The Testament

I wrote this a little over a year ago and, while it really no longer applies to me, I have always been rather fond of it so I decided to post it.

I am a teenager
I am 17
going on 18
going on to the rest of my life
and they tell me
"it's the most important 4 years of your life"
high school
high school is the most important years of my life?
BAH!
how about that time in 7th grade
when I finally decided
that I could be like those guys
from the disney channel
and ask a girl on a date?
so I walked up
to that girl
in my second period english class
wearing my high waters
and a blink 182 shirt
I shook in my sketchers
and sat down next to her.
she looked over at me
and smiled,
unaware of the bombshell
I was about to release on her.
unaware of the tv drama
I was about to put into her life.
she smiled at me
and knocked the wind out of me
so I could not breathe.
the lack of oxygen reaching my lungs
caused my vision to blur
and legs and arms to tremble even further
so I could hardly balance
on that lunch table
and she looks at me with curiousity
as I am literally dying
I somehow manage to spray
out of my chapstick covered lips
"w-w-w-wwilll y-y-yyou g-g-go.."
oh no
my voice started to trail off
I was losing it
I was losing it!
no!
I had to finish
I had to press on!
"will you go out with me!"
it came out like a cannon
so loud and abrasive
that it could have lit a match
or shattered glass
and couldn't be distinguished
as a question
or a declarative statement.

and then she quickly responded
"of course!"
and I had a heart attack and died.

Why wasn't that the most important year of my life?
huh?
Mom and dad?
Why wasn't the time
that I met my best friend in first grade
the most important year of my life?
they tell me to work harder
work
work
work
I CAN'T WORK MOM AND DAD
I CAN'T DO IT
I CAN SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS
AT THE WORLD
THAT I AM NOT CAPABLE OF PUSHING TO THAT POINT
I'D RATHER DIE IN A RATHOLE
HOBO BOX
THAN PUSH MYSELF ANY FARTHER RIGHT NOW!

This is a Testament.
This is my Testament
that anyone who is to follow in my path
follow in my footsteps
should know that
I will live and die
being goddamn proud of the fact
that the most important years of my life
were the ones I spent alive and well
the one's without yelling and violence
without anger
the one's where I held my girlfriend in a sunny field
the one's where I had not a care in the world
and those years, as scattered as they may be
will forever triumph those four years I spent
that I am spending
trapped in my room
reading about Biology.