? I’m worried about her too. She fell off the radar completely. I’ll send a quick message; see if she’s got a pulse. Other than that, I better stick to my creature comforts and call it a night. Addendum: Got some positive news. She responded. Talked about spending time with her weapon er, boyfriend. I told her I was in the dumps, said goodbye. A really cool girl who owns a Tarot business threw a comment my way. It concerned the difficulties of living in a place where you don’t feel your work is appreciated-this concerns Tarot, one of my many interests. It was nice to hear from her. Somewhat brightened my mood, gave me hope for tomorrow.

10/17/16: A leap Forward

            [13] After some usual activity, I had an epiphany. Well, I had finally crystallized a concept into a succinct, workable idea: FB uses the Joseph Campbell monomyth as a pillar for their newsfeed algorithms. I can sense the change in the current flow of my work by understanding this. If I can only express it eloquently, in differing ways, for everyone I know braving the Tides as I am, then we can undertake the journey together. Hijack it as well. Show humanity we need more than formulas and algorithms to really grow. We need the human touch back in administration of FB. I want to be a part of it. Maybe they’ll start listening with turned up hearing aids now. I don’t worry too much about my fellow sailors at this point. I need to reach out to the Giants. The players who are already hip to this concept. Some may be individuals, but I think most people are adrift. People…unless they’re clandestine. Surreptitiously working the system within. I need to adjust my sights. Start looking at and through the Game. I’m renewed, refreshed in my journey. I feel a shift in the winds. Maybe I’ll find portage yet. [14] So much for smooth sailing. Between the shallow character of most & my family life creeping me out, everything today is pointing to holding anchor. I’m running around my little boat, trying to mend everything; the elements of heated tempers, poor discussion, lack of intrigue, overwhelming & exhausted support systems are testing my abilities as captain. Ok, enough of the metaphor for a second. Time to get real. People are being dicks, plain and simple. My mom is tired, my sister & her family are pissed off at me, I’m a little testy. I got into a verbal battle in a Satanists discussion group. There were two people in the group who were looking for a fight for fighting sake. I gave them what they wanted. I was kicked out. I’m glad. Nothing decent or respectable came from what was titled a philosophical discussion group. It was primarily the fault of an admin. She was a c**t, period. Slammed my post about FB and the mystic algorithm. I brought back my own dish: she was a poser. She knew it. So, she kicked me. I’m a little heated, but all in all I won the day. Moving forward is the motto. Keep mending the sails. Yes, and back to the metaphor! [16] About ready to join a discussion about taking my Tarot reading to the “next level”. Not sure if there is a next level; only attention and money. Anyhoo, feeling strange. Lightheaded. Spent a fair amount of time humping the keyboard today. Between posts and writing, I’ve got a bit of computer afterburn going here. Something else is happening though. I started getting pretty deep into Lucifer discussion via a group. Now I feel like a lightbulb is turned on in my brain. Makes one feel kind of stupid frankly. Like you’re on top of the world, but in an empty sense. Like nothing outside the body matters. That’s dangerous territory. I’ve been here before, I know. Best thing to do is stay busy. Focus on the projects and goals one wants to achieve. Don’t live too deep in the mind. Might also be all the caffeine, but either way, I know that diligence, sensitivity and focus will pull me through. To put it in the language of the Tidal Storm, I’ve hit a hot, dry wind. Best work on staying calm. Staying the course.

10/18/16: Lights Ablaze

            [12] One of the groups I entered, A Lucifer-themed group, has been an excellent base camp for my occult ideas and opinions. Compared to the Satanist/LHP group, they are worlds apart. The Satanist group was a joke compared to the people I’ve discovered in this group. I already have been supported and encouraged to keep putting down everything I can. Not only that, a new experiment has come to mind. I’ll leave out the details as such, since this isn’t about other work. I want to keep my focus centered on the FB experience here. I’ve found an island. Now, I can’t keep anchor for long, for there is more to explore, but I think I’ve found a remedy to the feeling of being adrift. Newsfeed is too chaotic. It’s not a place for grounding or centering topical, deep discussion or thought. You can easily be deceived into thinking it is, esp. since there are a lot of amazing posts by the Giants (and your friends who copy and paste from said Giants) which makes you think your posts will elicit the same provocation, but they won’t. You’re shouting into a Tidal Storm. So, I think in my synopsis/stratagems, groups and the topical nature of those groups will be a key to surviving, even enjoying the seas. [17] Haven’t spent much time online. Been running around, helping mend the wounds from family affairs. Not particularly in the mood for FB or social media right now anyway. Getting ready for dinner; more errands in a couple hrs.

10/19/16 Slow, Steady

[14] I’ve begun to feel that there is very little for me to glean from my fellow group members. Most of them seem to need my advice and help more than I need theirs. I began by bringing a couple new topics up. I quickly realized most people don’t want to live in solutions; they want a soapbox to complain from. This soapbox-complaining usually leads to more frustration and complaining. Everyone then agrees on how great it is that their support…[23] Whoa: going through a lot of emotional turmoil tonight. One of my favorite guys, Dr. Wayne Dyer, passed away a year ago(ish). I only found this out tonight. For some reason, it made me burst into tears. I’ve barely read his work, only loosely know what he did for the world, but for some reason, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Bawled. Still incredibly moved by it. There was a lot else I was doing (questioning my identity, my reason for living) but then…I found this out. It’s hard to write at the moment. I’m going to bed. I need to process some feels. There’s this mixed up vortex in me and I feel a little nauseous. Bliss, sadness, hope, shame…it’s all colliding. Not sure what it’s doing to my will or my psyche, but I’ve got to stay on track with my other priorities. Got a busy day tomorrow. Lot of running around. Tired. Done for the evening.

10/20/16: Old Wounds Close

            [10] Still reeling from the unexpected outburst of emotion I had last night. It has spurned me to recognize that there are many layers to the self. We may recognize, affiliate with one-the ego is a restless reassurance of singularity-but when in the midst of the Storm, one has to recognize that unexpected emotions are going to well up from the ocean of feelings passively resting within. I’m going to allow myself to endure the contradiction of anger, love, fear, joy. In it I think is the opportunity for real growth & development of this thing I’m trying to identify as the soul. For now, I have my group in ten minutes, so I have to keep focused on the world outside of the web and social media. Keep a mellow temperament. I don’t think many people delve as deep into their storm as I do. They, the outside people, would probably call me crazy for my ideas. Nah. They’d think I was unstable, but certainly not crazy. Alright. Time to go.

10/21/16: Not Ready

            [11] My posts this morning were on the offensive. I started pointing out my views on a range of topics: breastfeeding, witchcraft, Setianism. I got a healthy dose of anger from my readers. In the long run, I’m trying to see the greater victory to be had in resentful people. It shows that I’m getting through on some level. That my views are necessary for their growth. What is it doing to mine however? I think I’m learning to be more resilient to emotional outbursts by dissidents. I’m passionate about my views; most people take that and turn it into outright hostility and disgust. That’s their problem, not mine. I need to let my opinions settle for a little while. I’ve begun to examine my time spent on social media in a more scrupulous light. I’m picking battles that are best left unfought. Most people are going to have to learn the hard way. I had to, numerous times. So, why am I trying to save others who don’t want to be saved? Who don’t know they need to watch carefully the road they’re heading down? I have a damn good life; why muck it up by embracing their s**t? I have another long day ahead of me. No point in getting twisted into others bullshit. I wish I could simply walk away right now. I can. I must. For the integrity of this work and for my personal health and safety, I need to let sleeping dogs lie.

10/22/16: Resilience Amidst Distractions

            [13] Yesterday was a rollercoaster. I was in a myriad of moods: Romantic, venomous, loving, sarcastic, lustful, sardonic. I had the full palette working. I’m drained. I feel like I depleted my engines, now I’m on wind-currents, my own muscles oaring. I think today is going to be a little more limited in depth & scope. Experiencing some water on the barge, i.e. I’m exhausted; I wrote a lot on my profile, posted a ton of memes and videos. Now, I am going to limit my reactions in this log. I need to start gathering up the best of my posts, putting it into an organized, coherent structure, for this book. That should be my project for the day. I’ll glean the best/worst since embarking on the stormy seas. Maybe include my other profiles; at the very least describe why I created other profiles & what purpose they served. For now, I need to rest, eat something. I’m on about 4 hours sleep…s**t, I’m abbreviating. It’s time to get offline for a while.

10/25/16: Harken To Port

            [6] I’ve been limiting my time on FB. Something is telling me that all my thrashing, milling about is both insignificant and counterproductive to the larger scheme of my life. Even writing this book seems like an exercise in meaningless futility. I want this work to reach a particular breed of individual, but something tells me that no matter how much honesty, how much poignancy I deliver the message, they’re not going to pick up this book. Is this even a book anymore? I told myself the “captain’s log” was going to be experimental in nature; it hasn’t been much more than a journal of reflections. I think I’m afraid to experiment in any rigorous way. Why? Because the security/psychological operations taking place on social media. It’s visible, palpable. People are stunningly aware of it. I’ve even seen YouTube videos that allude strongly to it. Nobody is directly talking about it, as expected, but the two breeds of people I traffic in-the ones I sense are genuine versus the fake internet trolls-aren’t showing much interest in anything I say or do, no matter how provocatively delivered. I’ve been fucked with, for sure. I’ve had the storms threaten my tiny bandwidth ship, but it’s been minor compared to the hurricanes I remember before my level of self-awareness increased. Also, something very different seems to trouble the waters: the occult and esoteric stuff I used to be more heavily involved in has altogether vanished from the scene. I don’t see any more prominent fan pages dealing with these topics popping up on my newsfeed. I also don’t see the level of extreme activism politically that I used to. I’ve searched around for both. The former has deleted a lot of their tracks while the latter has quit being an interest to me, so it’s algorithm-driven stirrings are dwindling. I think today I’m going to instigate a little more than usual; for the former, I’m going to blatantly bring up the dilemma. Where have all the esoteric and occult pages gone? Why aren’t they showing up anymore? For the latter, I’m going to leave well enough alone. I know there’s plenty of political garbage and hoopla. I don’t want any part of it. I know it’s intertwined with the occult, but it doesn’t have to be. [10] Yeah, something has changed. I got quite a few likes, but nobody could offer a decent explanation. Looks like whatever work the powers that be were doing a few years back has drastically slowed down. I’m uploading videos on YouTube, hoping they get someone to notice them. We’ll see what that does. My attitude towards YouTube is equally disturbed as FB. However, due to the one-way interaction that it mostly consists of, it may be exactly what I need. I’m sick of feeling like my thrashing about on FB is getting me nowhere. Hopefully someone sees my work on YouTube. Nobody f*****g reads anymore. I don’t. I did in prison, but out here, I rely on sources of entertainment from other sources. FB is for government trolls. Fucked off.

10/27/16: New Waters

            [13] Today isn’t about FB. I’ve been talking to a close friend. In two ways she has directed me to alter the course of my ship: I need to help her with an article/blog about medicinal mushrooms, homeopathy, natural care. In other words, help her advertise for her line of work. She has also discussed with me the tone or messages I’ve been relaying on my wall. I have been adventurous, bold, but she’s concerned. When I hear her, I listen. I’ve been down the FB tempest too often, often with her jumping on board my vessel, trying to advise me. I’m behaving very differently with her. I used to throw her advice in with the rest of the self-help hoopla I get. Now, not so much. She’s been a hard-working, extremely successful woman amidst her own personal Tidal Storm. I would do well to take advice from her when it is given. I also gave her a Tarot card reading. It basically confirmed that her request was a move in the right direction, for both of us. I also got a signal that she needs to beware; someone or something is attempting to sabotage her vessel. Not sure if it’s an outright mutineer or if it’s the nature of the seas we sail, but there was something telling me to warn her. I know she listened to my reading with respect and attentive focus, because she said she loves me. Not in a sexual or even romantic way-she quickly added that one-but simply “pure love”. I think there is hope for a more intimate relationship with her, but certainly not now in my life. I need to focus on industry, resilience, commitment to my own life goals before I adjust my sails. Writing is certainly something I’m struggling with. Today however feels like a new day. I need to get to  work. No more pussyfooting around my projects or commitments. Why has it taken me so long to realize that? [15] Griped about FB’s ludicrous treatment of individuals. Said I noticed how few of my friends’ posts I see…nobody responds

10/29/16: Currents South

            [11] Started working on the mushrooms project a bit more. I get the feeling my friend is a bit scattered in her approach. Airhead is the term that comes to mind. I don’t doubt her intelligence, but I doubt her methods, her approach, her confidence in me perhaps. She seems to have been disappointed by men in the past & uses that as a reason to not get too involved in anything they’re committed to doing or saying. Makes sense. I hope I don’t let her down. Now, to return to the broader issues: I’m quickly learning that social media in general is entertainment for most people. It’s a pastime, yet I’m treating it much more seriously than that. I think it comes down to an issue of work-ethic and character; in most people I see the lazy side of them through social media. We live in a world shaped by ideas: one of those ideas is that human beings are generally class driven. That there are “lazy” people and then “productive” people. I want to blow that concept out of the water. I want people to see that you can be both; that you don’t have to let your social conditioning determine your outlook or behavior. You can be lazy for a while, even for a significant period of time. Then you can decide to turn it around, be motivated, industrious. It reminds me of a character in the movie Erin Brokovich: her on-off again boyfriend was a construction worker. He would work himself to the bone for half the year, then he’d take the other half and ride his motorcycle, or spend time with Erin & her kids. He was probably the most stable and kind character in the movie. Erin was always having to worry about putting bread on the table for the kids. Make sure they had “stability”. Deep down though, she wished she knew how to live like him. I want to model him. He’s an excellent prototype for someone who defies the rigidity of society and the roles they want us to perform. Probably why I’m writing, or want to become a writer. Writing allows that degree of flexibility; at least in my mind it does. I know there’s many types of writers: the “great American novel” type, the workhorse, the behind-the-scenes, the journalist etc. Where do I see my writing taking me? Well, one that doesn’t fit into these academic little peg-holes for one. Why not be multiple types?

10/31/16: Jaded

            [9] Not going to spend a lot of time on FB, or online today. For one, its Halloween. Second, and more importantly, I feel like all this time and energy spent online is a monumental waste of time. Nothing constructive is going on. Most folk seem to be where I’m at. Shitposting, as it is famously coined, seems to permeate everywhere. Every bit of info or entertainment seems stupider, more boring, even more mentally exhausting than the last. As for my project with my friend, she hasn’t even asked about it. I’m not going to do something nice for her if she can’t even pretend to show interest. She’s got enough going on outside the world of lames and rejects-the world of social media[JO1] . She really doesn’t need more attention or publicity. As for the work, “helping hone my craft”, I can do that with my projects; I don’t need another distraction, no matter how relevant or constructive it seems. Honestly, I can’t believe how much effort and time I’ve put into impressing a bunch of people I could really care less about. If they all died the next day, I’d pull my sad face, then I’d move on. Nah; that isn’t true. I’m simply not in a good head space about the whole platform right now. So, I’m going to treat myself: play some games, enjoy my coffee, and see where the morning leads.

