A Different Kind of Love

Will is trying to come out as gay, and the first person he wants to tell is his best friend, Jake. He's just not sure how to tell him...

I had never experienced the popular idea of pillow talk before. Of course, even then, I hadn’t ever had someone to share it with. There was no point in talking to the wall. Even they listened and repeated your dirty secrets back to those who listened intently on the other side. This time was different, though. I had been lounging in my bed, watching the television, not really paying attention to the passing of time. Jake had snuck into my room, catching me unaware.

“Boo,” he said, entering my room with such quiet that I hadn’t even noticed the door open.

I jumped, as to be expected. I didn’t expect to see anyone until my sister came up to inform me that it was morning and it was time to get up and get ready to “Face the day,” as she always said. Of course, at the point, I probably would have rolled over and gone back to sleep. “Hi, Jake.”

“Damn, Will, did I scare ya’,” he asked me, flashing his particularly attractive and cocky grin.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, you did,” I quipped back, pausing my show with the remote control.

“What’re we watching?”

“Does it matter?”

“Not really. Scootch over.”

Without any sort of approval or invitation, Jake shoved himself on my bed, next to me. It wasn’t something I was unfamiliar with. We’d been friends for ages. I remembered a time where I had done something similar as children.

It was a late night, and my mother had been drinking again. My sister had been smarter than myself, and arranged to stay the night at a friends house the evening prior. My father, a deadbeat, was nowhere to be found. Her father had passed away recently, thus he was unable to curb our mother’s drunken stupor. Fortunately, she was not a terribly violent drunk.

Ellie was my half-sister, but we were only a year apart. I remembered talking to her before she left. We both knew that it was going to be a rough night. Her father had died twelve years ago, exactly, on that day.

“Maybe you can go to Jake’s,” she had said optimistically.

“I could, but then who will make sure she stays in the house,” I had said, apparently with a wisdom well beyond my age.

We had said our goodbyes for the night, and she was out the door before I even realized that my mother had already gotten into her third glass of wine. At the time, I was fourteen. Ellie had been thirteen. Already we were seasoned veterans in this frequent dance of our mother consuming more wine than Jesus could create from water, and then expressing her woes for the world to hear. On this particular evening, however, an unexpected blessing had appeared in the way of the kind woman across the way, Justine, Jake’s mother.

Justine was also a single mother, but by choice, rather than by unfortunate circumstance. Jake was her only son. Prior to her arrival, I had been sitting with my mother on the couch, patting her back as she drank, and drank. The knock at the door had roused me from my internal withdrawal. “I’ll get it,” I had told my mother.

Making my way to the door, I heard her pop upon another bottle, and I could do nothing but sigh. I opened the door, and there stood Justine, casserole in her hands. A typical neighbor, plucked straight from a sitcom. “Hey, Will, is your mom home.”

I was inclined to say no, but Justine had never been the kind of woman you could lie to. “She is, but… It’s not the best time,” I said.

Justine narrowed her eyes at me. “Will, why don’t you go across the street and see Jake. I just got him this new game, I’m sure he’d love to have some company.”

“I have to stay here with my mom.”

“No, you go, I’ll stay and hang out with your mom. Where’s she at?”

I was wary about telling this woman, who I knew very little, where my mother was currently at, in such a weakened state. The imagination of a fourteen-year old boy is incredible. Eventually, I submitted. “She’s on the couch, in the den.”

She nodded, and brushed me out the door, closing it behind me. I heard her warm, calming voice from behind, “Jake’s in the living room!”

I remember the night vividly. It was chilly, but not too cold to where you needed a jacket. A sweatshirt, at most. I hurried across the street, and despite Justine telling me that I could just ‘head over’ I knocked on the door.

I heard shuffling from within the house. A young Jake opened the door. His hair was longer back then. “Hey, Will. Come on in!”

I did. His house was warm, and smelled like freshly baked goods. “It’s nice in here.”

“Thanks,” Jake started to say. “My mom works from home, so it leaves her with a lot of free time to clean and stuff. Come on, I just got the new Call of Duty. We can play together.”

I could tell, even back then, that Justine and Jake were the nicest people that I was ever going to meet.

“Will?”

I had been so ensnared in the past that I had almost forgotten that Jake was here now. Of course, we were both four years older, and about to graduate, but that didn’t really matter. “Yeah?”

“Something on your mind?”

“Sort of,” I said.

I wasn’t lying. There was something on my mind, but I wasn’t really sure how he would react. I had been keeping something from him, and my mother, and everyone. “I have something that I want to tell you, but I’m not really sure how.”

Jake rolled over onto his side, so that he was facing me. I got a good glimpse at his features. They were sharp, almost refined. His eyes were such a deep brown that in certain lights, they appeared black. His hair, shorter now, still drooped over his brows from time to time. “You know you can tell me anything, right Will?”

I nodded. I wasn’t sure I believed it, but I nodded, nonetheless. “I don’t know how to say it.”

“How hard can it be?”

“You’d… Be surprised.”

“Do you want me to guess?”

I considered it, but then I remembered who I was talking to. He would come up with all sorts of different, often horrible, instances where I would provide him with life changing information. “You’re pregnant,” he asked.

I smacked him in the chest, and he rolled back over, chuckling. “I am not pregnant, you idiot.”

Oddly enough, though, he wasn’t that far off from the truth. “What is it, then?”

I opened my mouth speak, an attempt to just spit it out, but my throat closed up, and I could bring myself to say the words aloud. I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. I tried again, but nothing came out but an exasperated sigh. Jake began to snicker, and I smacked him again. “I can’t even possibly imagine what you have to tell me. It can’t be that bad.”

Our arms were brushing up against each other. I remember every feeling I had in that moment. It felt as if the world had stopped moving. “Jake, I’m gay.”

