Last First Day

It’s on days like this
Where there’s no day at all
The first Monday of your last week
Because tomorrow
Will have been 7 days since you left
And I can only assume
I can only hope
This ghost of you
The grievance it carry’s around my house
The weight of its hands upon my shoulders
I can only wish it farewell
Because though I love for you to be around
I can’t have you like this
Not in sleepless hours
And fevered dreams
I can’t have you like this
In the back of the Uber on my way home
A bottle of red wine floating about inside my belly
8 tries until I can get into my phone
Try again in 15 minutes
So what do you want to do in the meantime

Mean time

Angry minutes

Putting my head on your shoulder
Seeing only my cranked neck in the rear view
Lonely
Wanting to send you a text message
To let you know that you’re dead
How sudden, we would gush
Taken too soon you might add
But I don’t have that
My calls being sent straight to your voice
A short recorded message
This time I take a video of it
I know better from the past of unpaid cell phone bills
Deceased family
So maybe when I’m alone
Or too drunk to see past myself
I can play that video
Hear your name
Asking me to leave a message
And I can talk into the wind
Or the stale air of my room
And I can tell you all the things I forgot to say when you sat next to me
I can say that I love you
I can say it with my chest
Not the nasal of my throat
I could scream it if I wanted to
And I do want to
I want to scream until my voice runs dry
And I can’t speak another word
To anyone ever again
Give you the last vowel I had
I want to hold your hand
Under the humid sun
And I want to just watch you watch the day
Watch the way the sun sinks into herself
The moon saying hello
I want to see you see the earth move
In the only way she knows how
Cyclical
Precise and the same
I want to view us viewing something spectacular
Almost magical
For the last time
Wondering how it might of felt the first time
To see such magic
Before we took it for granted
Before I tied curtains shut
And blacked out my blinds
There are so many minutes
I wish I could ask back
So many conversations I could have delayed the ending of
I could have learned more
Known more
But I fear I can be selfish in that way
In my own reclusion
In my own need of subtle refugee from tones and talkings
My desire to be alone

Until I’m alone

And it’s no longer an option
Except a terrible sentence
Ruled out by the wickedest of judges
The cruelest of courts
Until I’m forced to sit with myself
And remember others
Until I’m forced to sit with myself
And realize I wasn’t all there was

On this last first day without you

Author's Note

Picture - “Depression” by Albina Sergeeva

Reviews

[Lisasview]

Good morning,
First read of yours... Not sure I would call this a poem.. more like a story..
So so sad...reminds me of when I was young and unhappy in a relationship.
There are so many good lines in your words...
Pretty depressing to say the least.
Reminds me of a poem I wrote in 1970... I was 22...called Cry
I think you might like it...
Lisa, morning in Spain

[The Things She Noted]

Thank you so much for your feedback, Lisa! I read your poem, it was beautifully heart wrenching

[Lisasview]

You are very welcome.
I am glad you read my poem but I do not see a review?
Review are always appreciated
All my best from Spain, Lisa

[Lisasview]

Hi again,
I can not find your review?
Lisa

[Richard Knox]

This is a very moving, sad poem, with many poetic lines full of vivid images and striking word combinations that both contradict and reinforce each at her at once. Very well done.