11/1/16: Rhythmic Dissonance

            [17] Writing slump: I’ve been juggling a lot of priorities & I need to reevaluate what’s important, how much time I spend on FB, games, classes etc. Now that I think of it, things aren’t going as bad as I’m making it sound. I should start setting up more rigid times for leisure vs. working. This is work, it’s important. Right now is an excellent time in my life. I have resources, tons of free time, my legal problems aren’t pressing me to the point of resentment or frustration. How does this tie into my social media Tidal Storm? Well, things online have been tumultuous. I’ve had to block and unfriend a couple people. I get the distinct impression that many of my fellow sailors are in much more dire straits than I am. A lot of folks are defensive, even outright hostile, toward anything that could require them to get out of their shell. Finding out people’s true colors isn’t difficult; how does it affect me? Mostly disbelief that I could let so many be friends to my online persona. I used to crave attention. I wanted as many friends as I could get. I’ve drastically changed that. I realize now that there are far too many unhappy, resentful people in the world. Worse, they’ll bring me down. I think it was a savior complex I contended with too: if I could get people to feel better, wake up to the awesome possibilities our small lives can offer, then I’d wake up to that notion. It wasn’t other people who woke me up to that however; it was my hard work & determination to find the diamond in the rough. I think I’ve found it. I need to polish it, cherish it in quiet, but open gratitude. For instance, I’m at an amazing restaurant right now; I want to enjoy my meal, the atmosphere of happy people. So, it’s time to relax. I’ve rode many miles on my bike today. I need nourishment. I also want to kick back, maybe check out all these notifications; see if anyone is finally feeling as upbeat as I am.

    11/3/16 Silent Watch

            [7] Taking a step back from my interactions on FB. I’ve been doing some side-reading concerning the character of individuals who spend excessive amounts of time on social media; I fall, or at least fell, into that category. The studies outline two major issues: the aforementioned character of people who use social media in excess & what social media does to people’s moods and behavior. The news is pretty grim: for the former, most studies have proven that the people who spend excessive time posting and commenting using FB or other social media struggle with depression, feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, hopelessness about where their lives are going. The latter studies were equally dismal & foreboding: most people, when viewing their friends’ posts, aren’t inspired or motivated. In fact, the primary emotion felt was envy. I began to think about my self-imposed Tidal Storm: what am I doing on this expedition? Am I trying to save something that billions of people seem unable or unwilling to change? How will my efforts, with my tiny group of friends (I have barely 100 friends & most of them are unknown outside the online world) make any difference in the monstrous, algorithmic beast that is FB? Perhaps I suffer the delusion that some Giant is watching my posts; that one of the monster-makers or, to stay true to the character of my theme, one of the Neptunian emissaries, was carefully altering the course of the Tidal Storm by exactly what I said & who I said it to. I seem to no longer suffer such delusions of grandeur. Perhaps a bit of back-story to why I felt this way is in order. Over the next few days, as my voyage harkens to port, as I stay away from posting and commenting, I will tell my tale. It may not be safe to discuss every aspect or detail or summation, since it involves secret societies, the occult, government security, but it is a tale that I need to tell. Even as I write the prelude a little voice is telling me, “if you write this, your book will never be published.” Well, I have doubts it’ll be published anyway. Print, writing, writers, the literate scene is dying in our fast-paced, information junkie age. People want rapid-fire content, no hundreds of pages about a single subject. So, I figure Im writing this primarily for myself. Worse case scenario, if for some act of the gods this does see fit in the eyes of some shark lit. agent, then I can always omit, or alter the tale so that it’s safe for myself and readers to publish.

            11/4/16 Weapon of Storm-Wars

            [13] I’ve discovered a new, potent sailing technique on FB; tagging. I’ve decided to tag all my friends in original posts. It ensures people read my posts. I’ve agitated quite a few individuals this way. For starters, most people don’t know the basics of their privacy settings. This is a wonderful opportunity to learn. It posts it on their timeline, which can be seen by those easily offended as obtrusive, but I want to make sure they’re reading my stuff. I’m tired of only getting 1 or 2 likes from a dwindling audience of friends. Further, I want to encourage others to do the same. Get to know who your friends on FB are. Show you do care by including them in your posts. I think it’s going to drastically make people look at exactly what and how they’re using social media. Armed with this new defense against a growing, dark tide, I think I can brave the waters. Brave it by knowing there are others in the seas. Others who I know want to have an authentic social media experience. This is an amazing tool for enhancing communication. Now it’s effective too.

