Love

A different take on love.

“Why don’t we go out tonight? We could sit on a hill and look at stars like cliche romantics,” Danielle said. 

We’ve been trying to decide what we should do for our one month anniversary, and nothing up to this point has sounded very good. But a cliche evening with Danielle could be interesting. I’m over going to the dinners with the nice glasses of champagne, or an evening at the movies. All of it is such old news now. For some reason doing something even more common than all those is intriguing to me. 

Maybe it’s because when she was still alive, her and I would do things that were cheesy and childlike. But that’s what made them fun. The idea of not growing up.

“Sure,” I say, hesitating a bit before finishing. “Seven o’ clock then. Be ready,” I finish. 

“Got it. I love you,” she responds. 

I don’t say anything in return and hang up the phone. I talk less than I used to.

Lately it seems that my life has been on autopilot. Going through the motions that I never used to take for granted. But now, are just lifeless checkpoints at which I never feel satisfied or optimistic. I lay on my bed watching the fan above me twirl around swiping the bangs off my greasy forehead. The breeze drying up my moist eyeballs forcing me to blink. With my hands tucked behind my head for support, I daydream. 

Just before I’m about to head out the door, I slip on my shiny black shoes that I’ve worn no more than a few times, and a black jacket to make me feel official. I have no idea how Danielle is going to be dressed, but it’s only a one month celebration�"it’s not that special of an occasion. 

I wish I were still in college�"where dating someone didn’t have obligations attached. You could hang out with them, go out to eat, and do what college kids do without thinking twice about it. A time when your conscience was completely clear of living up to someone else’s expectations. However, I’ve been out of college for nearly three years now, and it’s not getting any closer. The amount of time I spent wishing I were out of college when I was there could have been spent trying to figure out a strategy of where I planned to go. I didn’t have any plans. I just wanted to be a writer. And I became one. I published my first book around six months ago, but then something took that joy of accomplishment away…

I pull up to Danielle’s apartment in my old blue Volvo. The car stinks of age and gym socks, which were left in the back after I got through at the gym this morning. As I get out of the car, I see Danielle in a beautiful white dress that has red flowers sprinkled on it. It’s possibly one of the most gorgeous dresses that I’ve ever seen. As she makes her way down the wooden steps (her heels going clack! clack! clack!), I make my way to the other side of the car, and open the passenger door for her. 

She smiles at me. 

“You look nice,” I say, as she steps into the car and sits down. 

“As do you,” she responds, smiling. 

I close the car door, and make my way around and start the car. It hisses and sputters before it’s ready to be driven. I really need a new car. We never decided where we were going to have this shindig, so I thought I would go to the only place I know to go. 

We drive down a dirt road in the midst of the forest on the outskirts of town. Hardly anyone lives back here, and if they do, we are so well hidden that they wouldn’t notice us trespassing on their land anyway. The moon shines beautifully through the thick and thin branches of this autumn evening. The air is breezy, but yet not cold, which to me, is the perfect weather. I have my jacket just in case Danielle needs it. I imagine dresses are not the most insulating things in the world. Isn’t there something equally attractive and insulating as a dress? Evidently not. 

Eventually, we come out to a dead end where several hills are dressed in grass. 

“Where are we?” Danielle asks, as she looks around. 

I can tell she is excited, but if she isn’t, she has me fooled. 

“A spot that I’ve known for a while now. Beautiful, isn’t it?” I say. 

“Oh, yes! Wonderful!”

We get out of the car as I grab the blanket I have in the back and head to the top of one of the large mounds. I look into the night sky, and it’s speckled with both bright and faint stars. Many more than I usually notice. Probably because we are out of the city and they’re not eclipsed by the lights there. The moon dangles in the sky�"not its most astounding of appearances I must admit. 

We spread the blanket out on the cool ground, and both of us plop down, looking up. The chirping of bugs around us fill the air, and the periodic lightening bug shows up to entertain us for a few seconds. A quiet and peaceful night. 

“Have you ever wondered how many stars are in the sky?” She asks. 

It is a question that I often wonder, but I know no one could ever really be sure. 

