Intentionally Misinterpreting Statements As Being Literal (from The Kind-Hearted Smartass)

Intentionally Misinterpreting Statements As Being Literal

 

I enjoy being a pain in the butt sometimes. I enjoy being creative, am a bit of a word geek and as the title of this book should suggest, a bit of a smartass as well. Due to this, I detest clichés. First of all, originality is absent when re-using the same tired phrases over and over again. Also, I find that many of them don’t make an ounce of sense. So, I heartily enjoy intentionally misinterpreting such statements, in order to depict the ambiguity which resides in them and to showcase just how ridiculous the phrases are.

 

Following will be fictionalized dialogue between some unknown person and myself, where he/she/it will utter a common phrase or saying and I will respond accordingly.

 

Debra: “I’m as happy as a clam.”

 

Me: “The one you just ate?”

 

 

Anna: “Good morning!”

Me: “Are you trying to be funny?”

 

 

Albert: “There’s no ‘I’ in team!”

 

Me: “That is quite the observation. There isn’t a w, p, q or r either.”

 

 

 

 

Sherrie: “Come on, Craig. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

 

Me: “Don’t worry about it. I planned on staring at it for a while before speaking to it in Swedish.”

 

 

Jorge: “You know, man. We were just shooting the sh*t.”

 

Me: “Wouldn’t it be better to just flush the sh*t instead?”

 

 

Lucy: “As you know, the pen is mightier than the sword.”

 

Me: “Do you have a pen? I brought my sword. Let’s do this!”

 

 

Paul: “Let’s not beat around the bush, Craig.”

 

Me: “Suit yourself. I’ll be back in about a half hour.”

 

 

Jerry: “I don’t give a rat’s a*s what that guy says!”

 

Me: “He’ll probably be disappointed. I heard he is a collector of rats’ asses.”

 

 

Ernest: “I am not a happy camper right now.”

 

Me: “But we’re bowling…”

 

 

Tasha: “My ex wouldn’t know his a*s from his elbow!”

 

Me: “Can I see a picture?”

 

 

Becky: “Don’t give up, Craig! There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

 

Me: “No offense to them, but I’m not attracted to fish.”

 

 

Faith: “That guy really is barking up the wrong tree!”

 

Me: “I know. What does he think he is? A cocker spaniel? I hope he doesn’t fall.”

 

 

Lois: “Craig, you are the apple of my eye!”

 

Me: “Thanks and you’re the grapes of my nose.”

 

 

Alyssa: “I have to say this, Craig. You’re really starting to rub me the wrong way.”

 

Me: “I’m sorry about that. How about I make it up to you? Let’s go back to my place, so I can rub you the right way?”

 

 

Harry: “I’m just trying to think outside the box. What ideas do you have, smart one?”

 

Me: “One sec. I’ve got to get out of this damn box. I’ll be right with you.”

 

 

Chuck: “Craig, the writing is on the wall.”

 

Me: “Yeah, I know. I was just in the bathroom. Do you know anyone named Jerome?”

 

 

Chandra: “It’s really raining cats and dogs out there!”

 

Me: “PETA is going to be pissed!”

 

 

Bob: “It’s colder than a witch’s tit out there!”

 

Me: “Really? I remember Lucinda’s were like ice cubes, the right one anyway.”

This book and my three others can be viewed and/or purchased at the following site: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz