I'M TIRED

I’m tired. I’m tired of being overwhelmed and overlooked and underpaid and underappreciated and underestimated and overstimulated and hyper vigilant for the next disaster and ghosted by men I don’t even want and forgotten by friends I’m never not considering and i’m tired of being unknown by the people who raised me who just expect me to stay the same whilst also growing and maturing and exploring. I’m tired of being a woman in this world that expects me to act safe even though I’m not, to trust every man with good intentions even though it’s impossible to know what his intentions are. I’m tired of keeping things tidy and pretty so that people will believe I actually care about things more than i do. I’m tired of faking good mental health when most of the time I’m one small disaster away from a breakdown I’m tired of the expectation to be happy all the time and especially when social occasions call for it and family wants it and friends hope for it and my brain just wants to take a break from everything without really dying but the kind of dying where you can always come back when you’re ready.

I’m ready to leave behind everyone I know and never have to talk to anyone or smile at anyone or consider anyone’s feelings or remember their birthdays and buy them cards they’ll glance at once to see if there’s money then throw away. I’m ready to shed my name and identity and move somewhere remote where I don't need money or time or work and i just exist and no one expects anything of me or from me. I'm ready to abandon the search for emotional clarity and maturity and be careless and selfish and awful and hungry and lustful and evil. 

I want no more stress, or joy or desire or friendship or family or television or books or space or mountains. I want a vacuum of just me separate from my thoughts from anything I ever dare to let myself want or hope for. Just me. I WANT F*****G PEACE.