An Online Life

I sit here and think back to my life 5 years ago and think …BLAH. 

A full time teacher who worked at one of the lowest income schools of our district.  It was a small school and I was of the minority in the building.  I worked in that building from 7:45 am to 5 pm most days and then on game days I wouldn’t leave until almost 9 pm.  This kind of schedule, of course, didn’t leave much time for anything else.

I am definitely not a girl who likes to bar hop or go clubbing. I’ve always been pretty shy about talking to people I don’t know so even if I did go out I kept myself in the background.  The few friends I had were either from the singles group of my Sunday School Class or a few that stayed locally from college.  I was the wallflower that everyone remembers from school dances and yet I had graduated from school a couple of times already.

Lack of a life outside like so many others in their 20s wasn’t merely because I was so shy and busy.  I kept myself busy because of my own lack of self confidence in myself.  At school I knew who I was, I knew what I was doing.  I was damn good at my job all parts of it and will admit I absolutely loved working with all of those kids.  Outside of school I had no idea who I was.  I knew I was obese, I knew I had been raised to believe certain things about myself and how true ladies acted, I knew I wasn’t  happy with myself or my life.  So in all the hating of myself why not do what I loved doing as much as possible, so I kept busy at school with all the kids.

Going back to the beginning:

I grew up with a computer in my house and early on with the internet.  I loved the ability to research anything and everything I ever wanted.  I found boards and forums while in my early teens through prodigy and started my love of meeting knew people without fear of being judged because of how I look.  I made friends pretty quickly on the boards and loved seeing what they had to say.  These friends were all over the world; from Spain and Australia to right behind the church I attended every week.  I even met, in person, the one that lived so near just before my family moved from Chattanooga.

Moving away from everything I ever knew at the age of 17 was hard on me and the computer then became my life line to keep the friends I had for so long.  E-mail kept us all in touch and we still talked of everything normal teenage girls discuss; from boys to clothes, and school to parents being overbearing.   As the days and months passed my friends started having boyfriends and dating while my ugly obese self was sitting at home alone, studying so hard just to pass some of my more difficult classes.  End of junior year comes and I get emails from each of them elaborating on junior prom yet I couldn’t share anything because I was home with the family that night.  My only saving grace during the summer before my senior year was being a member of the marching band’s color guard and we had practice often, as well as my parents finally buying a house and moving into it.  Senior year started and progressed and the emails still came, now filled with details about dates and how much they loved this guy or that. Admittedly I was jealous but I never wanted anything but happiness for them, I just wanted a boyfriend of my own.

I made a few friends my senior year at school but still no one that I would consider close, even now I rarely hear from any of them, or they from me.  When prom season came about I thought the one thing that would make my senior experience good was that a group of us wanted to go to the prom together.  The one problem was they only sold the tickets in pairs and you had to give your date’s name.  I was supposed to share the price with my friend Nick, until my mother stepped in. (Mom was raised with so many Old South ideals and beliefs that she has pushed onto my life that I just don’t always understand.)  Finding out that Nick was a black boy had her telling me I could not go because “How would that look?”  I tried to explain we were merely friends but to her it was a date and she is against interracial relationships, so very old fashioned she was. I wasn’t allowed to go to my senior prom because of that, because of beliefs and ideals from the old days, those same beliefs and ideals that kept me in my own little box all my life.

Senior year ends just as dull as all the others and I get my first job, other than babysitting.  I’m so shy to begin with but working in the kids dept. made it a lot easier for me.  I loved meeting all of the children, and become more knowledgeable about my products (from clothes to video games) I became better at my job.  When I worked the boys clothes and video games I was just across the aisle from hardware and there were so many interesting guys that worked that dept. Slowly I became more comfortable talking to each of them and even formed my own little crushes on a few but nothing ever came of it. 

August came and college started.  I decided to live at home and attend the local college to save money, it didn’t hurt that it was also one of the best education departments in the state since that was my major.   The years now flow together because I worked full time and attended school full time all year round.  I remember in August of 98 my niece was born, and she became another part of my life. Life went on and I graduated May of 2000, got an apt with a friend, and still worked full time as well as applying for teaching jobs.  Those first 2 years of searching for a job I was afraid to spread my wings at all and stayed in the counties that mom wanted me to be in. After 2 years of substitute teaching and working afternoons in retail until November of 2001 I decided to spread my wings a bit and apply in some other local counties, that didn’t always have the best reputations.

August of 2002 I started teaching in Nashville and soon got my own apartment just south of there. Now I lived alone, had few friends still local and few friendly people in my apartment complex, so the computer became my link to people my age and accepting of me without seeing me.  During college I had played around on a site called Collegeclub but having graduated I was now too old for it so on to MySpace where my friends and I posted on each other’s pages and I would write stories and post them in my blog.  I posted a bit in the forums there, played a few of the games but still didn’t find something to really keep me entertained so I drifted sites to read and play games through the years as well as beginning my master’s degree program.

Now I’m working full time, attending school full time and soon I’m also tutoring 2 to 3 days each week as well.  I overloaded myself with work because I didn’t have a personal life.  I went from a seventh grade teacher to a fifth grade teacher and just like the year before my students and family were my life.  I didn’t give myself time to get lonely or bored.  When home alone I played games, chatted on MySpace and still kept in touch with a few of my friends from Chattanooga.  When not on the computer I was reading 3 to 4 books a week and trading with my, now, sister-in-law and yet I still wasn’t satisfied really. Soon I had two nephews to go along with my beautiful niece and when I could get down to visit them I would but that wasn’t always easy, so I still had a lot of time home alone.  By this time I was trying the Atkins diet and had ups with it and downs, I never did lose much with that diet or any others I had tried. Soon I grew tired of the apartment complex I lived in and moved to a better one just around the corner that was a bit more customer oriented. Now I’m in my second school and third grade level/subject area to teach but I was still not so social outside of the computer.

At Apollo I met L and A tow very outgoing women that made this little turtle poke its head out a bit more.  With them I attended more local musical events because A’s husband was a bass guitarist. In fact those girls are the ones who actually bought me my first alcoholic drink, and yes I was 26 years old and had never had one before.   During this time because of finances I had to stop working on my Master’s Degree and started tutoring more.  With L and A I did more than I had ever done, I went to the bars, I went to the bad parts of town, I danced and was even serenaded by the bands lead singer but I still never felt like I really fit in.

Looking back I sometimes wonder if they only brought me along because I would be sober and could always be the designated driver. Who knows?  As I said before A was married to the bass guitarist from the band and so she always had someone to go home with. L on the other hand was single like me but that ended the similarities.  L was petite, she was thin, she was bubbly, and everything guys look for in the girl they want.  While A went home with her husband and I went home alone each night L went home with different men. These ladies, although fun to hang around with, had different ideals and beliefs than I did so when I transferred schools our times out and about the town ended.

By now its 2005 and I’m at my new teaching position, 2^nd grade something I had always dreamed to teach, and finding out it’s not as easy as I had always thought.  I was back in classes myself, working towards my Master’s Degree. On the days I didn’t have classes I tutored and worked the ticket booth or concession stands at the ball games after school.   I still played around online when I could and still kept up with writing a bit in my MySpace blog, sometimes the blogs were true and other times they were stories I would make up, it didn’t matter to me.  Most of the time though I was overwhelmed with all of my classes and keeping my own students involved and ready to learn more and more.  I was being pushed by this person and pulled by that yet I didn’t let it bring me down… much. 

Many times I would sign up for those free online date sites and the free weeks or weekends through some of the better known ones.  In Feb of 06 I was shocked to find a message that wasn’t rude and disrespectful and I started talking with Charles.  Charles was a masseuse, a model and want to be actor and I was in heaven.  Charles was tall and thin with just enough muscles.  He made me laugh, he loved animals just as I did and adored his daughter.  We emailed back and forth often and chatted through Yahoo even more often.  He was so polite, and sweet I still couldn’t believe my luck.

He waited for me to have time and be ready and asked me to a movie. I was so nervous it was my first date, EVER.  (I was 29 years old and had never had a date, how sad is that.)  Still nervous about meeting a guy online I asked to meet him at the theater instead of him coming to pick me up. We met at the theater and he was a perfect gentleman, paying for the movie … and that was it, no drink, no popcorn, no candy, nothing.  We sat there in the theater his arm around me, nuzzling my neck and whispering how good I smelled and now that I think back to it I think he wanted to do more than that.  The movie ended and he walked me back to my car, my nerves rose and when he leaned in to give me a good night kiss I turned my head leaving him with a kiss to my cheek and not what he sought.

I thought it was a successful date but when I got online the next night he immediately questioned me about turning my head from the kiss. I tried to explain to him that it was nerves and he seemed to understand. The days and weeks went by and we continued chatting but with school it was difficult to find time to really get together. So in May when he needed a place to stay for a night because he now lived out of town and had a very early appointment I let him stay over at the apartment.

I wasn’t stupid though because I knew it was falling on the same time a friend of mine was coming for a visit from Florida and she would be at the apartment as well.  We all decided to make it a small party with just Charles, myself and two of my friends. We sat there together in the living room sipping wine and nibbling on different snacks talking, watching a movie and playing cards. Soon Charles was asking me to massage his shoulders which I did thinking the favor would be returned but I was wrong.

When it started getting late one friend went home and I was ready to head to bed because I had work the next morning.  My friend from Florida preferred sleeping on the couch and so I showed Charles to the guest room/computer room.  Together we sat In there and talked, him on the bed while I sat in the computer chair. He asked me to get on the bed with him and I tried to explain that I was saving myself until marriage.  He didn’t understand what I meant so I had to explain to him that I had never had sex and didn’t plan to until I had been wed in the eyes of God.  With a bit of a huff he explained that he was a dog and would “f**k any b***h around.” This grossed me out so I bid him goodnight, headed to the living room told my friend to bang on my door if she needed me or call my cell. Heading into my own room finally, almost in tears because everything had crashed in on my heart, I locked my door and fell into bed. The next morning I was polite but not overly so and when I made sure he left before I did. I walked him to his car and said good bye.  He gave a short response and jumped in his car, I was relieved to see him go.

That night my two friends that met him and I discussed what happened and how his behavior throughout the night had made each of us feel.  After taking some time to pray I wrote him one short letter then with more prayer and more explanatory letter and let him go from my mind.  I was done with those sites and just left everything dealing with relationships to God.  I made myself focus more and harder on my own classwork through the summer sessions as well as ample time with my niece and nephews.  School started again and I through myself back into the work there.

In Nov of 06 taking a break from all of my lesson planning and homework I was goofing around online and found a link for a new chat site called IMVU.  I decided to join and see what it was all about.  I found a world of fun things and people.  On IMVU I found groups of other teachers, groups of avid readers, groups of people who loved to write and so many other groups.  I invited a friend from church to the site and soon we both had our own avatars and chatted often.

The difference with chatting this way for me was the avatars themselves.  Here in the world of IMVU I could look thin, I could look like the girl every guy wants and while I never lied about my size I wasn’t always forthcoming about it either.  I loved talking with people on there and meeting new people all the time.  I loved being able to talk to others about my struggles with my class and them understanding, I mean really understanding what I was talking about.  Soon though I had an unwanted suitor that wouldn’t take no for an answer and made a new account.

 On the new account I made myself look more like I wanted to look in life, at that time. I was a blonde California type girl with bright blue eyes and a beautiful tan.  My friend from church purchased a membership for me, for Christmas and soon I was even able to develop my own clothes there.   With this account I got curious and began looking for groups for plus sized women and found the BBW Admirers.  At this time I didn’t have a ton of time to spend online because I was still in classes this spring semester of 2007.

I pushed through and graduated with my Master’s Degree in May of 2007.  Now I had more time to play online, on IMVU as I had become fond of it.  I watched the BBW group but never really said anything.  I met Ash and DPD, I met Bigmommakat and a few others here with this account. Together we would all talk, we had fun and got to know each other well.  I was having a blast.  I could finally flirt with guys and not get those looks of sickness like I always got in real life.  I got to turn them down when I wanted if I didn’t like them. I was living the life I had never been able to live with my real body.

Soon enough BigMommaKat introduced me to her brother and he seemed like the guy I had dreamed of and  we flirted like crazy.  I was amazed a man like him would want someone like me.  He kept talking of coming to visit me here in the states, as he was living in Canada. Our chats started getting weird and now I had a feeling I didn’t really know who I was talking to.  I kept going with it for a while and then finally confronted him.  At the confrontation I found out it wasn’t a him at all, it was BigMommaKat who made up a false account.  She said she was attracted to me and since I was not into girls she thought that was a way she could have me.  I immediately stopped talking to her but she kept messaging me so now August of 07 I leave all the groups with that account and stop using it.

That same day I made my final IMVU account, ALMill.  This is the account that changed my life, changed who I am, and how I feel about myself as a person and as a part of humanity.  I never could have imagined what would happen once I opened this account but now that I look back and see it all, it’s also something I will never regret and would never give up.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Kent Smotherman]

Parts of this I really enjoyed a great deal, and the concept is a very interesting, engaging one. However, overall it seems a bit rambling to me and didn't really pull me as a reader along for the journey of the story. I'm sorry, just trying to be constructive. :)

[TLK]

With a bit of a huff he explained that he was a dog and would “f**k any b***h around.”

At the confrontation I found out it wasn’t a him at all, it was BigMommaKat who made up a false account. She said she was attracted to me and since I was not into girls she thought that was a way she could have me.

From the frying pan, into the fire. People can be pretty predatory.

[Chris]

A well told story...

[Michael G.]

I generally don't read many stories, but once I started this one I couldn't stop. Well done.
I, too, appreciate the larger fonts.
You have written a story here that needs to be read by many. If you don't mind, I will stop in from time to time to see what you are writing.

[Tattered Teddy]

*clamors for more*

[DIDI]

awesome. i only love it.

[Seamstress]

Only love it? Could there be higher praise than that. Thank you so much.

[Tattered Teddy]

I appreciate the HUGE font!!! Alright and also the story. SO important for this to be told, and I hope people shall read it and relate to it, but also take heed. Good to see you over here. :)

[Seamstress]

*giggles* Thought you would like the huge font.