My Attempt At Thinking Like Glenn Beck (an excerpt from my book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass)

My Attempt At Thinking Like Glenn Beck

 

Okay, I'm going to give this a go. I've never been able to understand how Glenn Beck comes up with the ideas he does. So, I'm going to attempt to become one with Glenn Beck, crawl inside that noggin of his and see what I can come up with. Alright... ::closes eyes, takes deep breaths, listens to Metallica::

 

For my first connection, I will show you that without any hesitation, we can conclude there's a direct link connecting Hillary Clinton, Sean Penn and Mystic River. There's no mistaking which way Hillary Clinton leans on the political spectrum. She's a left-wing loony, much like actor Sean Penn. If you didn't realize this, Sean Penn starred in the film "Mystic River" and this means only one thing - Hillary Clinton drowned someone in a river! There should be a full investigation into this criminal act and I am going to be the one leading the way to her conviction and life sentence!

 

How about if I connect four?

 

Today I'm going to draw a link between: Barack Obama, Michigan, the Qur'an and dinosaurs. It's really very simple when you think about it. Dinosaurs were here a long, long time ago and according to my studies, the Qur'an has been around for a very long time as well. There are a significant number of Muslims whom practice Islam through the Qur'an in parts of Michigan. Barack Obama won the state of Michigan in the 2008 presidential election. Therefore, Barack Obama wants to kill all the infidels! All those whom don't follow the Qur'an, you might be next!

 

Okay, that was another attempt. Let me try and connect more dots...

 

I'm going to show you all that there's a direct link between: Bill Clinton, a skunk, a Siberian Husky, Russia and chicken vindaloo. Now, stay with me on this one. These are very scary times, which I'm about to show you. There can be no question about it; Bill Clinton stinks, much like that of a skunk’s spray. Now, if you'll notice on a skunk's back is a strip of white sandwiched in between black. Siberian Huskies can be all (or partially) white. There are huskies in evil, communist Russia and some southern parts of Russia aren't too terribly far from northern portions of India. Chicken vindaloo is the spiciest dish in Northern India and through this, we now know that Bill Clinton has engaged in a number of hot, spicy affairs and should be punished! Be on the lookout, guys. Clinton may soon be after your wife! Come prepared! Make sure to buy a gun and if he trespasses, take care of business! No, I'm not advocating violence. I'm not saying to shoot the guy. But if he criminally trespasses on your property, do it!

 

Okay, let's see if I can do this by connecting six people, places and/or things. This could get a little tricky, but I have confidence I'll be able to pull it off.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, I am about to announce before you the biggest, most valid and most frightening conspiracy in the history of man! Your life will forever be changed by what I'm about to say! I'm about to connect the following: Democrats, Jesus, a blue whale, a lamp, Will Ferrell and Gatorade. Actor Will Ferrell's biggest role to date was his starring as Ron Burgundy in "Anchorman". In the movie, Steve Carell's character states, "I love lamp". His character's name is Brick. Like Brick, the blue whale starts with the same letter, "B". Gatorade now has a blue colored and flavored water from which to choose. Like with any kind of water, one can be baptized in this very water to be saved in Jesus Christ's holy name. But what's lost in this is the fact the Jews killed Jesus and the Jewish demographic almost always votes Democrat. So, ladies and gentlemen, hear me now, hear me loud and clear. Democrats crucified Jesus!

 

There you have it. I must admit, finding some of these links was very difficult, but Mr. Beck's cognizance of the unprovable, his audacity of the impossible, his conviction for the ludicrous inspired me to no longer think for myself, to no longer listen to actual logic, reason or to any credible source. I can now utilize my imagination to the very fullest to turn fact into fiction and fiction into reality, my reality. So, thank you Mr. Beck, for convincing me that ignorance truly is bliss.

This book and my three others can be viewed and/or purchased at the following site: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz