Chapter one: Raphael.

The prologue and half of the opening chapter to my book.

Chapter one:

Part One: The General

 

 

The man stared into his dark tea, silent and deep in thought. The room was perfectly silent, except for the ticking of the mantle clock, nine-fifteen it read. It was dark outside the large study window, London sprawling before it, a Babylon upon the Thames.

 “Prime Minister” called a smooth, sophisticated, yet brusque voice that shattered the silence like breaking glass.

  The Prime minister, a wizened man with thin grey hair gave a shudder and looked up from his tea, looking across his Rosewood desk to his companion who unnerved him so. He was a tall, lean man, with broad shoulders and a warriors cut, he was well dressed in a black suit and white shirt, perfectly polished shoes too. Some might mistake him for a young, modern day Aristocrat, they would be wrong.

  Without a word the unannounced guest reached for the bottle of golden Rum that sat upon the desk; with his perfect piano playing hands he poured himself a generous glass of the golden liquid. The man began to swirl the glass, each motion causing his tendons to show prominently upon his delicate hands.

 “Our weekly meeting I take it?” queried the Prime Minister, putting his tea down onto his desk, his gnarled hands shaking slightly. “We normally do it at five, I assumed you were preoccupied”. The guest gave his perfect smile, white and full; laughing his infectious, if somewhat unsettling laugh. The Prime Minister gave a shudder, it may have unnerved him, but the smile made him look closer at his companion. His cheek bones were ever so slightly sharp against his somewhat pale skin, his lips were smooth, the lower thicker than a typical mans and his hair was dark like shadow, styled and spiked subtly to make him appear taller; not that he needed it, being over six foot four already.

 The man stopped laughing and he looked straight at the Prime Minister, his serpentine green eyes shining like polished gemstones, piercing the dark room as if they shone light itself.

  “I apologise sir” he began politely, “Uriel delayed me, I am afraid, he is as big a bureaucrat as ever, he had me sorting out my paper work, ME!” he raised his voice just a little, scoffing at the idea. “It’s like he forgets who I am sometimes” he joked.

 The Prime Minister smiled nervously, “Oh I could never forget who you’re” he replied, looking at the man wearily, like he might bite at any moment.

 The man smiled and downed the last of his drink, he undoubtedly smelt of subtle aftershave and now, alcohol.

 “You’re the stuff of Legend” the Prime Minister continued rather wearily. The man turned.

 “Does the idea of me unnerve you? Am I impossible?” He questioned rather sarcastically, with just a hint of curiosity.

 “Impossible?” the Prime Minister joked, filtering with the crucifix around his neck, “Not at all, it is just… you’re sitting right across from me, only a desk between us”.

 “I can sit on the desk if you prefer? I did not realise you disliked things between us” the man retorted sarcastically and playfully. They both smiled, the Prime Minister rather uncomfortably.

 “Okay, down to business” the man ordered abruptly. The Prime Minister nodded.

“What’s to report General?” he inquired.

The man, a General, rose from his seat and walked to the mantle, he moved silently, graciously. He faced the clock and stared at its ticking hands.

“The Horde are becoming more aggressive, they are recruiting the talented, they know we are looking for soldiers, for Magi. They want to stop us”. The General was biting his lip now, his hands behind his back.

 “How many incidents General?” the Prime Minister inquired, “And how essential are these Magi? You have never been clear”. The General turned back to the Prime Minister and sighed.

“As for the incidents, there have been six in the United Kingdom alone, forty eight worldwide this past week”.

“This is serious escalation General.”

“I know” consoled the General, “We will be overwhelmed at this rate, we may need a full military footing and cooperation just to keep the peace”.

The Prime Minister looked up, he was shaking.

“You have hundreds of soldiers at your command! How can you need more? Each one is equal to dozens of us!” He was angry, but more than that, he was scared.

The General; sighed, “Yes, we have three hundred soldiers like me, some being even more powerful. But the vast majority of these soldiers are not ready for war” he finished calmly.

“Not…not ready? You’re legend manifest, you have power at your fingertips, how can they not be ready?” the Prime Minister argued sternly, obviously frustrated.

The General looked straight at the Prime Minister, his eyes flashed. In a split second he was at the desk, moving faster than a human ever could and faster than the eyes could see.

 He slammed his hands into the desk viciously, causing The Prime Minister to jump back. The Generals suit was smoking; his voice was deeper, harsher, no longer sophisticated.

“Give a man a gun and armour, send him to a foreign land and pit him against true soldiers, men with experience and see what happens. Slaughter, he paused. I will not send my brothers to die pointlessly!”

The Prime Minister gulped as the General backed away from his desk, giving a winch before he straightened his suit jacket and ruffled his hair, regaining his composer; the smoke, anger and heat vanishing as quickly as they had come.

“And with the greatest amount of respect Prime Minister” he continued, his sophisticated manners returning, “we don’t exactly breed in the same manner, five dozen humans are not worth one of my men, human or not”.

The Prime Minister opened his mouth to argue but was cut off.

 “Moving on” continued the General, staring the Prime Minister down. “Magi, it is our name for Humans capable of channelling the magical arts. They make excellent soldiers and are invaluable in this war, they give us the ability to be present in numbers that our beyond our own capacity to produce or recruit. However, they are relatively rare by human standards, Magic is not common in your kind.” He paused for a moment, seemingly thinking.

 “There are maybe two-hundred-thousand humans on Earth who are capable of magic” The General began, “But those capable of battle magic? Those capable of fighting on the front lines as pyromancers, illusionists and Healers number maybe around ten thousand”.

 “Ten-Thousand magi is quite impressive Gen…”

 “Oh there aren't ten-thousand ready for the front lines Prime Minister. Many are far too young for that. If we are lucky, we will have two thousand who MIGHT be able to fight”

 The Prime Ministers face sunk, two-thousand, two thousand people in all the Earth who could help.  The General began laughing madly.

 “I guess” he paused, laughing, “I guess we are hopelessly outmanned, aren't we” he finished smiling wickedly. The Prime Ministers greying cheeks turned crimson.

 “You think this is funny do you General!?” he shouted, shaking in anger and fear as he rose from his seat.

The General looked at the Prime Minister, his smile gone. He looked suddenly uneasy, mournful almost. It was quite frightening.

 “How do you think I have dealt with everything I have seen Prime Minister? You have to make it a joke, else it kills you” he muttered solemnly, rocking on the heels of his feet. The anger drained from the Prime Minister.

 The Prime Minister unclenched his hands and placed them gently upon the table, staring at it he began to breathe deeply.

 “Okay, we need these Magi, recruit them, recruit as many as you can, but keep me informed” he sighed, exhausted, “Is there anything else to report General?”

The General stopped rocking; “Only that two of my men are escorting a strike force in Chester as we speak. We had a tipoff on a possible Horde sympathiser”

 “This White Falcon informant I presume?” The Prime Minister inquired, looking up. The General nodded curtly in response. The Prime Minister sighed.

 “Do you know who he or she is yet? Or even what?” he questioned.

“No sir, no clue, who or whatever it is, giving us these tip offs, they are evasive and possibly a waste of resources in tracking down. They are obviously not a threat” the General explained.

The Prime Minister nodded, “I agree, who is leading the strike in Chester?”

“It is Captain Smith’s team Sir, escorted by one human and one non-human entity capable of magic. As you so often insist”.

 “Who?”

“Human, we have Tuzan”. The Prime Minister gave a look of confusion.

“The drugged up African Shaman? Are you Serious General?” The Prime Minister wondered aloud, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Completely” he responded simply, “Tuzan is one of the oldest and most powerful Magi we have at our disposal. Just because he does not conform to your morals does not make him unsuitable.”

“Fine! Fine” he sighed, “Who else? Michael?” The Prime Minister asked, concern in his voice. The General shook his head.

“No sir, Raphael will be escorting Smith as the non-human escort”. There was silence.

 “I must insist General that that is not wise at all!” The Prime Minister exclaimed suddenly.

 “He is already in the field sir” The General responded simply, “We cannot pull him out”.

“He is reckless! We lost so many men when…”

“I told you to never mention Stonehenge again!” roared the General.

The Prime Minister jumped back, shuddering and shaking in fear. The Generals eyes were red and his body was smoking again, as if he was catching fire.

 “That would have happened regardless of who had been there, it was not Raphael’s fault” The General explained, his voice fluctuating between sophisticated and bestial.

“So you keep saying” retorted the Prime Minister, breathing rapidly in fear, his hands were white, shaking, he stood straight, but he was terrified. Silence fell, the General and Prime Minister staring at each other in fear and anger.

 The Prime minister gulped, his heart was racing, the General could snap at any moment, he was as precarious as an undomesticated Rhino. The situation had to be defused, and quickly.

 “I’m sorry General, he is family to you after all” he said calmly and slowly, calming his own shaking at the same time. And like that, as quickly as it had happened, it was gone again, the smoke and the eyes. All that remained was the handsome and sophisticated General.

The General nodded, “Yes, yes he is Prime Minister”.

 The Prime Minister nodded now, “Is there anything else General?” he inquired feeling his heart slow.

 “No sir, I must be off now sir”, he straightened himself, fixing his slightly crumpled suit. “Good evening Prime Minister”. And like that, he was gone, no sound was made, no movement seen, he was simply gone.

The Prime Minister didn't even get to move his lips, although he was use to the General leaving like that, he was magical after all.

The Prime Minister sighed, “Good evening Lucifer”.

 

 

 

 

Chapter one:

Part Two: Raphael

 

 

It was a dark and gloomy night in Chester, England. There was little moonlight tonight, it had been obscured by the dark clouds hanging overhead like an ominous flock of crows; it made the old house eerie and spooky to the men under Raphael’s command.

 Still, Raphael thought to himself, there should be no resistance, old man Tuzan had made sure of that, sleeping spells were his forte after all.

 Raphael moved up the grey marble steps to the front door of the house, making no sound as he did so, he moved with such grace; no mortal could ever hope to match it. He turned at the head of the steps to see Captain Smith, his second officer, clamber up the steps behind him, rather ungraciously compared to Raphael; the captain, if anything represented a newly walking toddler, while Raphael was something of an Olympic gymnast in comparison.

 “Are the men in position Smith?” Raphael spoke clearly and crisply, looking straight at the Captain.

He looked up, he was significantly shorter than Raphael; Raphael being over six foot tall, while Smith was stuck at five foot seven.

 “Charlie and Tango units are in position on the flanks of the house General” answered Smith, looking into Raphael’s leaf green eyes.

“Excellent” Raphael remarked with a nod, “Give the order Smith”.

The Captain reached up to his headset and gave the order to enter the property. “Units Tango, Charlie we have a go, secure your targets, fifteen seconds until entry”.

 Raphael smiled, his impetuous nature kicking in, he couldn’t wait, he didn’t want too, crack! In a blur of potion, faster than the eyes could see Raphael had spun around and kicked the heavy front door clean off of its hinges in a single swift motion. It flew across the hallway, its battered remains landing with a crash halfway down the deserted hall. Before Smith could even react Raphael had entered the hallway, his footfalls never making a sound.

 “General!” Smith called, running after Raphael clutching his pistol, Alpha squad following behind their Captain rapidly.

  Raphael ignored Smith, he was standing next to the shattered remains of the once proud door now, he could hear Charlie and Tango squads entering the building too, likely reacting to his loud entrance; they were used to his impetuous nature.

  He gazed about the house as his men ran after him, it was a largish house but plainly furnished; a few tattered paintings here, a dark Oak table there, the owners had obviously inherited much of their wealth, but could not afford to add to it. One could see the house had been recently cleaned to allow for guests, but a deeper grim was still evident, when not hosting a party the owner, Alexander Dresden, was a lonely individual.

 Ahead of Raphael, at the end of the hallway was a simple spiral staircase of dark tarnished wood ascending into the second floor of the house. They would have to search the entire building if they were going to find the source of the disturbance that White Falcon had reported and tipped them about.

 Raphael turned to the sound of humans behind him. Smith stood behind him in his military uniform, the flag of the United Kingdom stamped proudly upon his shoulder. The rest of Smith’s squad flanked out and began the search the immediate hallway, weapons armed and ready for anyone encounter of the Horde.

 Raphael breathed deeply, his lungs filling with the cool air that drafted in from the broken doorway. He loved the exhilaration that the missions gave him; it was a sort of high in his otherwise boring life. He could already hear the rest of his men searching the house, the heavy thuds of Tuzan’s Taboti staff ringing clear in his ears and announcing the presence of Tango squad.

 “General” Smith began, looking up at Raphael with his dark brown eyes and sharp features rather disapprovingly.

 “I have a name Smith, use it, how many times?” retorted Raphael quickly, looking about the property, opening some drawers in a decrepit Oak desk, only dust and bills greeting him. Smith’s expression changed quickly, taken aback by the Generals sharp response.

 "Sorry Sir” he apologised, “it's just hard you see, you aren't exactly...." he trailed off nervously, Raphael could hear his heart quicken.

 "Exactly what Captain?" inquired Raphael, raising the tone of his voice ever so slightly, the rest of the squad having departed in search, leaving the pair of them alone in the entrance hallway. Raphael closed the desk drawers behind him, wiping the dust from his fingers without a glance.

 Smith squirmed a little and bit his lip visibly; he had spoken himself into quite a conundrum.

 "Speak up Captain" Raphael insisted again, his voice rising just a little further, all humour now gone 

 "And look at me, Captain" he added with just a hint of anger.

 Smith looked up, he was frightened, Raphael could see it in his eyes. It made sense, to give the old solider credit. He was to most individuals, an eccentric sight at the very least; standing over six foot tall, with a strong, slender frame, wearing armour out of date by easily two-thousand years, yet that was his chosen attire in this modern field of war. He wore a white leather cuirass with a white Fustanella too, making him resemble the Romans of old; and below that Fustanella, beautifully crafted, inlaid silver shin guards and rugged brown wooden sandals. He was quite simply, a startling clash when in the company of modern soldiers.           

 Raphael understood why he must be so disturbing, even to those who did not know him, or understand what he was; too see a man in ancient armour escort modern soldiers for their safety must make one wonder.  

  Smith gulped as Raphael continued to stare him down.

 "Human sir, you aren't exactly human" he finished, looking down like a beaten dog.

 Raphael smirked, "No Captain, I'm not, but I asked you to use my name and not my Rank" he said calmly but with a hint of sadness. 

"I may not be human Captain, but that doesn't mean I'm not a person" he finished rather bitterly.

  "Yes sir, sorry sir. I mean Raphael" Smith sighed heavily. Nodding to Raphael Smith calmed his own nerves, he had only worked with Raphael a couple of times before, but so far, despite his outward disapproval, Smith liked his style, to many people were scared by the Horde, it was good to see someone have some energy and treat them like the enemy, which, in the end, was all they were. That, and he didn’t care for the rumours of Stonehenge, even if they were true; mistakes happen.

 Suddenly Smith’s concentration was broken by the sound of shouting. Smith looked up, “What’s going on up their!” he shouted. The radio crackled into life.

 “Captain, we have a dead-seal door. You and Raphael better get up here”.

   Without a word Raphael took off and up the spiral staircase, a glean in his eyes, he moved unnaturally, graciously, silently and with a speed that one might assume only existed in the deepest fiction. 

 He felt exhilarated, Raphael loved the unknown, the possible, the undiscovered. That wasn’t to say he was careless though, he was just inquisitive by Nature, more so at least than his brothers and sisters. They had been made cautious by the Great War, for that he couldn’t blame them, but how they attempted to stifle his curiosity infuriated him.

 Raphael reached the first floor of the house, looking left and right down two adjacent corridors he saw Bravo squad huddled around a large oak door down the left corridor. Swiftly and assertively Raphael headed towards them; in the distance he could hear Tango squad finishing their sweep of the ground floor along with Tuzan. It won’t be long until they join us upstairs Raphael thought to himself, he could feel Tuzan’s magic searching the building, cautiously testing the house for Horde magic. 

  As Raphael walked towards the assembled squad he too, joined Tuzan in searching for traces of Horde magic; he had to be careful, there had been instances where the Horde had laid traps for individuals of his standing, ones mortals could not set off. Raphael concentrated on seeing through the veil of magic as he had been taught; with a white flash from his eyes Raphael saw the world anew. Through the turbulent veil of magic Raphael could see everything; it was like his eyes could see in ways beyond the mortal. The pulsing vibrations of his soldier’s hearts signalling to the world that they lived were as clear to him as the rising dawn. The creaking and snapping colours of the ancient house as it flexed in the heat were rather bland in this myriad of colour and sensation. Ahead of him as he walked, his magical sense probed and searched for signs of danger, like beams of white, sentient light creeping into the crevices of the world. Raphael felt an increase in dark magic, Horde magic, it was alike to an unfavourable smell to him, but the magic had been dispersed hours ago; it was the most likely, the source that their tip off had referred to.

 Raphael looked up, he was standing outside the oak door now, the soldiers had parted to make way for him, being a little taller than the average man yet they parted for him like children might a giant. With a flare of light from his eyes, Raphael looked upon the Mortal world as before, having found no sign of a trap but possibly something far more interesting.

Before he could speak the radio flared up again, “We have found the guest’s Captain, they are unconscious as expected, but there is no sign of the house’s owner, Alexander Dresden. Beyond this, there is nothing out of the ordinary down here.”

Nodding slowly, Raphael spoke, his voice carrying along the radio system, he didn’t need a radio of course, as his sister Asmodeus would say, it would clash with his outfit.

“Good work, continue your search and proceed to the second floor when done, I think I now where Alexander is”.

 Looking the dark door up and down, Raphael smirked, “I believe our house owner is behind here men, the magic is several hours old at least. The magical seal holding this door shut has been weakened, something happened on the other side, be on your guard men, anything could be on the otherside” he warned as he placed his hand upon the door knob. Mentally preparing himself Raphael spoke with a flurry of inaudible words. Raphael’s hand glowed brightly and the door, shifting in colour briefly, creaked and cracked loudly before blowing off of its hinges with a bang, crashing into the opposite wall of the sealed room, shattering plaster and paint alike.

 Quicker than you could blink Raphael was through the door with his angelic grace; a ball of light hung before him, illuminating his path in white light.

  Following their General the men of the SIS surged through the doorway, only to be stopped mere feet through, Smith pushed his way to the front, pale and nervous. A solider retched as he looked on.

 The image before them was one of surreal horror.  

The mangled, chopped and shredded corpses of a dozen or so individuals littered the room like abandoned toys. Blood was splattered up the walls and bone fragments were imbedded in the walls, as if people had exploded from within. In addition, the smell of burning flesh hung heavy in the air, something had set this place up in brief but intense magical flame. In the centre of the room was a large green chalked Occult symbol; the symbol was devoid of the light covering of ash that littered the room. Gagging on the smell of Death, Smith grimaced, “What the f**k happened here? Why are only some of these corpses burned?”

 Raphael shook his head bitterly, “fools thought they could make a deal, a dark one.” Gritting his teeth angrily Raphael turned to his men, "Find evidence men, take everything, but be careful, avoid that summing circle" he barked, sounding like a General for the first time all night, indicating the green chalked symbol. With a curt nod the soldiers set off like a pack of well-trained wolves in search for evidence.

He sighed as he looked about the room, cautious to just run in as his men could. Smith remained beside Raphael and repeated his question, doing his best to keep himself from throwing up. “This place has ash everywhere, this room evidently went up in flames, but why are only some of the corpses burned? And for that matter, what put it out?”

Raphael turned to Smith slowly, “It was Horde Fire Smith, a weapon and form of magic the Horde uses, it burns green and hot but it destroys nothing but the living, it barly singes inanimate objects and does nothing what so ever to deceased flesh.”

Smith leaned back, “are you saying?”

“yes, the burned corpses were alive when the fire started” he paused, looking at the position of the burned corpses, they were facing away from the circle, face down on the floor.

“And they were trying to leave, something terrible happened here, something went so bad they tried to leave and it burned them”.

“I think the bad thing might be there wood-chippered friends Raphael” Amith said simply.

“I fear you’re right Smith, but let’s find out”

Striding forward, Raphael approached the occult circle, his men having avoided it stiffly. The runes that the circle bore, though strange to Mortal eyes, were all too familiar to Raphael; as Smith followed him Raphael spoke.

“This is a shadow summoning circle. It is old magic, dark magic.”

“A Shadow?” Smith wondered aloud, looking uneasily at the green chalked circle and holding his pistol tightly in anticipation of trouble, his eyes shooting sharply left and right, trying to spot anything unnatural.

