My first regret

Was wondering about usual "edgy" teenager things and decided to revisit my first ever regret.

Most say that one should not dwell on regrets or the past and just move forward, even though regrets make us who we are today. It’s a nice idea and I am sure it makes sense in the world of ideas but in the world we live in, practice is different from theory. I dwell on my regrets way too much. Most likely because I have way too many of them and it can be hard to ignore them completely and just safely move on to the pleasant and warm future. I know that making mistakes as a human being is normal, even greatest writers say things like: “By seeking and blundering we learn.” But just like you don’t forget certain lessons in life, I can’t seem to forget all the regrets and mistakes.

Whenever I think about my regrets, a vivid one appears in front of my eyes. In school I wasn’t the popular kid, I had many rolls like being a clown, the weird one, the one that cried a lot. Finding friends when all you do were those three was fairly hard. When I was in fifth grade, I remember seeing these two boys, both short in height, dark hair, glistening eyes, smart and funny.  They were the two friends that always did everything together, even though they didn’t really match well. I remember them fighting more times than I can count but in the end they would always remain friends, laughing and having fun in a place like school. One of the two boys was David. He was an interesting person, mainly because he always knew how to create conversation. He had social skills like very few people do. If anything it was his talent to make friends.

David had these wonderful blue eyes, his eyes would always be so bright and yet dark at the same time. As if laws of physics bend to his will. I remember sometimes glancing over to him when we were in class, he would always sit in the front of the class and me in the back. But the moment he would turn around, there would be me watching his face, focusing on his eyes and just starring. Most likely that was the reason not many wanted to be my friend, maybe I just starred at them way too much. Anyways, David and I didn’t talk too much, mainly because he would always be busy in his huge group of friends, hugging girls, playing games with boys. Though thankfully he would have time for me, just to talk and ask how I was and if I like the weather. He would always make my heart rush with those simple yet complicated questions. If someone asks about how I am feeling, I suddenly get anxious, nervous and afraid at the same time. Saying “fine” mostly means that you are not okay but you do not want to talk about it, saying “great” might be an exaggeration. Who really is great while being at school? Saying “bad” would bring pity and it might ruin the mood of other people and a simple “okay” is way too boring and not a very good conversation starter. Even then I worried if people will like me, but he seemed to at the very least don’t mind my presence.

One time, my class had a school trip, I think it was to see a movie or something similar to that. After that it was the most anticipated time �" eating pizza. I remember groups of friends rushing to the largest tables because they wanted to sit together. I sat down at one of those big tables with people that didn’t seem to mind me, though then again, I don’t think they even noticed me being there. After a while of waiting for everyone to finish up eating, I remember looking around and seeing how one of the big groups of kids were emitting more noise than the others. I slowly got up and went to see what was going on and I saw David and his so called best friend fight. In school kid fashion, we all had to pay for our food together, so it included throwing our money on the table and letting someone count. According to others David stole a very small amount of money, that’s why there was an argument that caused quite a bit of noise. The teachers didn’t seem to notice, they were sipping wine, even though it was against the regulations but we didn’t really understand that at the time. I remember David saying that the money just got misplaced but most of the boys sided with the other popular kid and David was out of supporters. I shrugged it off and went back to my seat, calmly waiting for the trip to end.

On my lonely way home from the mall, which was about thirty minutes away from my home, David caught up to me, tapped me on the shoulder and smiled once I turned around. He asked if I wanted company and I didn’t object, though I can’t say I fully agreed, most likely I was swimming in his blue eyes or enjoying the sunshine that his perfect white teeth provided. We started walking together and he was chatting quite a bit, complaining about the argument with his friends and how he felt. A few wrong turns later, I started chatting back, supporting him in his time of need, even though his problems were just a few misplaced pennies. I think that’s how I friendship started.

I and David would start talking on the phone, texting each other quite a lot. Every single morning we would meet up somewhere and walk to school together, discussing books, comics, games and that one TV show we would watch every single evening at nine o’clock. Others classmates didn’t really approve of our friendship. They would say that I was friends with a liar and that I shouldn’t be even talking to David. To me David was the closes example of a friend I ever had. In school we would sit together and in boring lessons we would play stupid games on paper, talk about the others and make fun of the pictures in biology books. Even after fifth grade ending, I and David would spend every single day on the summer holidays together. Waking up at ten, going outside at twelve and dragging my feet back at nine or ten in the evening. I remember times were we would just sit in the empty playground and listen to music, sing a long or kick around the sand while dancing like idiots.      

When sixth grade started we would spend almost every single moment together. We got the same marks, had inside jokes and we didn’t really need any other friends, we had each other and that was enough. Even the teachers called our friendship perfect. I remember our English teacher would laugh when I and David would run to the closest market to buy ice cream and then run back, sit in the lesson and slurp on delicious ice cream, even in winter time. I and David were truly perfect friends, we barely fought and if we did we would talk it out completely so there were no grudges, after school we would still text and do our homework together, sometimes even watch that one TV show that even my parents didn’t approve of.

Sadly this story is about regret and at the moment I don’t regret a single word said about David or the times we spent together. At the end of sixth grade and the summer holidays starting, David found out he was moving away from his current home to a new one and changing his school in the process. To me, that was the biggest blow of that year. I couldn’t imagine living even further away from David and not having him around in school. Frankly, I didn’t was to return to the lonely life at school, were barely few noticed my presence and when they did, they would laugh about it. David assured me that he can come by my home every single week on his bike and we could still hang out together. For the rest of the summer I was happy once more. I forgot about David moving away and we continued to have the best summer ever. Until the end of the summer I barely had time to be in home, I would be running about with David in the forest or sitting with him in a pizza place sharing a chocolate milkshake.

In August, there was no other way but to deal with the troubling issue of David moving away. The last two weeks of August we didn’t spend that much time together because of his parents wanting their son to help with moving, so most of our communicating was done via phone. I remember getting the text:

                     

Come by my house! Gonna be moving

away in a bit and wouldn’t want to miss

a chance of hugging you! <3

 

I remember freezing, a fear running all over my body and sweat starting to drop from my face. I was in shock. Few people understand that were I live, a man hugging a man, a man showing some kind of affection for another man, even in a hug is completely wrong. I remember my father saying how horrible and disgusting is a man that loves another man. For the first time I realized that maybe, just maybe I adored David way more than a friend and that maybe, just maybe he likes me more than just a friend. I got angry. I got angry and fueled by fear, remembering the word of my parents and I typed a horribly long and disgusting text to David. A text that was full of anger, sadness, regret, stupidity. I cried afterwards, but saying something, apologizing was somehow not an option. I couldn’t face David anymore.

I carried the sharp pain of betraying someone in my heart for those two weeks, barely looking at my phone as there was an unread message from David and I couldn’t bring myself to read it. Maybe he didn’t say anything bad, maybe he just shrugged it off because he knew I wouldn’t say such things. But I just couldn’t face him anymore. Few months went by, I still hadn’t looked at that unread message, mainly because without him, no one wrote to me anymore, my phone was silent and there was no dancing in the playground. I only found the courage after the first semester ended, it took me six months to find the courage to read that dammed message. Maybe my regret is that I read it. It said: “I can’t believe this is you.” Five simple words said more than enough. A sharp pain went through my heart. My veins felt as if they will pop. My eyes started watering.

Time passed. Now I was in high school, my last year of being in school before I start to make my life my own. I remember we were called to the auditorium for a presentation about exams, I sat down in the back of the big room and started looking around, yawning and barely keeping my focus. Then I saw them. Glistening blue eyes that reminded me of the ocean. I looked eyes with him and I once again felt the sharp pain in my heart. My eyes started watering. I had enough of the presentation.