A Hopeful Entry

Over the next few days we face the fundamental challenge. The challenge that never ends, only recedes into our subconscious until the questions emerge again. I am talking here about the mission of choosing what we defer to. What we worship. Invest in. 

The end of one opportunity presents us with the necessity of embracing another. But, before we go ahead with that, some things to take into consideration (and those things will form the basis of this entry). 

Commitment and fidelity. You have to be truthful and recognise that your journey thus far to find the thing you can be faithful to has not proven fruitful. This is fact, and ignorance does not help, it hinders. You can't always blame yourself for becoming dejected and dissatisfied with what work has been put in front of you. Yes, you are partly to blame, but you have to retain a certain hope that when the right work is put in front of you, you will rise to it. You will be moulded into the man you want to be. And will find yourself - if not giddy - then at least eager to commence with the work whenever it is on the horizon. You must promise yourself that you will be diligent, unrelenting and methodical when you (very soon) start to look for that next step, that next endeavour. You won't just settle for another job and fall into mediocre survival, itself a corrosive influence upon the soul. 

Second, beauty and wonder. Retain an appreciation of these things. As cliché as it might seem, you must be present in every moment, and draw out the sacred splendour from every gift of a second, minute, hour. Exceptional, imperfect people exist all around you, and together we can take our flaws and imperfections, and opt to - not naively, but bravely - seek to make meaning with one another. Choose to see the light. Choose to laugh. Choose to live, and not to shrink away from the good because of the bad. 

Schedule and routine. Not much to say with regards to this, except that you should not distance yourself from the things that give you a sense of progress... you should commit and grow. Language learning, writing, chess (even piano?) - these things don't have to govern your life, you just have to recognise that they are your companions as you travel on in this world, helping you to cultivate a sense of achievement and self-worth. Mastery and competence are the core of self belief. Invest time into things that will prove to be enduring skills, and you will have one more reason to strangle away that fragility that inhibits and diminishes you. 

Relationships. Dive in. Do not be afraid of people or worry about whether you're fulfilling their expectations, not beyond a reasonable level. You don't have to be an entertainer. A clown or a joker. You don't have to be a treasure trove of interesting facts or anecdotes. People will not love you because of these things. Love and respect are evasive things. We get an unalterable sense of someone's demeanour, essence and then, after love is already born, we start to love people as a collection of their habits, facets and features. This isn't a nihilistic treaty which seeks to disestablish the relationship between how someone behaves and how they appear (you could certainly put off someone that had the capacity to love you by virtue of appearing nasty/malicious/petty); it is simply a kind reminder that chemistry - an ill-defined word that matches an ill-defined concept - is, fundamentally, not manufacturable. 

And this is why relationships have innate value. Because good ones are improbable, rare. Two people with distinct and matching essences coming together in mutual awe and adoration. That is miraculous. 

Which leads on to the final reminder - do not judge yourself for what you lack. As I type, I feel the need to rebel against the instinct to smatter this passage with exclamation marks, that's how important it is. Yes, you're single, perhaps a little lonely, but you recognise that sanctity of things like friendship and love - you will not settle and this, in part, explains why these things do not simply fall into your lap. 

Keep fighting for your meaning. Keep trying to bring about the life you want. Have the humility to recognise that the good things will only come when they're supposed to come. And that every moment can be either a horrific, injury-inducing burden or a gift from God - you have some say in which one you choose to experience.