The Easy Way Out

Why take the Easy Way Out?

     I felt a surge of nervousness and fear gobble up my body. Of course, you kinda get that feeling when you’re about to plunge to your death. To what extent can I endure this? My constant cries and shouts are never heard. It seems I’m far away, even though I’m too close. My pupils dilated. They were ignoring me, yes! Yes, they were ignoring me! Teasing me! They want to break me! No they won’t, they couldn’t. I wouldn’t let them. How could they?

          Tell me, what do I do when I’m not sure who I am? Who I want to be? What my motives are? Am I the devil or the angel? I’ve done things I’m not proud of, and there’s no way to undo them. What do I do? When I can’t find a shoulder to lean on, when my loved ones are gone? What do I do? When I’m scared and laughed at, when my pain is just a joke?! What do I do ?! When I’m pushed to the edge? When I lost the privilege of saying “ I love you” and then hearing a reply. When I became the beast that plots my demise? I scream in immense agony, and my eyes are wet with tears, blurring my image. The sound echoed off the nearby city’s structures, yet no one seemed to hear. The answer presented itself, the rigged edge of the cliff. It struck my brain, this is what I have to do. I keep going over that, I’m not sure why.

     I take one step towards the edge. It was a foggy, dull morning. The icy snowflakes pierce my skin and sends pellets of ice through my veins. My second step came in harmony with my heart’s throbbing and speeding of pace. It matches the bitterness of the cold air. Just a few more steps away, but my legs didn’t budge they wouldn’t, couldn’t move any further. I know why.

   I searched my surroundings quickly to find its beauty. Well that can’t be found in this weather. Neither it is to be found in such short notice, it needs time. Honestly though, I haven’t found much beauty in this world. There was nothing to be loved. Why would I love the bitterness of the cold or the searing rays of the sun. What is there but horror in the whispers of the wind or the rustling of the trees. I also wonder how people enjoy the game creatures play with each other’s lives. There’s nothing to say goodbye to. I send that message to my leg, and it responds with a sad, eerie response.

   I continue my journey, until I am at the edge, the edge of my life. My heart was out of control now, finding a way out of my body, pumping terror and insecurity to the smallest of capillaries. The aura of decay was too strong and cloudy inside my nose. My vision diverts towards the depths below me.

      My whole body was shaking, my eyes were turning back towards my brain and I plunge into my childhood, my favorite part of my so-called life. I drowned in the events my life, given a time line that appears to have come to a dead-end.

The fog of memories spread out . I was lying in bed with my mom, in a deep hug that produced a powerful warmth.
“mommy, I love you” I said in a childish voice. “Please don’t leave”
“ me too sweetheart, you are the best boy in the world,I wouldn’t trade you away for a million dollars” she said in the sweetest voice ever “besides, it’s only two days, and dad will be here”
“I don’t like daddy” I confessed “ he keeps shouting to me”
“He only does that because he cares about you” she told me “ I’ll always be right here” she pointed at my heart and gave me a big hug.

  The scene shifted, I was at the basketball court shooting hoops with my Best friend. “pass me the ball “ she said, I refused. She started running my way. I dodged and chuckled “why you little …” she desperately tried to take it, but couldn’t. She was as mad as a bull. We chased each other and I tripped over the floor, with a loud thump, she tripped over me. We were laughing until we couldn’t breathe. I was having the time of my life, but, the memory drifted away.

     I see my mother again, helping me study. She noticed tear building up in my eye.
“What’s wrong sweetheart?” she asked sensing my pain.
“Nothing” I lied.
“ I know there is something, please, you know you could trust me” she replied, I agreed.
“ the kids in class keep teasing me, calling me names, and bullying me because I don’t think like they do.” I said hoarsely “Am I weird, mom? Am I?”
She hugged me and said “well, let me tell you something, you may be weird, but, that just makes you who you are, it makes you the best you, you can be.”
“Really?”
“yes, they’re just jealous of you”
“ That still doesn’t give them the right to bully me, does it?”
“ nothing is going to happen to you as long I’m here”
“ And what if… What if…” A tear drops out of my eye, and my throat becomes heavy, it’s hard to speak “What if I lose you?!” It came out louder than I expected, and I held myself from sobbing.
“ You won’t, I’ll always be right here” She pointed at my heart again. I looked into her reassuring eyes
“I love you” I managed to say
“I love you much, much more” she assured me “ Now c’mon, this homework isn’t going to finish itself”

   This time I was clouded by a gloomy aura. “No!” I tried to shriek as I was reaching through the mist for my mom. The mist mocked me and threw me even farther away into the ever-lasting melancholy. As the feelings started to emerge, I tried going even further away, but I wasn’t in control

I was in a vast sea of chairs, full of people wearing black; in front of me lay a big wooden coffin. My mom’s name was engraved in black cursive letters. I was sobbing loudly, regardless of my surroundings. Nothing really mattered any more. My mother was dead; the reason I live was dead.

My face and suit was wet with tears, my heart was in pure inhuman agony. I couldn’t breathe. It doesn’t matter anymore. Someone tried to console me and say something. Regardless of who he was I shoved his hands away and cried “there’s no okay now! Leave me alone! I… I...”I sobbed and gave up.

There was a tear for every good memory of her, and as you can see, I’m soaked.  There wasn’t anything I can do. I can’t do anything to bring back my missing heart. I had no control over my body which seemed worthless at the moment. Out of instinct I leaped out of my chair on the side of the coffin, I hugged it as hard as I can “Come back!” I screamed feeling as if I was pulling my throat out. “Please come back! I beg you! What am I going to do without you! Mommy! Ple-… please come back to me! I’d do anything” There was nothing else to do.

The scene disappeared and I re-appeared in my house. “You didn’t even try” Scolded my father “Tell me! When did you ever get a good grade?! You are just a disappointment to me! I should’ve left you on the streets! You know what? You don’t even deserve the streets!” He gave me a flaming slap that hurt way more on the inside than on the outside. “There! I’ve been meaning to do that for some time” He held me from the shirt “I wonder why your mother even loved you! Now go away, I don’t want to see your face today!”

      I managed to shout back to him “Neither do I!” and run straight into my bedroom before I show any sign of tears or that I care. Fail one paper, and hell breaks in. He never even loved me, and he proves it every day.  Once he was in his bedroom, I went to the kitchen, and started to cut some cucumbers to eat, I was hungry. I thought of the time when I came back with a, bulging, purple eye from a bully, he just yelled at me for not having self defense. I still don’t believe what my mom said about him protecting me. “I need you” I mumble holding back the tears. A searing pain from my hand breaks my thought. I accidentally cut my hand, but I don’t move the knife away, in fact, I push it harder. I like the pain.

As the memories drift away I feel laughter, and a sudden pain. Someone tripped me. The whole class was laughing.
“Stop laughing!” I shouted “stop it!” It felt as if I were trying to shout in space. 
“Take a seat right now mister!” said the teacher
“But I…”
“I said now!” she insisted “Perhaps you would like to sum up last week’s chapter”
“The one on the states of matter?” A wave of giggles hummed in the class
“No, that was the week before” she explained
“Sorry Mrs. Emily, he was too busy talking to his imaginary friend” They burst into laughter. She immediately hushed the class, but there was a hint of amusement in her face.

     The scene shifts to the basketball court. I was reading a comic in the stands. I tried to ignore my surroundings; my best friend had an extra class, so I chose to sit in the lonely stands. Ryan, the class bully threw the ball at me, straight in the spot where my father had slapped me. It not only got bad memories, but, I lost feeling of it, as if my nerves were detached for a second.
“What’s your problem, can’t catch a ball?” he teased
That was enough “What’s my problem?! Why don’t you tell me what your problem is?! ‘Cuz surely you’ve got a load.”
“Now, now peanut brain, remember what your mother said, talk politely to the elderly”
Words failed me. I ran at him and gave him a punch right in the stomach, followed by a grunt that spoke pain. He just punched me in the face and gave me a kick in the groin. I felt my face swell and my groin afflicted with burning agony. He then threw the ball at me. I just lay at the ground unable to move.

Another shout emanated from my head
“It’s none of your business! “ I shouted
“I just... I was trying to…” My best friend said
“Leave me alone!”
“You know what? You deserve to be left alone!” She replied
“I don’t care, I already lost everything, it won’t matter with you” I screamed, It was full of emotion, it spoke sadness, anger and anguish
“Bye!” she cried as she left tears swarming her eyes.
“Bye” I whispered back, but part of it was directed at me.

My memories drift away, as if being destroyed, for I will no longer need them. My brain is free of memories. However, through the silky mist, emanates a memory that came from the core of my heart.

I was 9 years old, a couple of weeks after I confessed to my mom about the bullies. I was playing around the house, acting as if I’m a cop. That day I was filled with happiness. My father was out for work. My imagination was once wild. My father had confiscated my gun. I went to his well-organized office and found it in his drawer. It felt heavier, it only made me feel much better, because I thought he bought me new play ammo.  I thought I’d test it out.

“Put your hands in the air, mom!” She took one look at the cute , awkward uniform I was wearing  and laughed.
“gotcha officer” she said and raised her arms laughing.
“ Why did you steal that car?” I asked trying not to laugh
“I’ll show you!” she ran at me
I giggled “No! Don’t!” she carried me and I pulled the trigger.

There was a loud bang and I laughed, but, this time my mother didn’t, her eyes widened, and slowly closed.  She fell to the ground with me in her arms uttering a gasp. That gasp showed all her beauty and love. The gasp that marked the release of her soul!
I looked at her with fear my mouth widening. My heart dropped. 
“Mom! Mom no! Mom!”  I shook her and shook her.  She didn’t answer. She kept still with that laughter in her face. The whole world stopped. My hands were covered with her sputtering blood. I was in pure shock. It can’t be! It can’t be! My heart was scarred. I was broken down on the floor. I didn’t understand a thing. Bullets penetrated my heart; I’m a murderer

    The memory faded with a loud cry, I fell to the ground, her laughter still echoing in my head. After that I became a monster, getting into fights, stealing, fighting friends. The bitterness of the cold started to fill my senses again.

There’s nothing in future for me, because I lost my mother. I killed my mother. I stood up, and without hesitation, I Jumped. My heart dropped, and my soul gripped on to me, trying to not let go.

That’s where I went wrong, that was my demise. Everything slowed down, my senses going stronger, as blasts of frozen wind blow into my face. My dreams, what happened to my dreams, my virtues, my morals? What happened to the fact that I once wanted to change the world, which I once believed I could.

How could I have destroyed my pure heart? How could I have let something come in my way to success? I chose the easy way out. I gave up, I had no faith.

I looked back once more, at my father’s tantrums; I saw the worry in his eyes. I remembered something my mom once said “ He’s only trying to protect you” and so he was. He showed me a side that’s not really him, to try and make me a better me.

I look back at the bullies. I was never weaker than them. They were always weaker than me. They gave me an illusion of strength, and I have fell for it hypnotized.

My father was never my enemy. The bullies were never worthy of that title.  As my heart beats and my soul is ripping out of place, I realize something I’ve never realized, I am the enemy, I let my inner beast take control.

I have emptied my mind and purified my soul. I am now ready to face the consequences. I notice a change in weather. Instead of the bitterness of the cold, I receive a warm breeze. I look at the beauty around me, the beauty to which I’ve been blind. I got a change of heart, but it was too late for that. I was weak. Now, I’m just a boy who lived, then died.

My Soul starts ripping apart of my body, and my heart starts to slow its beat. This is the end, yet the beginning of a painful hell.  As my heart unfolds, I feel a familiar soul. It, No, she imparted “I forgive you, I understand you” She pulled out my heart “But this is how you fail!” Everything was black.

 

 

 

Author's Note

I used the whole writing process on this