An Antidote [Journal Entry]

To your own idealism.

It must be said that, once again, you stand on the precipice of having to readjust your life in a significant way. While there is certainly some scope for self-chastisement, unbridled self hatred is an indulgence that won't really remedy anything. 

So what do we learn from this episode and what do we do moving forward? I think we can place this failure squarely at the feet of your idealism. And this is perhaps the most important lesson you must learn, for now. A love of people, places, things, a certain sentimentality and hopefulness are not bad qualities. But the time for honesty is clear. Your own idealism transcends these things, and as such leaves you susceptible to misjudgement again and again. 

Much as you have discovered this with romance, you now find that your idealism relating to jobs is the thing that paradoxically makes each job you get untenable. You view work as a vehicle for self elevation - something that has to be meaningful so that it can give meaning to you.  This is why you seek out certain types of work that you already know are at least somewhat unsuitable for you. Because you have to be the person helping everyone. 

I think, in your mind at least, it is clear that you must learn to be pragmatic with work in the future, so it is not worth exploring this too fully, only to say that you need to be comfortable with the idea that sometimes work is about money, self-enrichment and keeping busy. You simply have to find what job matches your skillset the best so you can carry out this pursuit in the optimal way. 

What we must train our attention to, though, is that there really is an underlying flaw which perpetuates the same mistakes. You do not have to be the person that helps people in your career. You do not have to find a way of somehow increasing your prestige by latching on to your work. What makes you desirable is that you're an attentive, interesting person that - at your very best, of course, - is deeply fascinated by the beauty and wonder that is written into the fabric of the universe. It's your curiosity, kindness, openness and wisdom that you can cultivate. Yourself. In each moment. Whether you're in or out of work. 

Sometimes you will be doing a job that is dull, tedious and has relatively little objective worth. But it is up to you whether you see that as the totality of all you are. You need to stop making excuses for yourself that allow you to delay the process of living. "When I move into the right place, get the right job, then I can ask a girl out." Stop waiting. Start living. Refuse to be broken by what you do for pay, and keep a positive outlook above all else. We live briefly, then we jump into the infinite unknown. Don't squander all this because of where you are in an arbitrary pecking order.