A Day in the...Eh, Never Mind.

is the word "musings" overused?

It wasn't a particularly s****y day. 

But I lied when asked, the smell of liquor buffeting my face as a half-blank stare fixed upon me. It was one not unfocused enough that the owner could pretend he was more sober than I thought, if only he'd been able to hide the tell-tale hiccups.

And in this moment, my life's been reduced to a ridiculous play on Poe. 

But I know better now than to point out faults or share honest anger with a man whom, drunk or not, carries subconscious blinders for just such occasions. Because, when up against a wall cemented with brick after defensive brick, I've forgotten the original offense by the time I've gotten past each accusation, spat from a frightened tongue. 

The books lining my room tell me all the answers I need for why this is the go-to for any complaint I may put forth. But somehow the knowledge of how a mind works, its intricacies and coping mechanisms, only serves to shine a glare of helplessness on the situation. 

I get confused a lot. I know I think in dichotomous extremes: black-and-white with no room for  undefinable grey areas. Like a good student of psychology, I try to apply my self-awareness to the way I act when confronted with some perceived injustice from the man who shares my bed, located in a dark, airless room in a small rented house. But I always feel that, in my quest to know myself and to be fair to him, somehow he ends up with the free pass, which my murky brain will only discover later, when shaving my legs or making waffles. 

This isn't to say I'm not intelligent. I count sardonic wit and a talent for rapid emotional understanding among my most prized skills. I pick up psychological ideas with relative ease, which is a relief considering my career path. But I get confused most often when attempting to win an argument against a man similarly terrifying as my father was when I was a little girl.

Win. Against.

The tendency towards competition is not lost on me. How did this happen?

So, when he asked what was wrong, when the answer was so obviously that I'd come home from a long workday to find him drunk, that the dishes weren't done and dogs were hungry, that he'd charmingly appealed to me not to be "grumpy" after my moments of enraged panic alone in the house before he returned, 

I lied. 

Author's Note

How does it look in my brain?

Reviews

[spitballing]

It's interesting how it doesn't spell anything out to the reader. It assumes that the reader is already aware of everything and just states its mind. This makes it original and interesting, but obviously it's a bit hard to follow. Good over all.

[K. Payne]

I like this a lot. Your sentences make me feel like I'm travelling through a thinking person's brain with all the various examinations of herself, others, and things in general.