Chapter 5: The Raven

September 26^th, 2013:

I started my day in a pleasant manner, I felt refreshed and energetic. My current surroundings do not exactly nurture that kind of emotion. I got a better look at the insane “Asylum” this morning, and it is truly horrifying. The conditions of the cells are fine, the meals are good, and everything is done to keep the inmates in relatively good conditions. However, this is all for naught. The creators of this place obviously had no empathy or understanding towards the minds of the depraved, for each of the prisoners are living in their own personal hell. Looking into the cells, one can see inmates holding their heads, crying out in pain, and grinding themselves against the walls, trying to end their miserable existences. I can empathize with them. They are living in a world incomprehensible to normal people. A hellacious of utter and complete chaos. They are still with us, physically, but in their minds, they have fallen from the heaven of earth and descended into hell. It is truly cruel towards me to see these people, their minds not functioning like ours, subjected to the worst torture imaginable, their own minds. Perhaps this is due to my overactive imagination, but I swear that I have begun to see this place as just as much of a Hell as they have.

I should probably discontinue recording such thoughts in my journal, however. I am quite the item of discussion in the psychiatric circles, unfortunately. They view my gift, if you could call it that, with the same fear as I do. With the fear that I am just the same as the people that I empathize with. I was briefed today on the purpose for my…extended visit. There is a killer on the loose in Maryland. They have already claimed the lives of three people. The FBI has sent me into the field in order to profile their crime scenes, hopefully assisting in catching them. As of now, we only know one thing about them. They are a Romantic, and are influenced greatly by Poe. As a result, we have tagged them with a somewhat ominous name. They are called The Raven.

This killer apparently has a particularly… devious method of killing. He or she uses references and methods found in the works of his favorite author. His first victim was a local young man by the name of Anton Vasquez. The crime scene was weeks old when I went to see it. It is completely unsurprising that he is killing in Baltimore, the home of Poe. His method for the kill was equally unsurprising. Anton was found, buried alive, dead of carbon dioxide poisoning from his own breath. He was buried in the lawn of a broken-down old house in the woods, the same kind that Poe lived in. A perfect spot for our killer. As of now, I cannot be sure of what nature this killer’s fascination with Poe is, but I am sure of one thing. I am beginning to empathize with the killer. I could see, for a brief moment, through their eyes. I could see myself walking in their steps, nailing Anton’s coffin shut, then burying it in a shallow grave.

Author's Note

Please read my other chapters, first. Thank you!

Reviews

[Kristin Lee]

This is one of my favorite chapters so far. You give us a glimpse into the future story, not just the past. I love the connection to Poe...though for a minute I found myself wondering if you'd been influence at all by The Following. But when you took it in a different direction with a male victim and nothing having to do with eyes, it was all good, lol. Great imagination and imagery. Keep 'em coming!

[Storyworker]

So I just read the first six parts of this book and I found it extremely interesting. The most amazing aspect of the piece was that you really can bring a character to life, and the main character in this story is well-developed already, even though we haven’t really even been given a glimpse into his past yet. You’ve developed the character instead through his thoughts, and I love it when I read work that does this. The writing also helps to form the character because it sets a certain intelligent, dark tone that is very cool.

Something I immediately noticed about the style was that it was dark, mysterious, and highly developed. The right words were used at just the right times to grab the reader’s attention. It’s hard to grab a reader’s attention strictly through style (since style can often make a reader stop reading instead) but you’re able to do it. I do have to bring up something that I thought could have been better though. We have a character who is writing a journal, and is using amazing English skills as he does so. I feel that journals are not often written with such well-thought-out phrases and word choice. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that the story simply can’t be written using bad writing since you want to still appeal to the reader, but as it stands now, the journal aspects seem unrealistic, as they seem to be written in a novel style and format. My suggestion would be to try adding in a few things that someone might say in a journal. Don’t get rid of the current style completely though! Add a bit of that journaling style into the story and I think it could really be given a great voice as well. Suggested Reading: Frankenstein. The book is written entirely in dialogue from someone and can really show, at times, how to do this.

