Chapter 2

My quickly icing heart was kept warm by the warring demons from within me. Their fires boiled beneath my skin. They raged to be released. They had been buried for so long and their sinful skins could not touch me. They couldn't influence me, I hoped. My mind had fought against those bodies wrapped in the flames of desire which had created a fire that brewed inside of me. Those demons, these thoughts, they ran rampant.

 

Except, I guess that demon is just another word for love. But what was this love? This love for him, for Asher. No, it couldn't be love�"it couldn't be like the love he claimed, accepted from another�"

 

No, I refused to have such a thing, such a sin inside of me. It infected my soul, my being. I was not like him, I was not. I was�"who was I now? I wasn't the same Zane, the same oblivious Zane who had never even noticed the disease in Asher. I wasn't him anymore. But remember; remember for we were both so different now. But could I stare into those amber eyes and simply say the lies that would inevitably pass my lips? Could I pretend for a while longer? Could I say that I was still Zane, and he was still Asher and that everything would be fine?

 

Fine? Such a lie. He was a lie. Was this God's punishment for me? For my impure thoughts, for my constant sinning and absent repentance? This anger towards him burned inside of me and my demons drank this fuel, spitting into the fire that raged ever harder.

 

The warmth of his hand scorched my shoulder, vaporizing my thoughts for a precious second but I flinched, pulling back away from him. There was a hesitance between us. “Don't tell anyone Zane,” his voice wavered with self-doubt and concern. The fire grew at the sound of that voice, of that sin and my body trembled betraying me.

 

No.

 

I wanted to return home, to my sanctuary rid of him where I could bury my demons in a pain, a red pain, the extinguisher that had begun to consume my lifestyle. But I knew that my body yearned for a different resolution. It pleaded, begged for the sinful release. It screamed for a pleasure that knew only his name. My body knew only of Asher. I wanted to be gone from here, anywhere but here. Anywhere but near him.

 

I wanted him.

 

“I'm glad I told you Zane,” he smiled. I smiled back as I held my facade, clutching it with a guilty conscience. Such a lie, just another mask I wore to hide those secrets. I hated this. I hated how the burning inside of me would forever brand me a sinner. Suddenly I was doused in such an epiphany of guilt, why had he confided in me? Why was I chosen?

 

Had I not kept my secrets, my demons hidden and were my own sins not a victimless crime? Cruel was God for striking his wrath upon me. Cruel was he for showing me a temptation that he knew I could not resist. I knew of the fire inside of me, but it had been set aflame in a whole new definition for my demons were done with their games of hide and seek. Asher’s secret had been their declaration of war and that they were done with being hidden. They were simply done.

 

“I have to show you someone,” Asher's voice was laced with a relief that I could not mirror. I walked with an awkwardness that I had never found before. The snow curled around our shoulders, no longer a mistress of unpleasantness, instead a soft spoken guide who filled the scenery with a breathtaking beauty.

 

We entered Asher’s house with an unspoken numbness. No one was home; no one ever was. The eerie stillness of the house was even colder than the outside world. It was a mentality that gripped you as you entered the loneliness, there wasn’t the feeling of family in the house and I froze at that feeling. It was even more menacing than the snow. Every time I was here I would be reminded of my own home, of the warm family that awaited me. I was reminded of how different our families were. But we had always been so different. He was Asher and I was Zane and we were two sides of a coin. I realized, as if this was the first time for it was not, that we were alone. I could hear my demons calling, their battle cries crashing against my reddening ears. They wanted him; I wanted him.

 

Except there was someone else, an enemy my demons whispered into my ear. He towered over us, as if the superior smirk that graced his lips hadn’t already established that, and there was an exotic spark in his narrow eyes that were obscured with a dark force. Those pale irises were clouded with something that I would not admit, I would not say. But he stared with those gray eyes, those sinning eyes glazed with arousal at Asher, at my Asher.

 

I had already grasped the truth before the words came. My demons were shrieking. I was silently shrieking in my own agony. The truth was a painting I could not face yet I heard the words I had been dreading nevertheless.

 

“This is my boyfriend,” Asher sheepishly with his face in full blush. I was not sure of my expression. I wasn’t even sure of what was happening. I could watch as this stranger, this enemy approached Asher with such leisure and familiarity to hold him and whisper into his ear. I could not ask for any greater of a punishment.

 

“I think you’re overwhelming him, babe.” I glared at his lecherous arms as they wrapped themselves around Asher’s waist, scrutinizing the soft pink tongue passing through thin lips to lick a pale ear. It was so gay. I hated them.

 

My demons turned at the entire scene, their blood lust set fire to my skin. The white hot pain was nothing, nothing compared to this, this pain that enveloped my soul. I wanted to die; I was so sure I would in that very moment. But still, the fire raged inside of me. The years of attractions, of buried sins, fueled this great entity of pain.

 

What had I done to deserve this? Why was I chosen? Because Asher had chosen me suddenly my life was becoming. My mind was becoming unraveled and my sanity was slipping. It seemed that I could no longer control my own thoughts, that my demons had taken reign. These embers of desire had always filled my soul with their sins but now a fire had begun and it would never cease. I could only beg for it to be gone. I could only wish for my love to die.

 

“I’ll get us some drinks,” Asher announced as I say there withering in silent pain. It was an awkward phrase, an attempt to break the silence that blanketed the room. We were uncomfortable and there was no hiding how the uneasiness engulfed our voices. I found myself unable to look at either of them, too afraid of my own reactions. I glanced around the living room, the well-acquainted furniture offered now advice.

 

Asher’s family would best be described as the high middle class but that was just another label to call a homeless home a home where the parents were never there, always at work. It was another title to give a child, stranded at home for hours alone, a sense of kinship. But they were working people, church-going people like my own family.

 

A wave of nausea tore a tsunami through me, I suddenly felt claustrophobic. The thought of family was always preceded by the thought of morals, and the guiltiness grew inside of me. I could not survive another moment here. It would be another moment in temptation’s view, another second with sin. I heard Asher rustling in the kitchen, the clinking of glass echoed in the empty house with its silent visitors.

 

I imagined him standing there in the familiar kitchen; his short frame struggled with the high shelves. His agile body would lean against the cold, stone countertop and his blonde hair would fall lightly into his eyes. Those determined tawny eyes would stare hard at the shelf, as if in the middle of duel. I had seen him in the kitchen a hundred times before. I had heard the sins whisper to me a hundred times.

 

“Maybe I should go check on him,” the deep baritone of the stranger’s voice broke our established silence and I was taken away from my day dreaming. His words formed such bitterness inside of me. I was left with a tart feeling, the sweet memories and bitter encounters.

 

Twenty minutes passed and I say in a lonely quietness. My patient had begun to grow antsy with impatience and curiosity. The kitchen was only fifteen paces away; it was only two minutes away. The dilemma of sitting alone was the plain contemplation that overtakes the boredom. The problem with sitting was that ever so slowly your demons would start to whisper their plans to you and you would start to listen. Without realizing it, you could be manipulated by your own loneliness. I heard as they told me their plans, as they confirmed my own urges.

 

I almost tripped as I stood, almost lost my nerve. I took long strides towards the kitchen in an almost rush and that was when I saw what I had been almost denying, almost not believing.

 

His hands wandered across a quivering body, Asher’s body, and a mutual pleasure was present in both their faces, strained with a certain ecstasy that I could only meet with an extreme jealousy. The two sets of similarly pale skin, complimented one another, fabricated their angelic forms of a glowing effect. I could not look away. Dried dark lips devoured one another; the hungry stifled moans appeared loud and wrong in the quiet, spotless kitchen. Hands grasped for clothed skin, grasping for the hidden wanting.

 

“Oh! God, D-David,” Asher’s voice stuttered, struggling for the correct vowels through the bliss.

 

Then he saw me, his eyes wide with concentration. Did he not expect me to see? Did he not expect me to witness such an act of intimacy that drove me into such a state of envy? Such an act against God? It was then that my demons resurfaced, their bodies twisting in obvious disgust. They did not agree with his actions, they did not agree with this David.

 

David, the devil’s real name. But then if they were performing such an act against God, would I not then be equally blameworthy? No, I would be an even greater abomination? I bit my lip, the sweet blood quenching my demons for the moment. The taste battled against my sour thoughts, my bitter urges. I did not know if I could continue surviving with such a tart pain, the sweet and bitter.

 

Their kisses had not stimulated the anticipated twinge of jealous and anger but instead it ignited a lust that claimed its frenzy through my veins. Would there be any sins left for me to commit? I felt the need, the wanting to be kissed by him. I felt the need to be this David, this monster who didn’t deserve Asher and his purity. I wanted his place. I wanted to feel the lips, the paradise.

 

Asher’s hands brushed at his lips while they pushed David away. “I’m sorry, I got distracted,” he glanced woefully over to David, whose demeanor spoke of no repentance. The phone rang before he could continue, before any of us could continue. “You two go back to the living room, I’ll meet you guys there.”