Inconvenience and Exposure

I wrote this to my 6 best friends, who I lost in one long day.

i can honestly say, that writing this was painful, deep, and emotional, but I needed to say it. It was originally to my best friends, who all decided that I wasn't good enough to be their friend anymore. All 6, people I've known for years and years, dropped me in a day, then went to the movie and vacation together, just without me. I wrote this to try to explain myself, but supposedly it didn't do me any good. 

Somehow typing something on a word document makes my words clearer, makes my thoughts more susceptible to understanding; I don’t know why. But here I go, with words I have never known so clear in my life. 

Dear whoever might read this, 

There are a few things you need to know. 

1) I am real. I sometimes like to deny that to myself, because sometimes it’s easier to pretend that I don’t exist, but as much of a great actor as I am, lying to myself is just too hard. I am real. I am fully aware that my friends, family, and strangers I have come in passing with know of my existence, and the simple fact that I am alive. They. as well, know I’m real. However, it’s hard to believe sometimes. See, I have this fear, probably the worst fear i’ve ever had, and the worst I ever will have; I have a fear of being forgotten. I know it sounds silly; one day, long after my death, people won’t know my name. I won’t exist anymore, in anyone’s mind on this human planet. It’s not reasonable; I shouldn't be afraid of something so simple; but then again, fears don’t have rules. They don’t have to be reasonable. I’m just afraid. 

And when people forget about me, even when I’m still around, it wrestles my mind, causes me to lie awake at night staring at the ceiling, wondering if my fear is indeed reasonable; irrational again, I know. 

2)  I am an emotionally unstable, kind, socially inept contradiction. And I say that with all of the certainty in the world, yet no certainty at all. < SEE I AM A CONTRADICTION! Anyway, that was to lighten the mood, but yes. I am all of those things, right now. I don’t mean that I’ll never change. I simply mean the human being that I am right now, as I write this. I don’t have full control over my emotions. Growing up, emotions weren't real. They didn’t exist. Tears quickly stopped, anger would be resolved after ignoring each other for an ungodly amount of time, or yelling until sundown at the sky, as if that would make the anger go away. Those of you who know me know that I show a large amount of emotion, possibly too much. That is true. I’m not too great at expressing those emotions either. 

I say this because I regret things I did, and things I said out of anger or pain. I regret actions I might have made. I’m trying to change, trust me on that. I know most of you want it to end, and I truly do apologize for hurting anyone that might read this. I care about all of you, and I wouldn't dream of hurting anyone on purpose; unless they deserved it of course. 

3)  I feel that you all need to know that I am deeply paranoid. I don’t have enough fingers to count the amount of panic attacks I’ve had in one week, my heart rarely beats at a normal rate because I am always on edge, and…it affects my life. I can’t go to concerts, or clubs, or the city. I can’t ride crowded busses, and I feel helpless when I’m ignored, even with the simplest of things. I find it hard to wait; for grades, for people, for texts, for calls, even for food. I fear that If I don’t worry, something will happen. If I don’t find out, I never will. If I don’t do this now, I might not be able to do it. Irrational again, I know. But that’s me, anxious, constantly. I always find myself wondering if someone is going to leave, or if I’m always going to be alone, or if I'm always going to spend my life in fear. 

This is important to know about me. It’s hard not to let paranoia and anxiety rule your life. I make choices everyday based on anxiety, some I regret, some I don’t. 

4) Lastly, because I know I’m basically writing my whole life story here, I want everyone to know that I get hurt easily. Im fragile. I take things seriously and literally, even when they are not meant to be. I plan everything out, and when something goes wrong, or if something goes in a way I did not expect…I freak out. I’m not used to it. I am a person who is so afraid of change. I am a person who is ridiculously unable to accept anything. But mostly, I am a person. 

I am a person. 

I am real. 

And I apologize for some of my actions. 

I apologize for some of the words I have said. 

But I do not apologize for being me. I hope everyone is able to understand that.

I am real. 

THE END OF MY SAGA. 

Reviews

[Jessica]

You are real and that is something so painfully hard to find in today's world. Excellent, heartwrenching piece!