Voice was also a bit sketchy to me because I found that it was like other things I’ve read. Believe it or not, it is very common to be able to write a dark-toned story, simply because people know how to be dramatic and how to make the words flow just right. You could practically call it human nature. Dark stories are interesting, yes, but they are bland when they do not stand out from the rest. A lot of people write dark fiction, and it’s very hard, but necessary, to figure out how yours is going to stand out from the crowd. Obviously you’ve got the plot down. It’s interesting, and so is the premise. But look at the tone and the style and figure out why it’s like other dark writings you’d find on this website.

The time period was also something I’d like to talk about. Of course, the story takes place in 2012. The first line of the chapters says it. Still, when I began reading, I skimmed through that line and proceeded directly into the story without really reading the time period. Immediately I began to feel as though I was reading something that was based in the 1940’s. This is a problem for two reasons. First, the header at the top is not enough to force the fact that it is modern day into the reader’s mind. It is a simple one-time event, and information that is only presented once, and in a very simple way, is often forgotten by the reader. Second, this shows that the story does not have adequate description to give the reader an idea of what time period it takes place in. If you read through again, you will find little to no reference, besides the dates, to the time period. It is tempting to try and solve the problem by simply putting a date up at the top of the chapter, but it isn’t as effective as description.

Of course, I also want to talk about another type of description: description in general. Occasionally you’d have good bits of description, like this in chapter one:

“Nick’s cell was shadowy and dark. When I entered the room, I could see his silhouette, illuminated by the dim light of the room. He was tall, muscular, and smiling in a slightly disturbing manner.”

But these came rarely and did not describe the setting well enough. I had to conjure my own idea of what the setting looked like, and that usually involved a dark room with a blue tint and a silver table with a desk lamp on it. Papers are strewn around the room which is falling apart. You can see the steel framing in the holes that the drywall has fallen out of. Oftentimes, people will create their own idea of the setting, and this can be good sometimes, but not when it is all the reader’s responsibility. You want to create a basic framework for the reader to play with. Describe how the room feels. Is it clean? Dirty? Does it smell? Is it dark or lit up? Give the reader a general idea of what things look like, and let them take it from there, but do not leave out that framework. Right now, the reader must make up all of the settings. Add a bit of description in there to lessen the workload that the reader has on their shoulders.

The same advice could also be taken for the characters. Their clothes and looks were note described well enough for me to get a good idea of what they looked like. The quote from your story that I posted above does bit of this, but that line is a rare occurrence, and could also be reworked with some better word choice to make it more memorable to the reader.

I’d also like to make a comment about how amazing chapter one was. I’m going to be adding this one to my library on this website. It was extremely unique in the fact that it showed a few facts off of the criminal’s record at the beginning and end. This added drama, and gave the reader a good idea of what the main character was dealing with. The chapter also had extremely impressive dialogue. At all times I could understand Nick and practically hear the tone that he was using in his voice. If I had to say anything about the dialogue I would say that it is a bit too much. As I’ve said before, the journal is extremely well thought out, and thus unrealistic, and this is the same with the dialogue. It is just too well thought out to be natural dialogue at times. Usually, it was fine, but sometimes I couldn’t picture someone saying things like that in the year 2012. Once again, I felt as though I was in a dark part of the 1940’s.

That’s all I have to say. It’s an impressive read. Especially chapter one. It was well planned out and flowed extremely well. Every sentence led into the other and there weren’t often any that were unnecessary. I find it to be better than most dark stories I read here, and I hope you continue to develop what you have here.

Take my suggestions as you will. It’s your job to pick out the suggestions that work for you. If you don’t think some of my suggestions are good, don’t take them too seriously. You’re the one writing the story.

Good read!

-Storyworker

[Daniel Hebert]

Thank you very much. I would like to take note of the things that you said. First of all, you mentioned how my protagonist does not generally describe people. I am very glad that you noticed that, and this is somewhat stylistic. John, despite his gift for empathizing with serial killers and other depraved minds, does not socialize well with others. As a result, he does not mention his colleagues until later in the story. I will try, however, to describe Nick and his cell a little better, as that confrontation is the setup for one of the main themes of my piece. Another thing that you mentioned is that the language used by John is too well-thought out, and therefore does not seem realistic. This does change later in the story, as I want to emphasize the splintering of John’s mind, therefore splintering his focus and forethought. The date issue is also a pressing one… I will consider revising that. Thank you for the amazing and thoughtful review, and I will make sure to keep your suggestions in mind. Thanks again,
Daniel

[Storyworker]

Thanks for your response! I enjoyed reading this.