"Doctors Crack Me Up Sometimes (not literally…)" (excerpt from my book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass)

Doctors Crack Me Up Sometimes (not literally…)

So, I went to the doctor's this past Monday. I'm heading northbound to Michigan tomorrow to see family over Memorial Day weekend. Sunday morning, I felt soreness in my throat, which tends to mean one thing - The worst is yet to come. I then began feeling a tad warm that afternoon and the quantity of symptoms increased into Monday, as my body felt sore and achy, I was overly-tired, had a stuffy nose, plugged ears, etc. Luckily (well, kind of), I was able to schedule an appointment for later that afternoon.

 

Right when the nurse practitioner walked in, she, like most other doctors upon seeing a patient, asked me in a very cheerful tone of voice, "So, how's it going for you today?"

 

I just wanted to respond, "Dandy! That's why I'm here! I wanted to make an appointment to chit-chat for a bit and if you're hungry, perhaps I could take you out for lunch. My treat!"

 

When I hear doctors ask this question in such a tone, I envision the following dialogue:

 

Dr. Duh: "So, Nicole, how's it going for you today?," he asks in a chirpy tone with a wide grin on his face.

 

Nicole: "Well, you know, I didn't have much to do today and was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd stop in, schedule an appointment and say hello."

 

Dr. Duh: "Well, that was very nice of you, Nicole. Have we met before?"

 

Nicole: "No. I just had this urge to spend some money and what better way to spend $25 than on a co-pay for a doctor's appointment?"

 

Dr. Duh: ::chuckles:: "Yes, well, I sincerely appreciate your business. Now, I don't mean to pry, but isn't there something else you'd rather be doing than paying money to say hello to a doctor?"

 

Nicole: "Not really. I mean, I could have gone to a movie, but there's not much out that I want to see right now. There are a couple of comedies, but I'm not in the mood for laughter. I'd much rather have needles inserted in my arms and swabs down my throat than that. Speaking of which, can you do that please?"

 

Dr. Duh: "For what reason?"

 

Nicole: "Just because. Out of boredom. Whatever. Take your pick."

 

Dr. Duh: "Do you have any symptoms, a condition which would necessitate such procedures?"

 

Nicole: "I think I had strep and I also haven't been tested for STD's."

 

Dr. Duh: "When did you have strep?"

 

Nicole: "Six years ago."

 

Dr. Duh: "I see. Well, I think we can bypass the throat culture then. Now, about the STD's, are you serious about getting tested?"

 

Nicole: "Of course I am."

 

Dr. Duh: "Okay. Well, I have to ask. Are you sexually active now?"

 

Nicole: "Do you see me having sex right now?"

 

Dr. Duh: "No, not right this very instant. I mean, is there someone you're sexually active with during the course of the week?"

 

Nicole: "No."

 

Dr. Duh: "Alright. When's the last time you were sexually active?"

 

Nicole: "Never."

 

Dr. Duh: "Never? How long has it been?"

 

Nicole: "I'm a virgin."

 

Dr. Duh: "In that case, I think we can hold off on the testing for that also."

 

Nicole: "Man! Where can a girl go to get needles put in her arm and swabs down her throat? So Doc, let me ask you a question - How are YOU doing today?"

 

Dr. Duh: "Honestly? Agitated."

 

Nicole: "Exactly."

This book and my three others can be viewed and/or purchased at the following site: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz