Chapter 8

“Today’s mass, we will be examining Romans 1:27, Leviticus 18:22 and Deuteronomy 23:18. To those of you unacquainted with these books, we will be discussing the immoral consequences that come with the disease of homosexuality.”

 

The last word echoed against the walls of the church and there was a dark hush that blanketed everyone. It was a taboo topic but no one was surprised that Uncle Howard had brought it up. Around me, I heard the rumors of Jude and a ripple of mourning splashed upon me. Jude hadn’t deserved this.

 

Jude had been an active church member, his exuberant personality combined with that quirky sense of pride made him a brilliant youth group leader and I missed him. We were friends. But he wasn’t like everyone else. Maybe it was me, who had noticed first, but I would blame that more on my own set of pride and conceitedness. He was different. Those somber eyes protruded from his sheet pale face, Jude was a malnourished angel at best except he could turn any pessimist to an optimist. There wasn’t a smile without Jude’s face behind it.

 

That’s why his suicide shocked most of us.

 

But if only all tragedies could end at the death of the character, no, Jude’s entire life was uncovered and it became the center of much examination and scrutiny. No, a dead man couldn’t stay dead for too long. According to the police reports it was a suicide, ready with the suicide note that entailed of his hidden homosexuality. It was written with a steady hand, describing of how he was wrought with sin and guilt; that he could no longer live in such fault.

 

We all saw a very different story.

There were the police sirens that filled the tensed air at Asher’s house. What was supposed to be a suicide had suddenly turned into another suspicion and stunned us to see Uncle Howard taken away. He was suspected of murder. Questions bounced from church goer to church goer but by the end of the police investigation, everyone had agreed that it wasn’t Uncle Howard who was guilty, for he was surely innocent, and instead it was Jude to be blame. Jude and his homosexual demons brought an innocent man under guilty pretenses.

 

I bit my lip. It was an entirely different story in my mind and I found myself unable to focus. The lies that filled the church cried louder than any message of God that we were all supposedly waiting for. Only obligation chained me here, and I did not wish to remain a moment longer.

 

 

Church was over and we were home once again. My mother and father left to help Aunt Ana in some church function. They were members of the neighborhood committee; there were appearances to keep up and faces to maintain. The girls went with them and Brandon and I are left alone in the house. I walked upstairs with Brandon trailing behind me. His room is next to mine, the bathroom across the hall and as we near our rooms the sound of rough grunts filled both of our ears. S**t.

 

I knew who was in my room. I knew what they were doing yet I still opened the door, fully aware that Brandon was standing behind me but I knew that he knew already. There were no secrets in those few precious moments except it was the knowledge that he would do something, that Brandon would muster the courage I didn’t possess, that he would tell someone and that transferred the blame to solely me.

 

I opened the door and we saw them both. David’s strong arms stroked the delicate blonde strands of Asher’s head while Asher clutched at his hips; the encouragement provided by the thrusting motions did not go ignored. He was at his knees in pleasure and we all froze at the erotic innuendoes that hung in the air. Timidly I met David’s eyes; the piercing steel irises stared at me with their own daring expression. They commanded me and like a soldier of war I suddenly acted upon instinct, I shoved Brandon aside and slammed the door closed.

 

“F**k. I’m sorry, Zane. I didn’t think you’d be home so early.” Asher wiped his lips; a blush thoroughly brushed his cheeks. He looked embarrassed and flustered; his flawless white skin turned a beautiful reddish pink. David smirked; his condescending attitude was starting to piss me off. Yet, the look of dominance affected me. My demons, though, begged for Asher.

 

“What are you doing here,” I hissed as my demons screamed.

 

“I love you, Zane. I couldn’t leave without at least telling you,” there was such resolution to Asher’s words and the determined look that reflected in his eyes killed the hope that had grown inside of me. I had waited so long for those words, for his love. I had begged my love to disappear. I had begged for the sins to stop. But I had longed those words from him, I had longed for him to love me. It was bitterly ironic. He could only tell me that he loved me as he was leaving me.

 

“Wait, you’re leaving?” There was desperation in my voice, I knew there was. David said nothing, his silence were the only lines in the soap opera unraveling before us.

 

“I’m leaving with David tomorrow night. I love him, Zane, and I want to be with him forever but I don’t think forever is going to happen with our family. Don’t worry, we’ll be fine. David has family up in Iowa.”

 

They were going to run away to their own happily ever after. No, he couldn’t leave. He couldn’t love David. Years of repressed tears that had been dammed behind my eyes were falling, I knew they were.

 

“Don’t leave,” a silent please hung at the end of the phrase. I wanted to embrace him and hold him so I could tell him that he didn’t need David. That he had me. I loved him so much.

 

But none of those corny thoughts, those true thoughts escaped my lips. Asher was going to leave everyone behind; he was going to leave me behind. David tugged at his shirt and I watched as they departed. It hurt to almost know that I would never see him again. I wanted to do everything in my power to stop him. Thoughts of murder crossed my mind but as my window shut and I realized that once again I was left alone, I collapsed.

 

I cried as if I would never cry again. The door opened and Brandon briskly walked over to me, his protective body curled against mine. I didn’t bother hiding the tears that had fallen without obstacle. My voice was shaky and I doubt that even Brandon could decipher the words that fell from my lips.

 

“H-He-e l-e-eavving,” it’s all broken by the hiccups that my hysteria has managed to release but somehow he understood me.

 

“The f*g is leaving with his boyfriend, isn’t he?” Brandon’s voice held no sympathy for them but he gripped my shoulders so that he could pull me into a tight hug. “Don’t think about them, Zane. He’s a sinner, they both are, and God will see to him.”

 

His belief is so much stronger than mine. For a moment I almost want to agree, to accept what he has accepted. For a moment I wanted to believe in God so that maybe the hope that followed his rule would be endowed upon me. I wanted to believe in love and hope. I wanted it so badly. But then I remembered that I, myself, was a sinner. Who was I to speak?

 

Brandon comforted me, reminding me to let of Asher. He told me that Asher was no a person; he was an abomination. I was reminded of mass and church and god, of how we defied them so in our mistakes and sin. It didn’t matter than that it was still quite early, I felt so weighed down by the day’s events. I wanted to close my eyes, to have everything erased from my sight and mind. Before long, I had fallen into the personal relief of sleep.