11/7/16: Once Again, Jaded

            [14] I’ve altogether given up the Tidal Storm, even becoming a writer altogether. I’m locked into this belief that there are simply too many other people who want it more than I do. Perhaps it’s an eye of the Storm. Perhaps I’m in a good place with my FB experience. Something is very different; the esoteric and occult has altogether retreated from the scene. I feel like the last couple years were a test; there were a lot of talks about secret societies, the occult & its ties to the power structure of the world. Now, I can’t find anything. What few encounters I have had recently are fringe outliers. Nobody or nothing of any real consequence. I need to weigh the gravitas of what I’m saying…consequence. Am I looking for a fight? Looking to join some group? No. Then why do I insist on antagonizing? Insist on rehashing a terrible, difficult, past experience? I think it had to do with an insecurity I once had; I used to feel disconnected, alone. Well, I found connection alright. Now, I want mostly to be left alone. I want to live my life free of the entaglments and entrapments of society. For example, I’m writing thiop a plateau overlooking Boise, my hometown. I feel at peace. I feel serene. I feel…above the bullshit that I once sought online. I’m also out of that hell-hole: prison. So, I’m still adjusting a bit. Adjusting to living a life of pleasure and joy. I’m not free of my legal problems, but it won’t be long until I am. I can sense that. So the big question: do I still want to be a writer? Do I want my rantings to reach an audience? Am I willing to make this a craft? I have a lot of open-ended questions here. Questions that need to be answered through action, not words. Well, maybe words too. You know what I’m saying I hope. This started out intended to be written for an audience, now it seems like it has become my personal log. That’s not good. That shows I’m not putting in the right effort for the spirit of this endeavor. I can keep a personal log; this should be about my social media theses. Alas, I don’t think I want a lot to do with social media anymore. Its become hollow, estranged, commercialized. People on it don’t seem to mind. How can you tell them repeatedly how much better it could be when they’re already satisfied with what it is? I've been trying my damndest to show people that FB shouldn’t be a copy and paste-fest. That our walls should be about our lives, not the artificial world. Nobody but a couple people seem to understand that. I have one friend who does his original art: poetry and drawings mostly. He gets a couple likes, despite having 500 or so friends. He’s nonplussed by the lack of attention or the lack of provocation his work gets. He says that’s their choice. Fair enough. Maybe I can adopt the same attitude. Keep showing my stuff, even if it doesn’t get a lot of attention, it’s out there…

11/11/16: Dry Land

            [8] Most of my FB time has been severely limited the last few days. I’m not entirely sure social media is something I want to stay connected to. What troubles me most is that I used to get a sense that I was connecting to something powerful, something behind-the-scenes, some overseer. Now, I get the impression that whatever that was has lost its interest in me. I’m no longer afraid of it, so it has no more time for my histrionics. Fair enough; I never wanted to be amid a Tidal Storm. I wanted to connect to people who were as passionate and intriguing as I was. I wanted to learn what was going on in my world through the eyes of great explorers of the psyche and of this world. I get the feeling that those people aren’t on FB. They’ve jumped out of the Storm. Too many dangers, risks to their reputation. Too much to lose, far too little to gain. I could be wrong. I doubt I am however. One of my favorite fiction authors, Tom Robbins, doesn’t have a FB page. My favorite voice actor/musician, Brendan Small, also the case. I think they realized simply by glancing at what FB offers, glancing at the temperament of the individuals who use FB, that it was too dicey. Also too stupid. People have been finding authentic ways to connect since the dawn of time: through work, through travel, through messages in bottles for Christ sakes. Although it was the roots of social media, it has sorely lost touch with that. It’s become an arena for the Giants, the weather-makers of the storms most of us foolish, solitary sailors brave. Only they have the power to make the changes necessary for the Storm to abate, the seas to become bountiful. They own FB, not us. Another example of how power finds ways to corrupt through the ancient agencies and societies. I also notice since my dive into FB I often have a little voice in my head that randomly chides, “No” or, “Don’t do/say/write that” I’m genuinely afraid for my well-being. I’m overtly cautious. Part of that mind you is due to my legal Tidal Storm, which is inextricably bound to my thirst for social media. Yet again I think that is exploited by the powers that be. I don’t think I’m alone in that conundrum. Not sure where this confessional segment is leading to. Yeah I do: It’s leading to me abandoning this mission. Maybe steering it in a new direction. I’m tired of the repetitive, banal, saccharine, terrifying Storm that social media has inadvertently-at first it was inadvertent, but later it became a goading, a provocation on my part to the Giants-bought into my life. I’m ready for dry land. I’m ready to return to a life where I don’t think or worry about what others are going to think of how I spend my time. It’s none of their business frankly, esp. since I get none of theirs.  I wil however pop in from time to time, see if these thoughts stir up the waters a bit; see if there is still something left in these hostile, barren seas.

