My Life Is a Shadow of My Horoscope (an excerpt from my book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass)

My Life Is a Shadow of My Horoscope

 

That's right. Each and every day, I read my horoscope and that's how I plan my day. I also have a lifetime supply of fortune cookies, where I will follow their advice on a daily basis. In addition to that, I see palm readers, fortune tellers and tarot card readers to tell me what my future will be like and what I need to do on a daily basis to attain what is my fate.

 

Okay, so none of that is true. I really wish I had come up with the idea of writing horoscopes. How easy would that be? Just give an extremely vague and general form of advice, with no clear direction whatsoever and ask people to read and believe in its wisdom.

 

It reminds me of comedian George Carlin's old bit about the Hippy-Dippy Weatherman.

 

He said something along the lines of, "Tonight - dark. Light in the morning, with a chance of precipitation and the temperatures will change off and on for a very long period of time." After that forecast, he could retire.

 

A horoscope is vague much like that, where it may read, "There may be problems adjusting to your current situation. Do something to take charge. Tonight - go out. Tomorrow - stay in."

 

Yeah... I really wish these horoscopes would become more specific. I think there would be a much greater opportunity for laughter if they specified on our futures. While, yes, it's true that these horoscopes would not be applicable to as wide an audience as they currently are in their vague format, for the people to whom they did apply, they would seem much more genuine than what they are currently.

 

For example, how about this horoscope for Aquarius:

 

"Christina isn't worth the trouble. Dump her tonight and get laid on the rebound with a woman by the name of Jessica at the bar across the street from your house. She'll be wearing a very showy outfit and will be drinking a Bloody Mary at the end of the bar. Tell her you're vulnerable and that you need to get laid. She will smile, immediately pay her tab and go to your place. It will be a wonderful night, but she will get pregnant, the two of you will get married and name your child Jonathan Jacob."

 

For a Pisces, it could read:

 

"Yeah, your day is going to royally suck. First, you're going to lose your job at Ace Hardware. Upon hearing the news, your girlfriend, Shawniqua, will dump you, only to go out with your brother, Hezekiah, that very night. Yes, the two of them will embrace one another all night long. Meanwhile, you're going to get drunk on O'Douls, continually listen to your and Shawniqua's song, Nine Inch Nails' 'Closer' and watch your movie, 'Kickboxer'. Tomorrow, you will be hung over for the day's duration and Shawniqua will call you, moaning at the top of her lungs and yelling Hezekiah's name. This will set you off and you will wind up in a loony bin. But, don't worry, things go uphill from there. Good luck."

 

I would take those horoscopes much more seriously, I think. I'd know this specific horoscope may not apply to me, but someone out there, perhaps just one person, will read that and start crying, saying, "How did they know? Oh my God! How did they know?" Exactly. Hmm... Perhaps I will start writing horoscopes, just in my more specific form. I'll have to ask my Magic 8 Ball if it's in my future. Hmm.. Two out of three. Three out of five. Eh, whatever.

This book and my three others can be viewed and/or purchased at the following site: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz