"Being gay is like smoking, eh? Me thinks not." (excerpt from my book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass)

Being gay is like smoking, eh? Me thinks not.

 

When interviewed by ThinkProgress earlier this year, social conservative leader (Iowa Family Leader), Bob Vander Plaats, stated, “If we’re teaching the kids, ‘don’t smoke, because that’s a risky health style,’ the same can be true of the homosexual lifestyle. That’s why I think we need to speak the truth once in a while.”^[1] Indeed we do.

 

This wasn’t the first time Vander Plaats resorted to such rhetoric regarding homosexuality. Earlier this year, he stated the following, “Why not open it up! Bisexual, polygamy, multiple women? Why not?”

 

Okay, so I’ve heard this slippery slope before. “Legalize gay marriage? Then what? Polygamy? Incest? Marrying your dog? Marrying a poster of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Really? What’s next?”

 

Alright, so I’ve heard the slippery slope before when people have attempted to make a case against gay marriage. However, this was the first time I had heard a person compare homosexuality to smoking. That’s right, smoking = being gay. This mathematically-sound formula could make for some interesting dialogue:

 

Jeffrey: “Yo, do you have a pack of gays on you?”

 

Joseph: “I just have this one. We’ll need to buy some more gays.”

 

Jeffrey: “What kind, though? There are so many gays to choose from: Camels, Marlboros, Virginia Slims.”

 

Joseph: “Yeah, I’m always in the mood for different gays. I like switching things up on a regular basis. It keeps things interesting and exciting.”

 

Jeffrey: “Getting serious for a second, do you ever worry that gays will give you lung cancer?”

 

Joseph, “Naw, man. Just because I like to gay it up every day, doesn’t mean anything. What about you?”

 

Jeffrey: “I don’t know. There are some times I seriously want to stop doing gays. I still enjoy it. There’s nothing like, after a stressful day at work, popping a gay in your mouth, but still…”

 

Joseph: “Yeah, I hear ya. I had an awful day yesterday. Gays were going in and out of my mouth every couple of minutes. There were a few times I had three gays in my mouth at once.”

 

Jeffrey: “Holy crap! I’ve never been able to do that! My record is two gays at once. You’ve got quite the mouth on you!”

 

Joseph: “Thank you. Yours isn’t so bad either. Speaking of which, would you like to come to my house for some wild, passionate smoke time?”

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^[1] How I wish I were gay and would thereby be able to counter such arguments with, “Marriage? Between a man and a woman? What will be next? A man and two women? Five women? One-hundred forty-six women? Poster cut-outs of women? Women inflatable dolls? Where will we draw the line?”

This book and my three others can be viewed and/or purchased at the following site: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz

Reviews

[SGCool]

Really funny stuff, my friend. You were able to take nasty, hateful (not to mention intensely bigoted) rhetoric and turn it into a hilarious situation. It also made me think of the fact that cigarettes are called 'f**s' in the U.K., which I know is not an okay thing to call anyone but I couldn't help but find the coincidence amusing, in a dark humor sort of way. Great work!