 Raphael began to circle the symbol, his men searching the bodies around them, he could feel the dark power of the symbols, corrupted by the Shadow, but something didn’t feel right, something had gone wrong.

“It is a creature of the Horde, like a some sort Dire dog, it will hunt you down until you’re dead. They are also the deal makers, the brokers for the Horde.

“So these fools summoned this dog and it killed them?” Smith wondered.

“No” Raphael explained curtly, “The Shadows leave a decayed husk of a corpse behind; they literally devour your life force and even resell those years to others. But these bodies are burnt, not withered husks.” Looking down at the summoning circle Raphael’s face twisted into one of concern.

“This seal was broken” he gasped, nothing the fractures that littered the chalk work of the seal, “without the seal, and a deal not struck, the shadow was banished. That would explain the burnt corpses; the breaking of a Horde seal would cause the fire. But what could have broken it?” Raphael wondered aloud, “I mean, if they know enough to make this ritual, then they would have known breaking it would mean there are deaths and more than that, it makes considerable power to break a circle, power I doubt they had.”

 Smith smirked, “maybe they were just stupid?”

Raphael laughed lightly, “If only we were so lucky Captain” Raphael sighed looking down at the floor. Following the cracks in the chalk seal Raphael’s gaze travelled to the opposite end of the seal, furthest from the door. There was a body, a solider kneeled besides him. As Raphael gazed upon them, the gears of his mind whirling in thought, the solider looked up and directly at him.

“This one is alive, I think” the solider called, clearly a little confused.

Shooting around the circle, Raphael kneeled besides the solider and the body that appeared to be male. The boy was relatively tall, hith what was dar brown hair, now blacked with soot. He wore plain skinny jeans and a shirt in contrast to what appeared to have been robes on the other corpses.

“What do you mean you think he is alive Private?” Smith barked, walking besides Raphael.

“I can feel his breath when I place my palm above his mouth Captain.”

Smith looked at the solider a little bemused, “What about a pulse?”

“I would check sir, but I can’t seem to touch him”

“Say again Private?”

“Show me” Raphael jumped in, unwilling to touch the boy until he saw what was preventing the solider, he sensed no Horde magic coming from the boy, but one could never be to careful.

Nodding, the solider gently placed two fingers to the boys pulse, or tried to at least. As he reached the boys skin a field of light blue light was revealed, shimmering under the pressure of the soldiers hand, the shield prevented the hand from touching the boys skin.

“A shield” Raphael remarked, smiling a little, he hadn’t seen one in such a very long time, “How does it feel to the touch private?” Raphael barked.

“A slight tingle in my fingers if I continue to push General but nothing more than that”.

Raphael nodded, “good, good, thank you private, I have got it from here.” Nodding in acknowledgment the solider left, only to be replaced by Smith who took his place opposite Raphael, the boy between them.

Spreading his hand above the boy Raphael began to murmur in a mix of Ancient Hebrew and Latin, his eyes and hand gaining a bright white glow about them. “Let’s see what is going on” he said to Smith.

“What is this?” Smith inquired, looking down at the boy, “this shield I mean.”

Raphael spoke as he skimmed his glowing hand over the starlight blue shield, “It is a protective barrier Smith.  

Author's Note

All criticisms welcome. Just please ignore my grammar, spelling and awful use of homophones.

I also apologise for the construction of the section its self, I could use with some direction on that.

Reviews

[corvus]

I really liked this story, and I think you can go far with it. I especially like your concept; angels and demons get me. I like that.

Your similes. I am jealous. You effectively use them throughout both the prologue and first chapter and they're really great analogies, too. I feel as if Storyworker has really go into depth about how you can improve this, and I'll be interested to see how the changes effect your work.

But overall, really well done!

[Jonathan]

For the love of the Saints, laddie, stop being so damn good at writing! It's not fair! :P. Seriously though, tis a good piece of work, I've read the second section at yours, tho' obviously bits were added in after. The firsts section is good, but it just seems cluttered with capitals, i don't know if anyone else shares that, it just seems like every fourth or fifth word is capitalised..... Still damn good, just the capitalisation made it odd to read.

[Storyworker]

I am very sorry for making you wait so long for me to finish this review. It has been a very busy week, and even now I’m sure it will get busier. But for now, review time.

