A Loose Dance Through History

The insane writings of a bored mind. Uploaded because otherwise I've been threatened with death by jaguars. xD Enjoy!

In the beginning, there were dinosaurs.

They were big and scary, and killed a lot of things. So Mother Nature decided it was time for a downgrade.

The dinosaurs slowly evolved into lizards. These lizards were small, and ugly and lived on the sea bed.

Then a meteor came and wiped everything out, including unicorns and all but one spaghetti monster.

The ugly lizards were the only animals left, since they lived way down on the sea bed (and anyway, they thrived on other creatures' suffering).

Eventually these lizards evolved into humans, fish, snakes, and politicians. These in turn evolved into other creatures. And so, the world as we know it came to be.

***

In 753 BC, a particularly vicious politician named Remus murdered his brother Romulus. But Romulus came back as a zombie and, in what we now know as the First Zombie Apocalypse, devoured Remus' brain and used his hollowed out skull as a beer mug. Then, with his hundreds of zombie followers, Romulus took to the local population and killed or infected them all.

Romulus then declared himself the Zombie Emperor, and established the city of Rome (which is Zombay for "I won"). He and his followers were the first of the race that would later come to be known as Romans and who, as most people don't know, were all at least part zombie. This also explains the Romans' unusual shortness (they were constantly decomposing).

Those who wish to learn more about this period in history are advised to research Romulus, his daughter Zombula, or the Zombay language itself. Plenty of resources will be found at your local library.

***

Zombula went on to build Egypt, out of sand and chewing gum wrappers. She had a son called Osiris, who was worshiped as a god, but in reality was just your average Joe Blogs, who worked part time at the local library. He had a girlfriend called Anuba, until she was revealed to actually be a he.

***

Meanwhile, in a part of the world unaffected by FZA (First Zombie Apocalypse), drought had driven the humans almost to extinction.

Their only hope was the Blue Ruby of Suketmao. So a ragged band of people comprised of a feisty but beautiful girl, an impulsive boy who was to learn a grave lesson, and a strong and wise old man embarked on a quest to find it.  The strong wise man died tragically, and the other two realised their deep love for each other. As they kissed together in the beautiful moonlight, the Blue Ruby, activated by the power of their love, glowed a bright azure and drew rain from the sky.

But during the drought, the politicians had thrived. Now they numbered over 100,000.

One notable politician, King Henry the Eighth, killed many of his wives (including Henrietta the Ninth) because the only son they had produced between them was Edward the Sparkly. Edward the Sparkly went on to lead campaigns that conquered such places as Ireland, Scotland, and Bikini Bottom, but his father didn't care- Edward had never gotten around to tidying his room.

Then a long period of time followed in which nothing happened. We believe that the whole world, or at least Europe, was in cryogenic stasis.

***
This period of Nothing was broken by the murder of Edward the Sparkly, by Nosferatu. Nosferatu felt that Edward was an embarrassment to the family. So the prince was killed in his sleep and Nosferatu, his uncle, took the throne upon King Henry's death. His reign lasted for twenty six years.

***

The politicians, as we know, are a violent and dangerous race. But it can not be denied that England, under the rule of Nosferatu, prospered. For the twenty six years of his reign, there were no uprisings and little discontent. We suspect nowadays that he was taking money from his neighbours in Ireland, Scotland and Wales, in order to keep his own country rich. We have no proof, however, so this can be found in very few history books.

In his twenty seventh year of rule, Nosferatu died peacefully in his sleep. His son, Ron the Short, succeeded him as ruler of the British empire. His reign lasted for a mere two years, and during that time many negative things happened.

In 1680 AD (a month into Ron's rule), there was an outbreak of bubonic plague. This caused the affected to develop an extreme dislike of 'bubs' (i.e; babies), and take to any that they saw.  As if this wasn't horrible enough, infected individuals would  usually drop dead a week after contracting the disease.

Then, a year into Ron's rule, the deceased (babies; infected, and bystanders alike) began to come back as zombies. In what we refer to as the Second Zombie Apocalypse, they rapidly grew in number until, just over one and a half years into Ron's rule, they converged on Ron's castle and took it by force.

This must have seemed a very negative thing at the time, with the citizens being killed and/or dismembered by zombies, but looking at it now we can see the positive aspects of the situation. The SZA (Second Zombie Apocalypse) rid Europe of most of its politicians. There were just enough left to run the countries, which meant there was next to no competition from rivals within a single country. Therefore, there were fewer civil wars, and no need for politicians to lie. So the Second Zombie Apocalypse left in its wake a legacy of belief, for the first time, in what politicians were saying. This belief can still be seen today.

Author's Note

I never finished this, so the ending is kinda abrupt...

Also, just so you know, I actually have nothing against politicians. If there were none, there would be anarchy, and that's one of the last things I would want. This story was just a very silly thing which I wrote while bored, and most likely sleep deprived. xD

Reviews

[r]

LOLOLOLOLOL. That was so hilarious, witty, clever, amazing, and so many more positive words. My only negative is that there isnt more! 'Cause I want to read more. I didn't see any typos or any grammar problems, so my review isn't going to be very helpful [boo], but this was an amazing friggin' story. I loved it, and I don't know what else to say. This was an amazing idea, with all the details and the hilarity and EVERYTHING about it. Truly amazing, although I WOULD rather read about Fud. xD