Mirror from Singapore

Coming to terms with the fact that what you've been doing, hasn't been working.

Here I sit, on the patio of a coffee shop with the light of my computer screen glaring back at me when the man approached me. He is visiting Austin from Singapore and is prompting me to go out to Sixth Street with him and his friends for their "authentic" night in Austin. I am sitting on the patio of this coffee shop on a Friday night for the sole reason I could find absolutely nothing to do. Friends out of town, at work or with their boyfriends and a lonely bored me. He kept telling me how "cool" I am and how I am young and should enjoy every opportunity for fun that is thrown my way. All of this without knowing a thing about me. He is now inside and I am still here contemplating going with him and his friends for the possibility of a good time or staying here as I had planned for my lonely night of writing about experiences I could have had or experiences I come up with for other people. It really makes me beg the question: Am I the only one standing in the way of my own good time? All I can think about lately (at the early age of 23) is how all of my friends are in these beautiful, crazy, strange relationships and I have no one. Not even just now, for the time being but in life, I have experienced no one. No whirlwind romance or just plain ol' romance without the whirlwind. They are all getting their masters or graduating from undergrad or going to Costa Rica to collect data about trees in the rain forest. I always use the excuse of not having the support or opportunity or time or money and or everything else that most people my age are given. Then I think about all the 20 somethings making their own opportunities, making their own way and that makes me feel even worse. The f*****g world's smallest violin playing my song over and over again. This is f*****g America and people break the odds and rise from the ashes everyday but here I am, thinking I'm special because I was born to an unfortunate pair of people and have had some bad s**t happen to me. Wounded. Who am I to be wounded? There have been worse and there will continue to be worse.

 

My Singapore stranger has left the cafe and my opportunity for fun has vanished for the night. I realize now that the answer to my question is: yes. Yes, it is I who stands in the way of my own good time. It is I, who is too scared or lazy or unwilling to take chances that come my way every day or work hard for what I truly want. This realization has been working its way into my mind little by little for the last year or so but I am hoping that this coffee shop encounter has laid out the puzzle pieces for me. I am hoping that writing down what I’ve come to realize, will help me break the bad habits and replace them with excessive amounts of positivity and risk taking. It will take me out of the everyday routine of feeling sorry for myself while also wanting to feel nothing at all. Coming home, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes and zoning out to someone else’s life via Netflix would ideally be replaced with improve classes, more writing, more reading, more exercise (healthy body-healthy mind), finding new favorites and new people and new opportunities. Life is mine for the taking but not for the waiting. As too many have advised "Don't let life pass you by". That is exactly what I’ve been doing. Tonight, I put my foot down. I say no more to myself. If I'm not going to get what I deserve from the people who are not capable of giving it, then I at least deserve more from myself. I commit to working harder for me. So I thank you, man from Singapore. You were right. I am young and I need to take chances and so I shall. I am now betting on me.

Author's Note

Trying to follow through with the commitment I made to myself the night I wrote this. I thought it would be an appropriate first entry. Input and opinions always welcome.