New Year's Resolutions (an excerpt from my book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass)

New Year's Resolutions

 

Regardless of the time of year or what year it is, I believe the following resolutions will be made:

 

Dick Cheney - To smile for the first time in his life.

 

Tom Cruise - To reject medication from his doctor after he tells Tom that he is mentally troubled, insane and delusional.

 

Bill O'Reilly - To take an anger management class, go to discussion groups on racism and sexism and to have some more fun on the telephone.

 

Slyvester Stallone - To box without a walker or cane.

 

Rush Limbaugh - To marry his 5th, 6th and 7th wives and declare himself the second coming of Joseph Smith.

 

Hugh Grant - To play the same role in another film.

 

Sean Hannity - To give others a chance to speak.

 

Mike Tyson - To take on a new primary language so he can never attempt to speak the English language again.

 

Donald Trump - To take credit for ending World War II, finding and killing Osama bin Laden and starting a new business called, “Rat Hair”.

 

MTV - To show one music video between 7 am and midnight.

 

Hollywood - To come out with more re-makes and sequels than originals.

 

Reality TV - To become more fake.

 

John Madden - To become a professional tic-tac-toe player.

 

Lyle Lovett - To be voted America's Sexiest Male.

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger - To take part in a nationally-televised debate with Mike Tyson and George W. Bush.

 

Fox News - To fool the public some more.

 

George W. Bush - To finally get through that Dr. Seuss book he started reading 7 years ago.

 

Tiger Woods - To set a record for hole-in-ones away from the golf course.

 

Glenn Beck - To make sense even if only once.

 

Lady Gaga - To start a new clothing chain called “RSTW” or “Random S**t To Wear”.

 

Sarah Palin - To see Russia for the first time in her life.

 

LeBron James - To announce to the world via ESPN what he’s doing for his birthday.

 

John McCain - To replace the latter part of his repetitious line “My friends” with “My G’s”.

 

American Idol - To replace judges Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez and Randy Jackson with Cheech, Chong and Jesus.

 

Charlie Sheen - To transition himself to the softer drugs, like crack.