The Tale of Vorax

A humorous account of a dwarf's epic quest in search of fine cuisine.

 

The Tale of Vorax

Pale woods and dreary slabs of stone,

Are split with creeks that spit and foam,

And cursed with winds that strip the bone,

In the gloomy lands of Vorax.

 

Not beast, nor man to see for miles,

Not elf, nor other elven line,

Does populate the dismal pines,

Of the ancient lands of Vorax.

 

The only race that stands the cold,

And lives in caverns lined with mould,

Is Dwarves; strong and brave and bold,

They named the lands of Vorax.

 

They named the lands not randomly,

But after Dwarven Heraldry,

A mighty Dwarf, undoubtedly,

His name was also Vorax.

 

But Vorax was not always seen,

Quite like he ended up to be,

The Dwarves would (quite unreasonably),

Make fun of the young Vorax.

 

“But why, o why”, I hear you plea,

“Inflict this harsh brutality?”

The problem came from dietary,

Decisions made by Vorax.

 

“Not a vegetarian?”

I hear you cry (“Dwarves can’t be them!”),

So settle down good gentlemen,

I’ll tell the tale of Vorax.

 

Θ

 

The mighty ashen halls of Grokb’dair,

Is where the noble Vorax did abide.

A Titan’s home, yet carved with Dwarven care,

Most architectural rules it does defy:

The Gate stands near one hundred feet, and ten,

With oaken doors that weigh like walls of lead,

The passageways stand thrice the height of men,

Yet Dwarfs could never touch that same man’s head.

But Grokb’dair’s most grand and famous place,

 Is surely its rever’ed Ancient Hall,

Where Dwarven kin and racial guests can taste,

The finest Dwarven alcohol of all.

But drinking tends to move at such a pace,

That oft’ a pleasant drink turns to a brawl.

(The Lord, King Hrom B’dair, should stop this Chaos,

 But he’s to busy drinking – it’s his day off.)

 

Now Grokb’dair commands a lively land,

Where animals are large and move quite slow.

So Hrom B’dair sends out his Hunting Band,

Who bring back mighty animals to roast.

But little in this lively land that grows,

Did whet the herbivorous appetite,

Of Vorax, who was really quite alone,

In his unusual dietary delight.

So Vorax, after lots of squabbling,

Decided it was time for him to leave,

And taking up his map of Hintergrϊm,

He left just past midnight, to not be seen,

And not a dwarf in Grokb’dair did know’t,

But soon to him their lives would be owed.

 

Θ

 

Hintergrϊm,

A land of wilderness, both light and dim,

Of Trees of mighty height and woods of mighty din,

Of animals the sight of which no man has ever seen,

Great canyons, and yet greater plains, some bright, some bare,

No titan’s hold could truly rule this land, Not Grokb’dair,

For Hintergrϊm is savage; it will bite and tear,

At every kingdom’s arrogant attempts to tame it’s land.

It’s vast and empty deserts of pale eroding sand,

Have never once been crossed by Dwarf or Man

Hintergrϊm,

Of all the places Dwarves have prospered in,

It surely is the worst for vegetarians.

But Vorax knew no other land for him to search,

So out he strode, with but two things upon his mind;

The taste of some delicious fruit that he must find,

And leaving his few Dwarven friends behind.

Into Hintergrϊm this Dwarf did stride.

 

Θ

His dietary quest did start,

Over broken hills and grass,

The Vespid Prairie’s were their name,

For vicious lions they were famed.

 But Vorax was no foolish Dwarf,

He brought his trusty shotgun forth,

And brought down seven mighty elk,

Three lions and an elephant.

 

 The Vespid Prairie’s proved too sparse,

So on he went through Darkmoon Pass,

A gloomy maze of clawing trees,

And swamps that slurp above the knees.

Now Darkmoon might be Mushroom strewn

But Vorax didn’t like this food,

So he strode on through swamp and vine,

Till he caught sight of Misty Pine.

 

This icy forest soon did show,

That little food is grown in snow,

As naught but bitter berries thrive,

In Misty Pine’s most wretched hive.

Our Vorax was now loosing hope,

For he did find it hard to cope,

On feeble morsels he did find,

For such exhausting lengths of time.

 

Now Vorax had been gone a month,

With little food to eat for lunch,

He stumbled out of Misty Pine,

And wondrous sight did meet his eye;

Three mountains stood like zealous guards,

Surveying over mountain pass,

Yet little snow did cap their peaks,

For trees grew on the cliff-side steep.

 

These trees were home to Dwarven holds,

Filled with rangers, wild and bold,

Who welcomed Vorax to their home,

Despite his hunger for things grown.

But little growing there appealed

To Vorax’ taste for fruity meals,

So after many hearty beers,

Our hero left down mountain sheer.

 

 

Little did our brave dwarf know,

That news of his grand quest had flown,

From mountain trees and pungent air,

To ashen halls of Grokb’dair.

And many carnivorous Beard,

Had bet on Vorax being sheared,

While closer friends of Herbivore,

Did bet that he’d survive his war.

 

A seasons searching was now done,

And stalwart Vorax had become,

A world-renowned celebrity,

 Adventuring so braverly.

But what the betters didn’t know,

Was how brave Vorax was quite slow,

For though a seasons searching’s long,

Our Vorax was not nearly done.

 

For eight whole seasons were to pass,

While Vorax travelled wood and grass,

He crossed ravines and swum though lakes,

He battled tigers, wolves and snakes.

But he was running out of land,

To find his dietary demand,

And every plant that he did taste,

Was soon found out a food disgrace.

 

He climbed the mountains, Grim and Grum,

He crossed the desert, Broken Sun,

He fought a mighty rabid bear,

And quickly fled a dragon’s lair.

But there was still one place to look,

A place of dreary slab and brook,

A place that soon would bear the name,

Of Vorax in his wandering fame.

 

The place was named Dolorous Isle,

A place as barren as it’s wild,

Where little lives and little grows;

A strange locale for dwarf to go.

But Vorax had been gone so long,

This trek, he thought, could not go wrong,

So off he set on small canoe,

To search the isle for fabled fruit.

 

Θ

 

Landing on the lonely shores,

And leaving small canoe a’moored,

 Into forest strode our dwarf,

Beset by cursed gale.

 

Through gloomy forest Dwarf did search,

Under rocks and on the earth,

But not the slightest pallid growth,

Did live on dreary isle.

 

A days hard marching was soon done,

And weary Vorax now did come,

Across a clearing daubed with sun,

And cut with chilling winds.

 

And there, above the undergrowth,

Standing proud like dwarven oath,

A mighty mound of stony growth,

A pale and monstrous mountain.

 

Our Vorax saw this grotesque rock,

And thought of all the hissing brooks,

And thought if there’s a place to look,

For food then here it was.

 

So through the dismal wood he went,

While pondering his long ascent,

When he did smell a pungent scent,

Drifting up ahead.

 

As Vorax strode on deepening,

He noticed creepers thickening,

And all the trees were covered in,

Great vines and sprawling moss.

 

But Vorax kept on cutting through,

Following these vines that grew,

From deeper still into the wood,

From ground and rock and tree,

 

And there ahead as if enslaved,

A choked and strangled mountain cave,

With creeping vines and plants engraved,

Upon its broken walls.

 

 

Before our Vorax could react,

A rumbling growl came from the black,

And with a deafening oaken crack,

A shape lurched from the gloom.

 

Θ

 

Earthkrakken,

He would soon be called,

With oaken limbs towering tall,

Who knows how long this wooden wall,

Had drained the life of tree and plant,

But Vorax knew he shan’t,

Be doing so much longer.

Aiming high,

He fired his shotgun twice,

Straight into the eyes,

Of monstrous Earthkrakken,

Who cracked an oaken grin,

As Vorax hacked upon his oaken shin.

Did nothing hurt this oaken thing?

And sure enough,

Like fruit on trees,

The monsters eyes grew back with ease.

But oaken grin was soon to go,

For where this dwarf had gone the monster did not know,

Until like monkey in the trees,

Our Vorax scaled the mighty beast,

And plucked with ease,

The beast’s two eyes –oranges to you and me.

And biting through the orange skin,

Our Vorax cracked a dwarven grin,

And tasting orange fruit within,

Searched the beast for more.

And sure enough,

Covering the creatures rough and broken hide,

In oaken cracks they did reside,

Pears and plums of supreme size,

 Our dwarf was blithe to find.

The beast roared out in searing pain,

As all his fruit that he had gained,

Was eaten by this dwarf,

His name?

The mighty, vicious Vorax!

 

Θ

 

The beast was felled by mighty dwarf,

Who feasted on its fruity corpse,

The creature’s death was soon the source,

Of trees and shrubs of fruit.

 

While back across the icy sea,

The dwarves sent out a search party,

To see if Vorax did succeed,

In herbivourous quest.

 

And when they found him happily,

Feasting on this giant beast,

They joined in with his fruity feast,

And soon were quite amazed.

 

For due to dwarven dietary

Decisions they were struggling,

With a lack of vitamins,

As scurvy was a curse.

 

But in this jungle paradise,

Vorax gave them sound advice,

All you need’s an orange slice,

To cure this dwarven bane.

 

And with this sound information,

Dwarf migration was to come,

And soon our vegetarian,

Was king of many dwarfs.

 

So if you find your gums in pain,

Just take a boat from dwarf domain,

To fertile isle where Vorax reigns,

And feast on fruity grub!

 

Reviews

[J Harding]

What can I say that hasn't been said before Lavin?

It's amazing and you know it is, full of comedy factor iambic pentameters.

It's so good it can even be seen from space...

Also, I love the rhyming of chaos and off, just brilliant.

However... It's not quite Thord Rampartbeard is it? Let's be honest :P

[Red Brick Keshner]

Brava!
A Tale in verse. Haven't read any of these in a while.
A fine offering indeed.

[Scene, not herd]

This is a fantastic piece! I can only imagine how much focus and passion went into writing this extraordinary piece. It's length and content are really impressive, and I must say that I've been duly entertained by Vorax's exploits.

Great story within a poem! I loved it. Please do write more!

[J]

One word:Genius!:]]]