“Of course I’ve wondered. But even if we were able to count all the stars we can see, we would only be seeing a fraction of the stars in the universe. We are only one insignificant galaxy in the midst of an ocean of galaxies.”

She looks at me with a curiosity that almost seems a bit sad. I can tell she is let down by the idea that we can never know how many stars are up there. 

“Doesn’t it bother you that there are things that we will never know?” She asks. 

“Yes, it does bother me. But what can I possibly do about it?” 

“Do you believe there’s a god?” 

“I don’t know anymore. I mean, I used to, but things have changed since then,” I say. 

“Like?”

“Like the passing of my wife.”

She can tell the assertiveness in my voice, and decide to back off. I can feel the pain of depression seeping in through the pours of my memory. I’ve been trying the best I can to get over it, but I can’t. How she departed, and the future we had planned. Danielle knows what happened, but she certainly doesn’t know what I feel. 

She hasn’t tried to rush things, and that’s okay with me. 

Instead of telling Danielle what I really feel, I’ve been letting life take me over since that day a few months ago. In fact, I can’t remember how I ended up with Danielle. Friends setting me up with random women in an attempt to wash away the fresh memories of the girl I truly loved. 

But I love Danielle too, I think. She’s been nothing but amazing to me, but sometimes I feel like that isn’t enough. 

“Well tell me about her, did she believe in god?”

“That’s a good question. I don’t know if you would call it ‘god’ or not. She believed in everything. She believed in a flat earth as well as a round earth. She believed in the right to have an abortion, but also in the infant’s right to live. She believed that Pepsi was better than Coke, but that Coke tasted better than Pepsi. A free spirit. Someone that believed in Santa Claus, but thought it ridiculous to expect gifts from him. She believed in elves, and that it was their magic that made our tires go flat, but also thought mythology was absurd. She believed in time travel and an infinite universe, but also believed in Solipsism. She believed someone could jump to the moon if they tried hard enough, and believed in the boogeyman. She believed that the world would eventually be taken over by tiny women that came from a distant universe. She believed our planet was a blueberry that fell off a giant bush that is stuck in purgatory. She believed in the devil, and that he wore lipstick. She believed in Martians and that they rode unicycles to work each day, and the reason we never see them is because they wore invisibility clothes. And she believed that when you die, you’re dead, but that you also turn into a star. She believed that when you saw a shooting star, it represented someone that had passed that meant the world to you. And that that shooting star represented closure�"that someone was free to continue their life, void of grief.”

I stare up into the sky waiting for something to catch my eye, but nothing does. Not yet. Tears flow from Danielle’s eyes as diamonds tumbling down a cliff. 

“Something interesting though, she never told me what she believed about ‘love’.” 

I grab Danielle’s hand as she rests her head on my shoulder. I keep my eyes on the stars, and a faint streak out of the corner of my eye appears. A shooting star. 

I smile.

“I guess it is something even she didn’t care to believe in.”

Reviews

[Klo Willow]

Since there are few things that I found problematic, that is where I'll begin.

Minor Typos:
1.) but it’s only a one month celebration"it’s not that special of an occasion.
2.) The moon dangles in the sky"not its most astounding

Minor Grammar Error
1.) She can tell the assertiveness in my voice, and decide to back off

Should be "decides" rather than "decide".

Reverse Meaning from the Intent
1.) Isn’t there something equally attractive and insulating as a dress?

If I am correct, this was meant to describe the possibility of something that is beautiful and warm, but this states something beautiful, but still lacking in warmth which leads straight back to the dress.

So it should read: "Isn't there something equally attractive, but more insulating than a dress?"

With that aside and done, I would love to dive into the incredibly satisfying ending. Though the characters are new to the reader, they are striking and real. The concluding concepts introduced in his explanation riddled with paradoxes as he describes his passed wife's perspective is absurdly charming. Beautiful simile such as "Tears flow from Danielle's eyes as diamonds tumbling down a cliff" add to the poignancy of it all.

Stunning.

[Alan B.]

Interesting existential take on love.