Carpet + Shoes + Boombox = (an excerpt from my book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass)

Carpet + Shoes + Boombox =

 

Have you ever had that odd dating experience in your past that makes for a fun drunken story to tell friends or even strangers now? A story so classic that it's been spread across the world and someone is currently probably writing a book about it? I've had a couple such dating experiences, but one takes the cake. When I look back and think about the one date that I just shake my head at and laugh about, it's the one I'm about to tell you. For all intents and purposes, the gal in this story's name will be Ariel.

 

It was just before Thanksgiving weekend when I met this girl, we'll call her Ariel. She was a junior at a University in the Midwest, very involved with school, had a solid GPA, and was originally from out west, between the states of Nevada and Wyoming/Colorado. She and I went on a couple dates and I was rather optimistic going into the third, but it's amazing how much things can change from one early date to the next. Nothing much happened on the first couple dates. We went out, talked, watched a movie and were taking things at a nice slow pace. But, then, just shortly before winter break was underway, I talked her into going to a party with me. She sounded excited and I was very much in the mood to go out and be loud, crazy, social and tipsy. So, I went to pick her up and she was just sitting on the couch in her pajamas, watching I don't remember what on the tube. I tried talking to her, but she completely shut me out. She was like a mime. I tried making conversation with her and nothing. No topic or subject worked. I brought up the party and she was no longer interested. So, I then waited patiently for my phone to ring, just hoping that my friends followed through with the party. She then started playing with the remote, trying to find something to watch and there it was - figure skating. All of a sudden, her eyes widened, her tone of voice altered, her attitude went from mime to cheerleader in a matter of seconds. Her favorite figure skater then came on and she was all into it. I was half watching my phone and half watching the complete transformation in a matter of seconds on her behalf, all due to figure skating. Her favorite figure skater ended his routine and she perkily got up off the couch and went into the kitchen. I figured she was going to grab a snack or beverage. All of a sudden, I hear music emanating from the kitchen and she appeared to be dancing. I softly chuckled to myself, thinking, "What in the heck got into her?" But, no, she wasn't dancing. She wasn't singing. She wasn't tipsy like I had hoped to get that evening. She was make-believe figure skating. This wasn't a brief 2-minute routine either. She did this for an hour! She was up, figure skating around the kitchen, the family room and around the couch, where I was sitting with a very confused look on my face. This all happened while "The Brian Setzer Orchestra" CD played from the boombox in the kitchen. The CD went from the first to the very final track, until her relatives went to bed.

 

So, she took that boombox downstairs, plugged it in, Setzer started singing, and she began skating around the basement! The most talking we got done in between her acts was when I asked about the CD and I said the voice sounded very familiar, like the lead singer of the old '80s band, The Stray Cats. She said no, but I looked at the CD and the song I remember The Stray Cats for is "Rock This Town," and that was on the CD. I told her that and she said I was wrong, so I just stopped talking. I sat on the couch and she went into her second act.

 

What did she expect me to do? If she had been dancing, that'd be one thing, but figure skating? What, is it a duet routine where I'm supposed to know the act and skate alongside her? Every now and again, she'd pretend skate around the couch and give me a smile, like this was some unbelievable spectacle that was being displayed before me. She did this for another hour, at least. Overall, she skated for over 2 hours. Of course, my friends didn't pull through that night with the party and I was stuck between a melted indoor ice skating rink and ultimate boredom. When she finally finished her routine, she was huffing and puffing and sweating like a guy after playing 60 minutes of football.

 

She then sat beside me and said, "Craig, is it just me or does something feel really off tonight?"

 

How ironic, her asking me that. I wanted to bust out laughing right then and there, but I just sarcastically said, "Yeah, just a bit." And then, that's when she lost it.

 

She broke down into tears and started saying, "Gosh, this might be the last time we'll see each other until next fall semester. I've got to go to see family, have an internship, go back to see family for the summer, and we might not see each other again until next August."

 

I then asked the rational question, "Why did you wait until now to tell me this?"

 

She then went on and on like we were in some kind of soap opera. I was silent. What do I say to all this?

 

She capped it off with the line, "Craig, this is the part where you kiss me and tell me everything is going to be okay."

 

I can only imagine my facial expression at that point. I then looked around for a director or cameraperson saying, "Action...Take two..." There was no camera. I chuckled and finally said I should get going.

 

I drove home in disbelief at what happened, not knowing if what happened I had dreamt or if it actually occurred. I've had some odd dating experiences, but a gal pretending to figure skate for 2 to 2 1/2 hours, going from mime to someone high on speed in a matter of seconds, and then when the routine ended, asking me, "Does something feel off tonight?" had to have been the oddest and most awkward occurrence I've had in the dating world.

This book and my three others can be viewed and/or purchased at the following site: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz