Darkness

I knew that something was wrong the moment I had awoken. I opened my eyes and my body tingled all over, I was parallel with the wooden floorboards and i watched a large trail of blood running like a river across the room. I weakly tried to stand up but once i got to my feet I stumbled and fell to my knees. I felt a warm substance on my trembling hands and i looked down, my shirt was soaked through with my own blood and then I realized where it had come from. I sat up, took weak to do anything but sit and wait. Thats when the snarling and scraping at the door began. It started suddenly, the lights blowing out like candles in the breeze. The long shadow of a creature was cast under the door. It was walking back and forth scraping at the door, I once again tried to stand up but stumbled knocking over the nightstand and ripping the wounds back open. I screamed in pain and the thing outside my door stopped. It started in what seemed like a low chuckle, like it enjoyed my pain. Then without warning the door crashed open and the creature lunged for me, it was large, almost like a doberman pincer except it was made entirely of shadows. It had no corporeal form and when i tried to kick it away my foot sank into it's body like it wasnt even there. It slowly walked up to my on it's four inky black paws. As it approached my breaths seemed to get more and more ragged, i coughed a raspy cough but it placed it's paw on my leg and cut deep into the flesh with it's sharp talons. The demonic dog had gotten so close that the air around me was freezing and reeked of death. I screamed when the cut broke through the trance of cold and i tried to get away, but it only held me there, and it looked into my eyes. All i can remember were those red, souless eyes. The creature brought it's mouth to my ear.. and spoke in a dark voice. As low as a grave, it told me to embrace the darkness. Then it attacked and it bit into my face, and thats the last thing i remember.

Author's Note

First post :) leave feedback

Reviews

[Mathias Winters]

Very dark and interesting. It's pretty amazing how you create an atmosphere in your story. Two things though. You use the word "I" a lot in the beginning of the story. I would try to correct this to add some diversity to your sentences. Also, when the monster tells the character to "embrace the darkness", I would actually make that dialogue. It singles out what the monster is telling him and makes it sound nice and creepy.

Very nicely done.

[rnuff]

Pretty dark, awesome imagery. Enjoyed the detail as well.

[schnickythep]

Good stuff man.

[Aarontastic]

This is a pretty interesting story; it definitely caught my attention from the abrupt opening lines and held it throughout til the end, and it was tense and spooky like you intended it to be.

There were some grammatical mistakes littered throughout however, and I couldn't help but notice them. Some people don't care about the grammar in their stories and don't their want errors pointed out (which is fine with me b.c critiquing that is boring), but just in case you wanted help with that part of your writing, I'll speak to that first: there's a few instances where you don't capitalize "I" randomly, but I'm guessing you knew about that. The only other thing was that you often placed commas where there should've been semi-colons--> ; Not really a big deal, but if you would like your stuff to look more professional, it's worth correcting. For example, this sentence:

"I opened my eyes and my body tingled all over, I was parallel with the wooden..."

should be this:

"I opened my eyes and my body tingled all over; I was parallel with the wooden..."

so an easy way to remember when to use those bad boys is that whenever you are are foregoing a period (new sentence) to continue on with the one you're already on, throw in a ; instead of a ,

Also, remember that "it's" is a contraction for "it is"; it's not possessive like most other 's words. So when you are saying "brought it's mouth" you don't need the apostrophe there.

But yeah! Besides those little oversights, I liked your short story. In fact, I think it would be a cool thing to build on if you could see yourself coming back to it. There are a lot of unanswered questions regarding the nature of this evil-shadow dog thing: why is it attacking? What's it want? Who is the person that it's attempting to eat? There's a lot of potential for a bigger story involving this little scene if you felt like doing it.

You created a scary atmosphere pretty well, and you've got a better vocab than most 15 yos probably do; there was plenty of good imagery in here too. Nice work on your first post, and I hope you write more stuff soon cuz I know you'll get even better :)

[GreenQueen]

Very nice, analytic, descriptive. I love your use of words, your expressions are captivating. Agreeing with MathiasWinters on your use of "i" but no worries. I feel as if this would intrigue me more so if you threw some dialogue in there! Very good, especially for your first published.

Beautifully written :)

[..]

I found it kind of dark and deep.
I enjoyed it!