11/14/16: Calling Back

            [9] I woke up this morning, checked my FB-I’ve been avoiding it for several reasons, some others, less crisis and more recreationally focused-and got a feeling: FB, who or whatever, wants me back. Something is telling me they miss me. My wall was surrounded by the people who’ve touched my lives the most, with the best material I’ve seen in a long time. I also found a group of left hand practitioners, particularly Setians. Not as excited as I was a while ago about the whole Temple and joining. I’m flatlining spiritually. Part of that is video games; I notice when I play them to excess my life outside of them seems to become less important, duller even. I think I’m entreating to them because I felt rejected by FB. Now, it’s trying to tell me I’m not rejected. Maybe, maybe not. Am I excited to plunge my heart and soul into something that I feel has essentially bullied me? Something that has made me fear for my well-being, more than once? Something that has put me in touch with some of the most awesome, mysterious teachings, most inexplicably amazing but simultaneously stupefying feelings in my whole, small, pathetic life? Not yet: I’m hurt frankly. I’m hurt that I’ve made myself into such a tool, for the pleasure and satisfaction of some force on social media that I’m sure exists but refuses to make itself known. I need a direct, open sign that I’m not only welcome, but that I’m special d****t. I know that’s unfair to ask; but I feel like I’ve sacrificed much for this agency or force, and to get some goddamn recognition from them wouldn’t be asking too much in my opinion. Here goes: I’m going to jump on, look for some sign of appeal, then either immerse myself, or entreat to my tiny video game world. Looks like some provocative business as usual. I’m going to have to escape the normal route to find the company I seek. I’ve got to keep writing is what I’m being told. Can’t tell you how disgusted I get with journaling like this. The sheer volume of feelings & interpretations makes me think how selfish I am. Well, this work, at least this part of it, is selfish. I’m working out and through the morale aspect of the Tidal Storm. Keeping the crew-my own feelings, my reactions, my influence on others-in close check. How will I ever be brave enough to try the experiential aspect of this work if I don’t muster up the courage to process my own actions/reactions?

11/17/16: Adrift

            [8] Last few days I seem to have lost total interest in social media. I think it’s the computer game I’m playing. I seem to be in a bit of a slump with everything because of it. Video games could be a book topic on its own. I used to be an avid gamer, to a fault. To many faults. Video games seem to disconnect my interest from the real world. I get wrapped up in the petty aspects of the game as my other interests dwindle. Social media is one of the first things to go it seems. Perhaps it has something to do with how I connect to people: why waste time trying to impress or learn anything new when I have an entire fantasy world I can live in? A world separate from the fickle nature of people? I also seem to notice people around me get increasingly irritable when I get lost in the video game world. I’m wise enough to understand that when one person finds comfort and happiness, others want to share in that. Video games wall off the ability to share that happiness; that is, unless you want to learn how to play the game too. Women hate video games for this reason. They have zero interest in the hobby, but are desperate to get the same level of care and attention that the man is investing in their game. What does any of this have to do with my Tidal Storm? I think I’m in a whirlpool of sorts, content to spin my little circles, regardless of what others want to see from me. Also, regardless of any loftier or more important goals I may have. I think this project needs to be abandoned while I work this video game addiction out. It’s a game with endless playability, but I will get bored of it, soon enough. I also have a couple family-related projects in the near future; hopefully that’ll get me out of this crosswind/whirlpool I seem stuck in. I know there is so many more valuable things I could be doing with my time, but considering how long I’ve been away from the simplest pleasures, I don’t feel too guilty about a bit of indulgence. I have to closely watch that it doesn’t become a problem though; I can easily slip. I need to start budgeting my time, to prevent over-indulgence and the real possibility of ignoring or neglecting important matters.

12/16/16 Abandon ship!(?)

            [15] A lot of changes since my last entry. My computer crashed; think the battery fried. I hadn’t saved this work on the cloud, so I left it alone, praying my hard drive would be intact. Thankfully, it was salvaged. Got me thinking though: is this project a worthy cause? More importantly, am I the man who should be writing it? I have always fancied myself a fiction writer, leaving research papers to the English Majors and the college freshmen. Not that I didn’t do bad at it; in fact, my English Prof. said “I think you got this better than I do”. Slam dunk that semester. I wanted to say back, “can I have your job then?” but I held my tongue, and took the compliment in stride. So as far as the latter question goes, I can write nonfiction, even research-based papers. I know it’s going to require a lot more work and commitment to gathering info via interviews, facts about social media in relation to my Tidal Storm, articles, scholarly & peer-reviewed sources etc. I guess the former question is the one eating at me then. What am I trying to say? Am I doing this for money, fame, popularity? Or am I doing it because I genuinely believe that this work could help, possibly save people from the tempestuous currents that permeate social media? If I stay focused, keep my mission of smooth, adventurous seas in the forefront of my mind, don’t get swept away in simple pleasures like video games, then this book may make it to tablet or shelf soon. As far as my sailing since my last entry, I’d say things are very different this go around. I speak my mind, keep issues in groups topical, relevant, and I discuss matters with sound reason, dignity, comedy, and light-heartedness. My boat was crashed on the shores too many times sailing the ways of the past, so I’ve retrofit my little tugger and now I am armed with new nautical prowess. [22] Social media has taken a major sidetrack for now. I’m noticing that the gamer circles are where most of my ilk seem to spend their time these days. We’re being drawn into an electronic matrix; my generation particularly seems to stand on the precipice. I was born with a Nintendo controller in my hand. Is it a major distraction? The fall of the empire? It certainly seems that way. This is what took the Romans down. They became so enamored with fantasy that they didn’t care when the ground was swept beneath their feet. I get the feeling that this is why middle America is disappearing. I’m every bit as guilty too now. I want to devote so much of my time playing in creations of others, paying them money that they’ve been taught to collect…I’m trying to elevate myself by seeing the whole picture and where I stand in it. I realize how small I really am. How…played out I am. I’m going to have to look at my gaming with a leery eye. James, a guy I was in prison with, was sucked in by the entertainment industry. He knew it too. He had a venom tattoo inked, covering his entire torso, while in the slammer. Huge f*****g loser, but in a sad, desperate for belonging kind of way. Now, by handing these goons my time and my money, I realize how similar we really are. I may not have done anything as stupid as that, but I did just cough up appx 5% of my gross income on a video game. How much time I will let it consume is what really matters now. I’m writing all this in my “social media” Tidal Storm because it seems like FB is another video game. A game in which people construct digital personas, collect pictures, videos, memories, “friends”…well, what’s so sinister here? How is this related to a video game? Because, none of it is real. Real in the sense that our flesh and blood is no longer in the picture. A 2-d image, wrapped around bits of data, is not the real thing. It is also slowly infiltrating our overpopulated planet. It all reminds me of a culling, a ritualistic sacrifice. Like we’re pawns in the creator’s games, who are only pawns in another creators game, who in turn, are the pawns in our game, digitally reconstructed by our minds and our machines. Then, if this disgusts me so much, why do I buy it? Why do I “like” it? Because I see that we can’t simply unplug from this thing. It’s here to stay. We must learn how to blend the play, the fantasy world, with the real world. Is it ever possible? Pokemon Go seems to be trying to aim that way. However, it doesn’t allow for people to really interact with the world, to grow, to change, to leave your mark.. No…you only walk into a place, get your stupid pokemon, and move on. We need to be able to make our own pokemon…holy s**t! This may be something. Maybe we can get a grassroots digital reality platform! I’m thinking we get devices that allow us to interact with the world…for instance, a device that can scan for real objects, tell us information about it, also digital creations, whether they be a poem someone left there, directions to someone’s party, you name it! Joe…this is big. 

