Control Issues

 

I guess I should call it resentment

or an unsatisfaction of living conditions

or even an obsessive desire to form a commitment of affection

between mother and child but apparently it’s just for attention,

As you so gracefully told me when I had the ability to control my own actions and emotions.

It might even be the reason I have a compulsion to find everything the world hates about me

but it’s more than that. or maybe it’s just different,

I don’t really know how to explain it,

writing a journal is easy but it’s hard to relive it

but basically it’s hatred, all your lies and disappointed faces,

have been just below the surface for over a decade,

I was 10 when the manifestation of ridicule and intrusion seeped through my skin,

and every part of my life became yours for manipulation,

you could tell me exactly who to be,

and what to say,

and what to change to fit in

to your incredible mold you built for me

Control became unstoppable

it almost became reliable,

I almost began to like it,

because it was the only thing I knew to be true

and soon, I wanted to be in control too.

It became a battle of the family

that none of us will ever win.

the fight for control will always be within.