"Every Kiss Does NOT Begin With Kay" (an excerpt from my book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass)

Every Kiss Does NOT Begin With Kay

 

Between the music, the dialogue and the acting, these Kay commercials come across to me as a hybrid of a soap opera and an awful made-for-TV movie.

 

The basic outline for a Kay commercial is as follows:

 

1) Cue the cheesy Hallmark music - Go!

 

2) Present Hollywood-esque romantic scene that has a 2.2 - 3.09% chance of presenting itself in reality. Check.

 

3) Have the male chime in with a dramatic one-liner that has cliché written all over it, such as, "You deserve everything, which is why I got you this..."

 

4) At this very time, he presents his gift from Kay.

 

5) Overdramatic reaction by the female. Teardrops. Mouth agape. Phony smile. Check.

 

6) The female then responds with a lovely one-liner of her own, such as, "I'll never cheat on you again. Now, kiss me."

 

7) Cue the kiss.

 

8) Now for the closer - "Every kiss begins with Kay."

 

After having to sit through these darn things, I think I can say for many people that no longer does kiss begin with "Kay," it begins with "Gag".

 

Personally, I like my rendition of one of these stupid commercials better. We'll keep the same cheesy hallmark music intact, along with the signature line, but I'd like to switch up the dialogue a bit.

 

Male: ::as he presents his Kay jewelry gift to the lovely lady:: "I love you more than anything and wanted to illustrate this very love through a piece of jewelry."

 

Female: "Wait? Where did you get the money for this?"

 

Male: "Don't worry about it. Trust me."

 

Female: "But, we're on a very tight budget here. You and I both know we can't go around spending money like this, especially during this recession."

 

Male: "Don't worry. I stole it. I dressed up as Big Bird. There's no way they'll ever find me."

 

Female: "What if the authorities find out? What will you do then? What if you go to jail for this?"

 

Male: "For this one magical moment we're having here, it'd be worth it, just to show you I love you."

 

Female: "Oh my God! You're such an idiot! What about our kids? Do you really want them growing up without a father?"

 

Male: "I thought I wasn't the father."

 

Female: "You know what I mean. Both George and William are in prison as it is. I don't need their two actual fathers and you all in jail."

 

Male: "But, I love you and..."

 

Female: "Oh, shut it! We need to figure out how to get out of this country and hide out for a while."

 

Male: "I'm sorry, sweetie."

 

::the two embrace one another, which is followed by a peck on the lips::

 

"Every Kiss Begins with Kay."

 

Indeed...

This book and my three others can be viewed and/or purchased at the following site: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz