"Apparently, Socks Make the Man" (an excerpt from my book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass)

Apparently, Socks Make the Man

 

I read an article recently which centered around first-date fashion advice for men.^[1] I am in no way a fashion expert and to be perfectly honest, I’m about as knowledgeable about fashion as meteorologists are about predicting the weather. Given all of that, though, I found some of the advice given in this article to be rather, oh, what’s the word? Stupid.

 

There were five main points in the article:

 

1) Don’t wear khakis

 

2) Don’t wear striped dress shirts

 

3) Wear a shirt with some “color” (maroon, forest green and cobalt blue are the three that are mentioned and also stay away from neutrals and hot pink)

 

4) Show that you take care of your shoes (polish and remove scuff marks)

 

5) Wear socks with a pattern or design (such as hearts or diamonds)

 

I’ll bypass the first three “tips”. I don’t necessarily agree with them, but found the quotes for the fourth and fifth pointers to be, eh, I’ll say interesting.

 

Kelly Rae, fashion and grooming director of Stuff magazine, had this to say on why it’s essential for a man to show on a first date that he takes care of his shoes, “A man who maintains his shoes can be trusted to be detail-oriented in other areas of his life, from his home to a new relationship.”

 

Really? I agree that it’s probably a good idea to make sure the shoes are in good shape upon wearing them on a first date, but really? Women can trust us being detail-oriented in other areas of life from the simple fact we illustrated we can make our shoes look nice on one occasion? Really? Is that all it takes? That has fallacy written all over it.

 

Using that form of “logic,” I’d like to try and utilize it in other scenarios. Let’s see how that works.

 

On a first date, I could see something like this happen:

 

Man: (tells a joke and laughs)

 

Woman: “Is everything funny to you? Are you always going to be like this? Are you going to laugh in church during the sermon? Do you laugh in your sleep? When you die, will you still be laughing? I can’t believe you! This just isn’t going to work out!”

 

or

 

Man: “So, what is it you do for a living?”

 

Woman: “Is this how you always are? Do you always ask so many questions? Do you ask questions when you’re at a movie theater? At a baseball game? While having sex? What’s wrong with you?”

 

or

 

Man: “You’re a very good conversationalist.”

 

Woman: “Thank you. I’d like to think that I am.”

 

Man: “Gosh, that’s great. That means so much! Because of that, you have to be good at: Cooking, exercising, cleaning, chess, drinking alcohol, kissing, back rubbing, scrabble, darts, karaoke, driving and playing the jazz flute.”

 

I’m sorry, but just because a guy shows he can take care of his shoes on one occasion doesn’t mean he’s like that on a regular basis or in other areas. I wish things could be so simple. If they were that simple, I’d be going all over town, looking closely at each and every woman (creeping them out in the process), before finally stopping when I found “the one”. She would wear a particular outfit which would scream to me, “She’s never cheated on a boyfriend, hasn’t slept around at all, doesn’t lie much, drinks once every month and only a glass of wine at that, had a very brief stint with ecstasy but has been clean for going on 7 years, has a crush on Woody Allen and believes that the capital of the United States is Pueblo.” It’s that easy…

 

As for point #5 regarding socks, I had to re-read this portion of the article four to five times, because I couldn’t believe the words that were staring me in the face. Socks? I’ve heard of women being influenced by a man’s choice of shirt, pants, shoes, but I’ve never heard of such a scenario with regard to socks. I can just hear it now…

 

(two friends talk after one of them went on a first date)

 

Sandra: “Sooooo… What’s he like?”

 

Olita: “He was SO nice. He proved to me that chivalry is not dead! He was so funny too! He had me laughing all throughout dinner!”

 

Sandra: “So, when’s the next date?”

 

Olita: “Tomorrow! I can’t wait! I think he may be the one!”

 

Sandra: “Really? Oh my God! That’s great! You haven’t said that about a guy since last week! I’m so happy for you! So, why do you think that?”

 

Olita: “He wore socks with hearts on them!”

 

That was the inevitable conversation following the sock-with-hearts date. Here’s what the dialogue would be if the guy wore different socks:

 

Sandra: “Sooooo… What’s he like?”

 

Olita: “He was SO nice. He proved to me that chivalry is not dead! He was so funny too! He had me laughing all throughout dinner!”

 

Sandra: “So, when’s the next date?”

 

Olita: ::sighs:: “Eh, I don’t think there’s going to be a second date.”

 

Sandra: “What? Why not?”

 

Olita: “He wore plain white socks. I just can’t deal with that. He may be cute, funny, smart and kind, but good choice of socks is what it’s really all about. You know as well as I that socks make the man.” Indeed they do.

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^[1] To everyone’s surprise, I’m sure, no, I did not write this.

This book and my three others can be viewed and/or purchased at the following site: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz