Tragedy of The Red Death

We are reading this story in class by edgar allen poe and i wrote a poem dealing with the subject

The pain

It consumes my nerves

Excruciating and constant.

 

Blood

Pouring out of every orface in my body

It soakes my clothes and pools on the floor.

 

Time

The one thing i don't have

Thirty minutes till the fate takes my life

This horrible disease moves inside me like a hungry tiger

Devouring my entire body on it's horrid rampage

 

I lay on the floor

In a pool of my own blood

Waiting for the last second of my life to tick away.

 

There i am

Helpless and defensless

Against this invincible force

Waiting for the harbringer of death to take my soul

And drag it to the deepest depths of hell

Where i am forced to burn fo eternity.

 

I would have done it all differntly

If i had known

But mow i lay on the edge of my excistance

Looking at all of my selfish deed and works.

 

Wait....NO.........NOT NOW!

Please just let me have a second chance?

STOP! STAY BACK............ NO DON'T TOUCH ME!

NO.........NO..........no.

Reviews

[AllyKinzz:)]

You should put "pools of blood form on the floor" instead of " pools on the floor."
Also you should put a creative word in the line "Thirty minutes till the fate takes my life", like um devistating, or deadly. something like that.
In the line "This horrible disease moves inside me like a hungry tiger" instead of just hungry tiger, you should use a more powerful word.


"There i am

Helpless and defensless

Against this invincible force

Waiting for the harbringer of death to take my soul

And drag it to the deepest depths of hell

Where i am forced to burn fo eternity.



I would have done it all differntly

If i had known

But mow i lay on the edge of my excistance

Looking at all of my selfish deed and works."
Between these two paragraphs you should add another paragraph to put more...POWER into the piece. Does that make sense?

The ending is good, but the dots (..........) take away some of the emphisis to the piece.

:D you wanted a critique i gave it to ya my love :D

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

Terrifying and Disturbing. You have definitely creating a chilling piece here.
It was a thrill and a joy to read.