Chapter 5

I remembered Asher and me under a neon blue sky. That’s what we had called it, the neon blue sky when the sky was emptied of all its clouds and worries and the sun would shine its brightest so that the sky would be left so bright. It was neon blue, the sky. We were so carefree under that blue sky.

 

“What do you see, Zane, when you look up at the sky?” Asher asked me with a casual shrug but there was something heavy in his voice.

 

“I don’t know, I guess I just see the sky,” I said with a laugh. This was before I had discovered my major sin, my major flaw. I hadn’t fallen for him, yet.

 

“What’s wrong?” Asher didn’t respond and his silence worried me, it was so easy to talk to him.

 

“She said that I didn’t see the whole picture,” I felt him shift next to me. His words held a sadness that I couldn’t identify with. All I recognized was the need to console him as he continued in his tragedy, “Emily told me that I’m like the rest of our stupid family. That I can’t see past what they say. She left me, Zane, because I wasn’t enough for her. She said that she deserved more.”

 

He didn’t cry, but he didn’t have to. I leaned over and held him while I apologized for her. I apologized for his sadness, for the silent tears we shared and for love’s cruelty.

 

Looking back, I think that was when I fell for Asher. The physical lust came so much later but it was that one moment under the neon blue sky and his invisible tears that I felt my heart stolen from me. It was that person I had seen, the person so fallen from love and hope who had ran into romance instead of walking. It was the person who believed in love. It was like, in order to console him I had to become what he had been. I had to become the boy of invisible tears. I had to become the one so fallen from love.

 

But my body was so weary from love and sin. I was tired. I didn’t know if I could love, if I wanted to. I didn’t know if I could sin any longer. I longed to forget the memories and my fingers begin to trace the drawers of the bathroom, seeking my temporary escape. I staggered against the door of the drawer; my eyes surveyed the darkness for the familiar glint.

 

The metal of the razor peeped out from the beige towel that hid it. My fingers itched in anticipation but my heart sped in shame of my actions. I had never thought I would be pulled into such a habit, but then I was never supposed to love. At the mention of love, I thought my demons would come out to play. But my demons stayed silent through the entire ordeal. They even had the decency to not distract me in my ministrations.

 

I just wanted to forget. My hand clutched the handle of the razor and the common hesitance gripped me as it had the first time. I was brought back into the memories of Asher and me.

 

The park was crowded that Saturday when the carnival was in town and the air was filled with mystics and magic. It had been weeks since Emily had separated from Asher. We found ourselves alone amongst the couples but it didn’t seem as if he was bothered by it.

 

I just wanted to be in his presence.

 

Sweet cotton candy stained his fingers and there was a glow of happiness that embraced his features, I think I was happy then. Or I was until I caught the look in his eyes as they followed an auburn haired girl in the heavy crowd. She leaned against an athletic guy whose arms supported her. There was a loving look in both of their eyes.

 

I didn’t have to guess. She was Emily and he was still in love with her. It hurt to admit it especially when all I wanted was him to love me. But reality was there, and reality had already shown me that we would never be together.

 

I wanted to forget the facts. And I did as the thin metal slid across my fragile skin, the slender cuts sent sharp pangs of pain through me. I sat back against the toilet, my body buzzed in pain and I found myself sent to another kind of sanctuary. I struggled to turn the shower on, watching the water beat against the bottom of the red tear stained tub.