The Moment We Realized the Meaning of Pain

A Chapter by thewriter227

8 days after Derek's death, Christopher and Mary try to find themselves once more.

The Moment I realized the meaning of pain

----Mary & Christopher;

Derek,

I do not know what to do without you.

Mary

-------------------------------------------------------❤

The paleness in Mary’s skin did not rinse away from that day. Not only had she lost this boy who she thought she cared for deeply, who had been in her life for years, who claimed to have known the ins and outs of her, but she literally lost a piece of her soul for her light was no where to be found.

The room was still grey, and she was still cold just like the window that portrayed ongoing rain. Christopher stood outside Derek’s room watching her, wondering what he could do to help. Nothing came to him. He knew why. A part of him was hurting too. Not because his best friend had died 8 days ago, not because he could feel Mary emotionally fade away, but because before his very eyes he watched his child slip into another world a world that he was forbidden to enter.

Had he been careless? He should have taken more control of the situation, he should have read more books, he should have prepared for the possibility that this might happen, he should have just talked to Mary about what she was going through, he should have just… but he couldn’t. Everything was lost now, even the tunnels he took to find comfort within Mary’s mind.

Christopher had come to the conclusion that he could not help Mary because he had no idea how he could help himself. He had never felt this unsure before. Even after his mother passed away he knew that he had a purpose. Now, everything seemed so unclear.

His instinct told him to get Mary a plate of food for she had not eaten in days. Then again he hadn’t seen a single grain of salt, tasted the bitterness in butter, or experienced the nutrition of a good meal. How could he possibly find the strength to help his other half?

It wasn’t just that though. He couldn’t watch her anymore. Her physical appearance was fading before his eyes, she was famished, immobile, sickly, ghostly… and he just couldn’t watch another person that he loved… die. Because deep down Christopher always knew that there was something worse than death.

People always say that when someone dies you experience this sort of pain this sharp, breath taking, rush of energy that swoops into your throat and sucks the life out of you. What’s even worse is that it happens in mere seconds. Its as if you don’t even know what hit you but all of a sudden you find that your eyes are bleeding, it is suddenly hard for you to catch your breath, your legs are week and you fall not only physically but emotionally.

You see the thing about death is that from the moment we are born some natural part of the mind has prepared us for the moment that we depart this cruel, vast world. The inner core of our being tells us at the start of birth. We know it is going to happen, that one day we will all die. Sometimes people forget that it is a mercy that before this last moment in our life happens; before we die we are given the chance to get used to the idea of death. What is death? We see it happen everyday in every which way. One would think that because we sit our whole lives preparing for death, preparing for this pain it will be the most painful moment in our lives.

But as Christopher watched Mary he realized that it is not true. It is what we don’t prepare for that causes us the most pain. No one ever told Christopher that watching the one person that you love spiritually wither away would hurt more than the death of his best friend, even more than the death of his child. Why? Because even though Derek was gone, even though his baby boy was in another world they were dead, permanently dead. Mary was not. Mary was still right there in front of him. Yes, the idea of someone leaving your life but still some how lingering around in the world without you was worse. No one tells you what its like when you love someone so much and then one day they decide to check out, to walk out the door, to exist without you. That was the worst kind of pain. Because this pain haunts you.

Christopher could not experience it anymore for the sight was deteriorating his health. So he picked himself up and walked away from the one he loved, the one he could not help, the one he entrusted his life with, the one who chose to slowly fade away into the nothingness of her mind seeking comfort in dark places that he would never be able to find. That deep down he knew he didn’t have the strength to find.

Even though Mary was staring at the rain, counting as each drop hit the leaves, the trees, the grass, giving life and sustenance to the world in which she lived she could feel Christopher’s sudden absence. It bothered her greatly and for a second she didn’t know what to do. It was in this moment that pain some how escaped her and she felt a new sudden urge to find him. It wasn’t to hold him or comfort him, to touch him or feel him within the depths of her skin. No all she wanted to do was keep him in her circumference so that even when she felt alone she knew deep down in her core she wasn’t alone.

Strength brought her to her purse by Derek’s bed, the bed that he died in, the bed that she shared his last moment with him in and within that movement, she used the pain of remembering his life to aid her in reaching down into her purse and grabbing Christopher’s IPod.

Clutching the silver, sleek, nano Mary floated back to her window. There was something about moving with this pain inside of her that made her feel alive like she could feel again. Maybe it was the idea of the music coursing through her veins. Maybe it was the idea that there was a way out. Mary didn’t know, nor did she want to figure it out.

She sat on the window ledge once more her eyes returned to the window of life with the bright sun beaming, stretching its arms out to aid the people that still lived with in the perimeter of this world we called earth. She pressed a button, any button without looking at the Ipod. Her eyes were now glued to nature, but Christopher was with her once more.

“bam ba dam da dam dam” the Piano played a soft melody that brought a smile to Mary’s face. She didn’t know why she smiled. In fact, the last thing she ever wanted to do was smile. But it was like the keys of G and C combined to form a perfect harmony took over the muscles of her mouth and forced her to smile.

“Hmmmm, Hmmmm. Bam” Christopher did not move. But he listened. He let the music soak into his skin. He let the music give him the nutrients that food could not.

“Hmmm, baa baa da dam, baa baa da dam, hmmm, hmmm, hmmmmmmm” the longing that each stroke of this bow, on this cello that both Christopher and Mary had never seen in their lives awakened them from this sorrow.

“ba, ba ba ba ba, ba ba, ba, ba-“ Christopher could feel it now. A sudden happiness, this muscle movement, this smile that had randomly appeared on his face and he liked it, in fact he wanted to jump up and share it with Mary. Mary was way passed this expression. For the first time in 8 days she let herself cry, cry really hard, let it all out, all of it, some sort of free release. She didn’t care if her sounds were horrifying, more horrifying than they were when Derek was passing, no, because this time was different. This time she allowed herself to experience this new form of cathartic release! This time she was freeing herself.

Christopher got up. He didn’t know why but he suddenly had the strength to get up, to move, to find himself. He followed her cries, not because he wanted to hold her or because he wanted to make them go away. He knew that she had to experience this.

“Bam! Ba Ba Bam! Ba Ba Bam!” C major fortuitously banged against strings. Mary pulled her legs into her chest and began to shake back and forth.

“Christopher do you see it?! Look!” Christopher sunk to his knees. He leaned over the window sill and stared out the window. A smile appeared on his face once more, and at that exact moment Mary’s cries became giggles.

“Ba ba ba dam ba ba ba dam ba ba ba dam”

“Derek,” She picked up her hand and she waved at this image of nothingness. Mary thought she was seeing Derek. Mary thought, that before her eyes Derek stood and as he stood he was waving back at her, smiling down upon her being setting her free. Because in movie’s that is what they tell us happens. A ghostly image comes to comfort your sorrows. But deep down, Christopher and Mary knew what was really happening.

Mary wasn’t seeing Derek, Mary was feeling Derek. Not only had the music led Derek to her, but it led her back to Christopher. Mary and Christopher both realized that they had a long road ahead of them. But now something had changed. They understood that pain was okay, that pain happened no matter what the circumstance was even death. Maybe music had freed them, and maybe they weren’t really free, and maybe Mary was seeing Derek, and Christopher was experiencing real pain for the first time, and maybe, just maybe everything was going to be okay.