12/17/16: Sidebar

            [11] As far as second drafts/revisions go, most of this isn’t going to make the topical or relevant cut. So…why am I writing it here? For fear that I have lost interest in social media; I’ve hit dry land. Also, I’m pretty doped up on narcotic painkillers for the next few days, so bear with me. I bought an overpriced video game last night. Here’s the kicker: my pc doesn’t cut the graphics card cut, so it looks like I’m playing on Playstation 2…or worse. Also, the game design isn’t set up well for computers so to get the most out of my crappy game, I’d need a crappy game controller to hook up. The bigger picture? How does this pertain to social media in any way? Well…it doesn’t not one bit. I did post my holy-s**t million dollar idea on FB last night. The one about digital reality meeting the objective world. Haven’t even checked for responses. Whoa…mom’s FB notification clicked the moment I finished typing that. We all are wifi connected to the Giants these days. It’s not anything to be afraid of. If you feel like it’s an intrusion, an infiltration to some sacred temple you’ve made up, then unplug, simple as that. Including my cat. I wonder if this connection has always been there; computers only opened my eyes to it. I think that’s true. Anyhow, I’m not in a particularly lucid or inspired mood (thank you stupid mind rotting video games) so I think I’m going to try and save face for my bonehead move. Try playing the game a little bit…feel like such a tool right now.

12/31/16: Resolute Resolutions

            The New Year is approaching, and in the spirit of a new beginning, I am getting firmer on my commitments; first and foremost to my writing. I’m going to get back on track. I’ve had enough time to lull myself with video games and TV. For this work, I’m going to start compiling my previous posts, review and reflect, and put it in a context that pertains to the Tidal Storm. I know its been too long: my Tidal Storm has entered dull, shallow waters. I’m disappointed frankly. I’ve been booted without explanation from many of the groups I was previously excited to be in. I think the total lack of explanation is what is most insulting. How can I fix if I don’t know what offended? I was in well over 20 groups; 10 of which were ripe and ferment. Now, I think I’m in about 10 & none of them are terribly appealing. Banal even. Let me hop on and take a gander at the wreckage and see if any are worth salvaging. Hmm…I’m actually in 32 groups still, including my own and seldom used/posting group: Onionitis. Many of them are quite active. I don’t get a lot of their activity on my wall however. I need to adjust my settings so I get more notifications of their activity. Several of the groups are writing, a few remaining esoteric, a couple inspirational…I deleted the “adult” ones I joined in my click-happy fervor. Yes, it was a shameful act. I personally think social media can do without pornography. There’s plenty of that trash online. Now, the female form, in a truly artistic motif, can be a wonderful delight, but alas, these groups aren’t really promoting that. I know a few do, and I give them a chance if I happen to notice. For the most part, fan-sites or pages seem to be where that gem lies. Now, back to the matter at hand: Am I going to brave the deeper waters in hopes of adventure? How will I man the vessel? I think a series of experiments in my posting, comments, and reviews are what need to be shaken up, in order for this Storm to reach Paradise. Time to start planning for the voyage. First, I will begin by getting more involved in the groups I remain a part of; they’ve kept me this long, I owe it to them and myself to be more active. Then, I’m going to try rejoining several that have kicked me. I will explain if questions arise or defend myself if necessary. That I think is going to be the first anchor I reel in. So what if I was kicked once? Try again, and see what happens.

