Rat Race, Cant Face

30 years old and in need of direction. An honest insight into emotions and thoughts.

I've always felt like i was meant to do "something" but what that something is im beginning to fear i'll never know. Up until i reached my 30's everything was relatively plain sailing, apart from the usual issues a lad growing up in this era encounters . Maybe that is my isssue, its taken me this long to step back and grow up! I've always known i wouldnt be the kind of guy to have children early and settle into the family life like a duck takes to water, although that doesnt mean i dont want it. Im great at diagnosing my fears/problems but absolutley awful at treating them, for want of a better analogy. I hate the rat race, yet i'm in it, i hate the city where i work, yet i drive to it everyday, i dont mind my job but i know deep down its not me and the people around me arent me. If i look back in 30 actually no 20 years and still feel the same i will have lost in my eyes.

Although to anybody in my life i'm the happy go lucky guy, who laughs his way through any situation, who is so laid back he's lying down ( Mothers description) , who makes friends with almost anybody i meet, i cant help but think i dont know my purpose yet! and i want a purpose, i want to feel alive, feel emotion on a daily basis.

I've never written anything in my life that wasnt requested by a teacher a boss or my wife. I really dont know what the purpose of writing this is yet but as i was sat in the gym earlier over thinking things as usual i thought why not put things down on paper. I've had this thought about 4-5 times over the past year, basically since i hit 30, but it always passes. For some reason this time was different, i'd like to say i walked straight out of the gym and my life changed, but i'm too OCD for that! But i've made a start and i'm actually in a strange way beginning to learn things about myself. Although im very aware its one thing writing this for myself, but a whole other ball game allowing someone else to see/hear my thoughts.

I'm concious not to write all the little details about myself here and try and concentrate on my feelings and dreams, i also dont want this to be a self pity piece or a cry for help, or maybe thats what this is! I'm honestly not sure, but i'm very aware of a pattern emerging here!

I've travelled to lots of cities and countries around the world, i've played sport at a decent level, I'm fit and healthy, have an amazing wife and brilliant suportive family and friends, if i described my job to you im sure you would say that must be rewarding but its not enough, i know i have more to offer, i want to make people happy, i think thats where my happiness lies. I always say to people that i come first in my life, my thinking behind that is if i'm happy then i can make others happy, but i can see the madness in that! Surley it should be the other way around? Maybe the confusion is becoming more obvious.

I said to myself if i start to ramble i would stop and i fear i'm begining to ramble. What next? Something in me wants people to read this, i have no idea why but maybe its to start to feel alive, start to connect with people outside of my comfortable circle that i've been enclosed in for 30 years. I wonder if people out there are similar, want to hear more even, or maybe want to tell me to pipe down and deal with life like the rest of society seem to do so well. I shall see.....

Author's Note

Would love some feedback, understand the grammar may not be great. First piece of writing I've ever done, just had the urge today so took the plunge.

Reviews

[Shannon]

I am very new here, too. I love to learn about our world through the diverse experiences of the people living within it. Not everyone love first person, real life story telling, but I do. I feel like it makes out world and out minds broad. Consider sharing some experiences (and reading mine, as well)!