Chapter 2 "I missed you"

I think you can figuar it out

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2

I missed you

 

I walked by the garage door and I heard Nick, Adam, and Shane fighting over video games. Typical. I slowly opened the big garage door. It went from fighting to silence. I let out a giggle.

 

“Hay guys. Fighting over video games again,” I said laughing. “Well, Nick said that when you press the down button to pull up the phone, Shane said, In a complaining tone. “Well it does,” Nick said. “No it don't Nick,” Adam said.

 

“What are you playing,” I said, pushing Nick and Shane to the left so I could sit down. “Grand Theft Auto,” Adam said.

 

“Oh my god. All of you are wrong. You press the up button to bring up the phone.” I said showing them. “Yeah, then you press the down button to bring the phone up all the way so you can use the keypad, right,” Nick said. “No, you press the up button again to bring it all the way up. Then you press the 'A' button to select the numbers. Then when you want to move use the directional pad to move where you want.” I said. “Oh,” the all said at once. “Yeah, now be quiet, grandma don't know I'm hear, no one does.” I said getting up. “Sorry,” Nick said. “Its okay,” I said.

 

“Hi,” I said walking into the house. “Hay, what are you doing hear,” my grandma Brenda said hugging me. “I was in Dayton for a movie, and I'm staying at The Holiday Inn here in Xenia,” I said hugging her back.

 

“Ah, you should have called, I would have told Gina to come over,” my grandma said. “Well, I have a couple hours to myself, so I thought I would come and see you guys, but apparently, Nick, Adam, and Shane are to busy,” I said loud enough for them to hear. It didn't work. We both laughed. “So how have you been grams,” I asked, grams is what we all call her. “Oh, holding on there, I've missed you.” She said. “I know, I've missed you also. Having life of fame and fortune isn't what it seems. In fact, I'm making a song about that, my first song.”

 

We talked and talked and I looked up at the clock it said seven-thirty. I said my final good-byes and I left.

 

On the way home, “Misery Business” by Paramore came on and I stated singing along with it. “Hit that, hit that snare. I'm in the business of misery, lets take it from the top, shes got a body like an hourglass its ticking like a clock.” I sang along with the whole song. It started and ended nearly in perfect timing within the time of driving from my grandmas house to the hotel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[veronica.voodoo]

this is really good; a few grammatical errors but good! but some things that caught my attention are: what does America look like? what do her castmates and her family look like (sorry im like all psycho with descriptions)? For major characters you have to describe what they look like, even minor characters need some sort of description. like for instance, when america is driving to the Holiday Inn, you could say 'Singing along to Haley's voice and the melodic beat of the song, i looked in the rearview mirror, my _____(insert eye color here) eyes looked tired as i drove away from my family." or something alone those lines to give a sense of familiarity for the reader.
-Another thing, create a new paragraph when there's a speaker so it's easier for the reader to tell who's talking. when America and her grandmother were talking, i found it hard to keep track of who was saying what. Same when america is teaching her cousins to play the videogame.
-Lastly, show us, dont tell us. You tell us things that arent exactly necessary, like the way America calls her grandmother 'grams'. It would be just fine if you kept the dialogue but omitted 'we all call her grams'.
that's all i got for you but dont take this to heart, you have a good thing going here.
great job!