2/25/17: My Ship Returns

[9] I’ve been landlocked. By that I mean, I’ve been completely off-track of almost every writing project. I caught the video game bug pretty hard for a while there. It’s working its way out of my system, but some major damage was done. My ship crashed on the rocks of insecurity, lack of vision, and outright laziness. I’ve been on the complacent little island called VideoGamma for too damn long. I even started playing World of Warcraft(!), a game I swore I’d never get into for it’s supposed addictive playability. Fortunately, I didn’t find the game to be all that enthralling; in fact it was worse than many of the MUDs I used to play, back when I was a teen. Anyway, on this Saturday Morning, my resolve is steeling again. Now, I haven’t been completely neglectful of social media. In fact, I’ve made several startling discoveries. I’ve been protected the last couple months. I believe a friend, whom I met in a Luciferian group, put in a good word for me. Ever since I’ve met him, the bullshit drama has almost completely subsided. I feel like I’m no longer under “the eye” of the Giants. If I am, I’ve been granted a degree of leniency that I’ve never had in my past expeditions. How do I show my thanks? By being a coward. A lazy coward at that. I’ve only recently come to realize how grateful I should be. There’s also a Setian-run FB I’ve been active in. I even have had brief encounters with Don Webb, a former leader of the ToS. He’s incredibly busy, intelligent…but I think he sees something in me. I think he see all my weaknesses, but maybe he see something else too. It shouldn’t matter: what do I see in myself? Again, there’s a lot of negativity I need to shrug off if I’m sailing with my freak flag hung high. It starts today. I had my 5 year Facebook anniversary a couple day back. I think that is a hallmark that needs recognition in this work. Todays agenda? Find ways to show appreciation for my newfound warder by getting back to work on this. So, how am I going to achieve that? By pulling together an outline for this book, by gathering my personal and scholarly research, by striking into the favorable winds that now lap against the new, reinforced hull of my Tidal Storm ship. [13] A small newfound sense of hope fills the sails. I suddenly realized I need to work on visualization with regards to my fiction work (maybe may nonfiction too…). I’ll either create or look for some good topics for short storytelling.

 

3/12/17: Amidst the Maelstrom

[10] Well, I’ve done it again. No major harm, but I have somehow simultaneously alienated and intrigued the highest caliber of people I’ve ever met online. I went on this huge tirade both on my wall and in a group, about all my whiny little insecurities, both as a writer, and as a follower of the LHP. It was over the line, and I had to delete it. I got little hints and cues from FB, but it ultimately came down to my decision. I did save the documents, since as a prose project, there is some merit to them, and who knows, maybe down the line I’ll get a kick out of reading them, remembering what a fool I was. So much feels like it’s changed in the past couple months. I’ve got a whole new adventure starting here, both in the digital world, and in my life beyond. I’ve got some personal issues which may put a constraint on my time to surf and writing looming over the mists of the next week or two, and I guess a lot of my conniption fit revolved around my insecurity and disdain for what I see approaching. Honestly, I know somehow, things will find a way of working around and out. I’ve got a good feeling about the future. Something in my head keeps telling me this writing thing is going to pay off, if I do it with some virtue, some real passion above virtue even. It is creeping into my bones deeper, each passing click of the keyboard of stroke of the less-often-used pen. I am starting to believe that I’ve got something here. My next step is staying topical; I’ve got a horrid propensity to shift gears, and lose sight of major projects, when I’m in my fury, or rapture. I want to write past all those jackets and veneers, I want to write the blood song coursing through my veins. It keeps telling me if I love it, really love it, then by all means, carry on. You’ll know when it’s time to put the gears to the grindstone once again. What does that mean? See, I keep using this coded talk, and it feels correct. More correct than talking normal. Gears to the grindstone: introducing structure and format to my harkening glee. If this work ultimately reaches an audience, I want there to be relatable wisdom, advice, and experience using FB, and maybe other social media devices. So in that regard, I offer this pearl: If you really want to change, if you want to laugh, love and learn, try going beyond the newsfeed. Use it as a ground, but not as your sole source of information and entertainment. Facebook, I’m starting to see, is kind of like a launch-site. It gets your ideas stimulated, gets your sense of adventure sparked, but if you sit in it, without going beyond, it loses its luster, and you end up a whiny hypocrite. If, however, you show the medium and yourself some respect, you can go a long way, even if it’s in circles.  There is a hidden formula, a secret doctrine under the aegis of FB. I believe Joseph Campbell’s monomyth is a fundamental aspect of the doctrine. What is the secret doctrine, pray tell? It’s to live as if you wanted to be a better person. If you can do that, FB can help. If you already know it all, and need to impress others, then it’s going to nurture that, then swipe it out right underneath your feet, and make you feel so small you may wish you were dead. It’s a part of the doctrine. No matter what, it’s an instrument of creative change; everything else is merely proxemics. Where does this leave me, in my Tidal Storm? It leaves me out in the middle of the ocean, sextant in hand, dressing the sails for the next gust.

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 [JO1]Is this how I really feel about social media? Or is it more complex? Expound if yes