dear dad

an open ended letter to my dad he will never read

Dear Dad,  

Just know that I love you no matter what, no matter how much it seems to hurt me in the end. Trust me when I say that not all memories were bad. But the bad ones immediately fill my head when fear rises. I'm sorry recent events have drawn us apart. Hopefully we can move past our differences.

Let's start off to young me. I remember the man I would run to when he came home from work. You were like a superhero that nothing seemed to phase. It was up to be your little sidekick. And boy was it fun learning so many good bands or the random history fact. Even when I was down for the count from countless surgeries you were there stronger than steel. I knew you were my best friend because Hannah never really made efforts to get me, Mom was always busy with Hannah or giving me painful things to do like stretching. She was the one to take me to all appointments, so I guess my tiny brain painted her as the villain. Together we were invincible. Gradually time marched on, further and further did the childhood wonder tend to have rips in its veil of ignorance. 

We reach the awkward teenage discomfort. Honestly it wast easy for either of us. It was almost daunting. Either way it was bound to happen; the forces of Heaven and Earth couldn't stop it. That's when I met the friends that started to change me. I mean really change me. I wanted to change the beautiful name you gave me for one that fit what I thought was me. Anxieties kicked into overdrive. Anger rose faster than the bile the toilet made friends with. Constant fear causes nature to become aggressive. My friends became my sanctuary, I no longer spoke with my kingly advisory. Pain became the thing I wanted most following the pleas for death. a 2 hour conversation kept me on Earth, therapy and pills were supposed to fix me.

Soon the demon known as adulthood met me, took me by the hand and took me for a spin. I decided to flee the nest upon my own accord. Of course I would call once every few weeks, my visits would be almost invisible. Anger and fear of disappointing you made me not want to. My roommates notice the odd behaviors I have. Some say it's all in my head but something had to trigger it. I was afraid to poop in my own home, and every time I did, I would cry because of the fear I would anger them. We soon exchange the great words of wisdom of our elders. I spoke so highly, I even said he had us call him king the majority of my younger childhood years. This was not as funny to them. I began to stress clean when things got hard as if it was muscle memory.  I would tell stories of how I still had to ask permission to do certain things even at the age of 18. I laid awake one night and a light bulb clicked as I began to question EVERYTHING I had ever been taught. I learned my world should never revolve around someone other than me,myself, and I. I have control. My opinions are every bit as valid despite my young age. Superiority isn't a thing if respect balances the equation. Except I was a negative number, less than no matter what you added to me. 

Dad despite recent events I still love and respect you just because that's how I was trained. I hope someday I can be your little girl again. Time and dedication heals all wounds. 

Love,

A Very Caring Daughter