The silence was the thing that killed me. It was as if the all things had chosen that particular moment to cease making any kind of noise. Perhaps it was the thundering of my heart that had drowned out all other sounds. I kept expecting him to leap to his feet and brandish a crucifix, or recite biblical verses, or try to perform an exorcism. I would have settled for anything aside from this silence.

“Okay,” he said finally.

“Okay?” I asked.

“Okay,” he said firmly.

“That’s it? Okay?”

“What else do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know,” I said, frustrated, almost shouting.

Jake raised his eyebrow in curiosity. “Are you mad?”

“Kind of. I was expecting a little more of a reaction,” I said, sitting up.

He sat up as well, but then continued to move, and stood next to my bed, hands on his hips. “Well, how would you have me react?”

“I don’t know, just… Do something!”

I began to ramble angrily, hot tears brimming in my eyes. I wasn’t sure where the anger was coming from, or the tears for that matter. I only remember Jake crawling onto my bed and wrapping me in his arms. I felt safe, in that moment. Like there was nothing in the universe that could harm us. I sobbed for a good ten minutes. Looking back, I feel bad. He was wearing on his favorite shirts that day, and I cried all over it.

“You good?” he asked me.

I wasn’t sure if I could answer. I withdrew from his arms and sat there, looking into his eyes, searching for something.

“I think so,” I said finally.

Another silence enveloped us. It wasn’t as painful as the first, but it certainly wasn’t comfortable. “Can I ask you a question?” I said.

“Of course,” he replied immediately.

“Things won’t get… Weird between us, will they?”

“Of course not,” he said quickly.

I was shocked, oddly enough. I expected him to say things like, “Of course they’ll be different,” or “are you insane? We can’t be friends anymore!” All of these were a result from my overactive imagination. Jake wasn’t a bad person.

“Do you have a thing for me?” he asked.

A question I had been dreading. I didn’t know the answer. I noticed him, of course. He was beautiful, in every way a man could be, but did I see him as more than my friend? “I don’t know.”

“Is there a way you could be sure, yes or no?”

“I don’t know.”

He sighed, and then smiled. “All right.”

We lapsed into another silence. “Jake?”

“Yeah, Will?”

“Can I kiss you?”

He was silent. It was a stupid question. Why would he say yes. He was straight. He didn’t have a girlfriend currently, and I hadn’t been aware of anyone that he was particularly interested in, but he was straight. He had never hinted otherwise. Then again, neither had I.

“I suppose,” he said.

I felt my cheeks flush red. It was dark, so maybe he couldn’t see them. He did, and his smile widened. “I find it funny how awkward all of this makes you feel.”

“How do you know I feel awkward?”

“I’ve known you far too long to not be able to know, Will. If you want to kiss me, go ahead. I won’t stop you.”

I inched forward, slowly. I wanted to kiss him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to it. Not without knowing if he was joking or not. What if that’s what this was, a joke? Or maybe he was testing me. If I kiss him, it’d be like an act of betrayal. Maybe he only said yes to see if I really knew him that well. Time continued on while I thought a trillion different scenarios in my head. Without blinking, Jake reached forward with his hands and cupped my cheeks in them. His face came forward, and I couldn’t breathe. Our lips pressed together, and it was like a rush I had never experienced before. But it didn’t feel right. It was exciting, and new, and sweet, and his lips were soft, and warm, but there was something that wasn’t right. His hands slid down my face and rested at my neck.

Jake rolled back on his knees, sitting in front of me, his hands still on my neck. “Well?” he asked.

I shook my head. “I don’t have a thing for you. If you ever want to kiss a guy though, let me know.”

He chuckled, and brought his hands back to his side. “Now it’s my turn to ask you a question.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Have you told anyone else?”

“No,” I said, lying back down on my side.

Jake did the same. We were facing each other. “Why?”

“I suppose for the same reason I had such a hard time telling you,” I started to say. “How do I know that they’ll accept me for who I am? What if I tell my mother, or my sister, and they choose to disown me?”

“That’s a little dramatic, isn’t it,” he said, frowning.

“I don’t know what to expect, Jake. I’ve never known anyone to go through this.”

“Tell my mom, as practice for telling your mom,” he said, shrugging.

I chuckled. “Your mom’s a lot more stable than mine.”

“True,” he said, laughing lightly.

We fell into yet another silence. It wasn’t awkward, or uncomfortable. “Hey, Jake? Can I ask you a question? Feel free to say no.”

He raised his brows. “Shoot.”

“You know how you held me just a second ago? Y’know, while I cried my eyes out for some inexplicable reason?”

“Yeah? You want me to do it again?”

“Until I fall asleep? Then, will you stay with me while I tell my mom and sister tomorrow?”

“Sure, Will. Anything you need.”

I looked at him. “I love you, Jake.”

“I love you too, Will.”

I lied down on my back, and Jake draped one arm over my chest, and set the other under my head. We lied there until we both fell asleep. The next day, I told my mother. Jake was the there, all the while. She even asked if we were together. We said no, of course. When we graduated, we went to the same school, and shared a room, then later an apartment. He started to date my sister, of all people. I met a guy, Mark. Ellie and Jake got engaged, then Mark and I got engaged. We got married at around the same time, and Jake and I were each other’s best man.

I never understood why I told him that I loved him that night. Perhaps it’s because before that, I had thought that you could only love someone romantically, if they weren’t family, but Jake was family. I told him I loved him, because I did. It was a traditional love, though. It was a different kind of life. He was like my brother. Then later, he really did become my brother.

Love is a word that is seldom used, and that’s not how it should be. We should love everyone who comes into our lives, for better or for worse. It doesn’t have to be romantic. Love them like family. Love your friends. Cherish them, because you never know what tomorrow will bring with it.