Symphony of Pain

Decided to combine Flames of Hatred, Disintegrating, Ice of Indifference, and Succumbing all into one cautionary tale. A Symphony of Pain. Learn and Enjoy. (Note, a few old lines have been changed)

Symphony of Pain

As I look back upon those days

As my emotions flowed over me

Breaking me down

Causing so much pain to everyone

I was foolish,

Come hear my masterpiece

As the sounds of my sufferings shout to the heavens

And create my Symphony of Pain

Now all those who hear this

Listen to my words of caution

Hear this chilling refrain

Of my Symphony of Pain

The Flames of Hatred shine so bright, the sickly blue flame always burning…..

Burning through humanity, burning through reason, destroying all the thoughts….

Flames of Hatred blinding to the truth, deluding the purpose

I will not be consumed by the Fires of Hatred….I refuse to die to the Flames of Hatred

 Consuming rage, overprotection, destroying everything good

Worse then what you hated…..To protect them, you ended up hurting them

You don’t want to hurt them, but in the end that’s the worst thing of all…

The Flames of Hatred are consuming me….I’m dying to the Flames of Hatred

 

No..I wont die….No…I wont do that to them…They don’t deserve that….

I refuse to do that to them…..For them ill put out the flames…..

Not for the person the flames were kindled by…I’m not making peace for their sake

Im doing it for the rest, they’ve done so much for me….they don’t deserve that….

 

I will not do this to them….Not them…..Ive done all I can to help them….

And maybe that’s the worst part of all, delusion to the point of madness

I wanted to help them….and ended up destroying everyone….

Destroying their minds, their lives, their souls….

Im sorry everyone…Im sorry for everything…Im sorry for letting them consume me

 

The flames of hatred shine so bright, the sickly blue flame always burning…..

Burning through humanity, burning through reason, destroying all the thoughts….

Flames of Hatred blinding to the truth, deluding the purpose

Flames of Hatred consuming me….

Disintegrating

Disintegrating

In front of your eyes

As you see me

As you see me fall apart

When all the long-forgotten days come rushing back at me

As I think of you, oh selfless angel

Everything that has happened to you

I do not wish to hurt you

But sometimes I fall apart

This disintegration

Taking everything that holds me up

But do not think you are at fault

It is my fault alone

Disintegrating, losing my form

My form which has been burnt by the Flames of Hatred

My power taken from me, being made into a pawn

A pawn of my emotions

I cannot stop them

If only I could

Keep my form

Disintegration taking apart my speech

My body, mind, and soul

Oh selfless angel, why must I do this?

Why must this happen in front of your eyes?

Why must I make you feel powerless?

Why must I disintegrate?

Into Nothingness?

The Ice of Indifference

I have been burnt by the Flames of Hatred

I have disintegrated so many times I can no longer comprehend them

What now?

What will strike next?

What could be worse than Flames or Destruction?

But the ice

The ice of indifference

It is closing in on me

If it closes in on me, if it swallows me up in its cold embrace

I will lose all empathy, all emotion

I will cause irreparable pain….

Horrible, terrible pain

At least with hatred you care about them

you can care about others

Indifference…

Looking upon all the same, upon all with nothing

Blank looks from the eyes

Looking forth upon the world

That is what you will see

If the ice consumes me

Slowly advancing

Covering burnt and destroyed ground

Building upon it all

Until I can no longer resist

And once, my ability to move, it slips away from me

To resist, to escape

I shall no longer be able to live

Survive possibly, but not live

I cannot be swallowed by the ice of indifference

Therein lies the destruction of all

Flames merely burn, disintegration merely does away with the body

The Ice traps and destroys all

Or rather makes me want to destroy myself for it

Succumbing

Here I lie under the sun

Majestic golden orb of light

Life-giving, earth-shattering, beautiful

And yet I am succumbing

I’ve been given wealth

I have all the possessions I could ever need

I live neither in poverty, nor hunger

And yet I am succumbing

I look upon all of them around me

The blinded, shuffling masses

Going about their lives

And yet I am succumbing

I have endured the Flames of Hatred

I have disintegrated into nothingness and resurrected myself

I have broken out of the ice of indifference

And yet I am succumbing

And what did I succumb to?

Complacency, self-assurance, arrogance

Overvaluing myself and what I thought I knew

When really I knew nothing

And now I look back upon those times

I could have made all the difference

Fallen not into false hopes

But to see the truth

If I could have been happy

And not succumbed

To hubris, to overvaluation

Pretending I was a hero

Complacency

Laziness

I refuse to make an effort

Thinking that if I just waited

It would all work out in my favour

And yet…if only I could have waited

At the crucial moment

And spared them so much pain

And now I am succumbing

Passing it on to all who surround me

Run, run while you can

My rotting corpse is a death trap

If only I could have stopped myself

I would not be succumbing

I would not be dying

And killing all those who surround me

Bringing them down with me

Why, why did I have to do this?

If only I could have stopped…..

I would not have succumbed

I would not be succumbing

I have survived all else…

I have endured the Flames of Hatred

I have disintegrated into nothingness and resurrected myself

I have broken out of the ice of indifference

And yet I am succumbing

Why now? Why ever?

I cannot bring them down with me

I refuse to bring them down with me

I cannot let them succumb with me

So? What do you think of it all?

As I look back into that time

Into the days of yesterday

i wonder what I could have done 

To change it all

For who was I really harming all those times?

Every time I was burnt, fell apart, froze myself, or died?

And now go forward, and with this symphony 

Ringing in your ears

Remember, your suffering is not simply your own

Do not repeat the mistakes of the past

Or someday You may be playing

Your own Symphony 

Author's Note

Any and all comments, criticizing or otherwise, are welcome.

PS: I know it is kind of long, but it is all of my old poems in one, and I didn't feel like cutting parts out for those few who actually read my old ones.

Reviews

[spence]

Well I certainly hope this was a fruitful journey for you maestro... it sounds like those times I have teetered upon the brink of the abyss- fallen in and woken up in some place I didn't recognise... usually coming down off something or still drunk! A lot of my early work is reminiscent of this actually, so I'm assuming we share similiar fears of failing to protect those we love- especially from our own failings as human beings and abandonment. I guess I came to look at this type of deeply introspective/existentialist/esoteric thinking was- 'at least i give a s**t enough to think that deeply!', but I eventually gave it up for the wider world anyway. I think these 'stream of consciousness' internal musings are exceptionally theraputic and it is good when they turn out to have a universal element that readers can relate to. I think this does that to a larger extent though it did feel mildly self-indulgent toward the end, (I'm guilty of very similar- it's a b*****d trying to end such things in a way that is inclusive, or as I said, 'universal'), but all in all an entertainingly angst ridden read that i could relate to... possibly a bit too much for my liking!
Wanted to add my thanks for all the reviews you've left me too- sorry i'm not around much- kids and christmas are hard work and so I write prolifically in my leisure time, but not much time to read at the minute! I will of course reciprocate your generous offerings at the nearest time possible! Hope you have a good christmas if I don't hear from you before, take care, spence