So I’d like to go over your prologue before I actually read the first chapter “Raphael”. I’ll start by reviewing your prologue, then your second chapter, and then I’ll bring it all together at the end in a combined review.

The first thing I noticed about your prologue was the fact that it was…well…a prologue. I always warn writers about the use of prologues. Prologues are often extremely overused, and are often used as an “easy way out” of sorts in order to grab a reader’s attention. Recently though, they are driving readers away because they are so cliché. Many prologues are set up in a very similar manner with a point of view different from the rest of the story that ends in a shocking last line that is meant to draw the reader in. To me, a style like this is more or less of a gimmick. In my opinion, a writer really needs to think about why they have a prologue and whether or not they need a prologue at all. In the case of your prologue, I could very easily see how it could probably be molded into the main story itself. At this point I haven’t read the first chapter yet, so I don’t exactly know, but it seems that you have revealed to us an engaging fact: The General is Lucifer. Like I said, you could easily mold this mystery into the story itself. Throughout the book, a reader could try to figure out who this character is, or you could just reveal it early on in a way just as effective as it was in a prologue. Prologues are tricky business, and aren’t to be taken lightly. Not to mention that I once wrote a prologue, and the people I had read it kept skipping it because they thought they didn’t need to read it, but that’s another problem entirely.

Here’s some suggested reading for you to look at regarding the use of prologues. I give this to practically everyone with a prologue: http://www.foremostpress.com/authors/articles/prologue.html

Now I’m not saying that prologues are bad, but they can be used carelessly. You really have to make sure you’re doing things right when working with a prologue.

Moving on to the plot of the prologue, I do like it. The events were explained well, and there was little confusion on my part. The plot was also interesting and kept my attention well. I would say that you mentioned three different individuals throughout it. White Falcon, Tuzan, and Raphael. Raphael seemed to get the most attention during this section. This may be because he is the main character of the story, I don’t know yet, but if White Falcon and Tuzan are going to be just as involved, or involved nonetheless, you should give them some more emphasis here so that the reader remembers them when it’s their turn to appear in the story.

The actual writing was pretty stellar. The beginning of the prologue was really well-written and it drew me in more so than what was happening within the story. A few things on the writing though. Adjectives. If you read my other review you’ll notice that I comment on adjectives in almost every single one. Take a look at this passage from your prologue:

“The man gave his perfect smile, white and full; he laughed his infectious, if somewhat unsettling laugh.”

There are a lot of adjectives used in this one sentence. Overall, your use of adjectives was really good. In fact it worked with the style that you had going. I liked that, but still watch out that you don’t overdo it. Don’t use an overly high amount of adjectives to describe everything. It breaks up the story. And whatever you do, avoid using adjectives paired with verbs!!! “He walked SLOWLY” or “He SUDDENLY walked to the chair.” (These aren’t lines from your story) Adjectives paired with verbs show that your verb wasn’t good enough to work on its own, so avoid that. You didn’t do this much in your prologue though, so good job on that. But you did use the word “suddenly” in one spot. Here it is:

““I must insist General that that is not wise at all!” The Prime Minister exclaimed suddenly.”

The word “suddenly” is very easy to use accidentally. Just make sure you clear the bad ones out in your drafts.

Another thing I have to say about the writing refers to this passage here:

“He was a tall, lean man, with broad shoulders and a warriors cut; he was well dressed in a black suit and shirt, perfectly polished shoes too. His cheek bones were ever so slightly sharp against his somewhat pale skin, his lips were smooth, the lower thicker than a typical mans. His hair was dark like shadow, styled and spiked subtly to make him appear taller; not that he needed it, being over six foot four already. But it was the finer points that unnerved the Prime Minister so, the perfection of the man’s hands, perfectly defined, delicate yet strong, each tendon showing subtly with each gentle but strong motion as the man swirled his glass of white rum. Then there were his eyes, serpentine green, shining like polished gemstones, they pierced the dark room as if they shone light itself.”

I pasted the entire passage into this review to show you how long it really is. This is all description of The General. It is condensed into one paragraph with a huge amount of information coming at the reader. The problem with description like this is that it is completely separate from the story. You completely pause the story in order to tell the reader what The General looks like, and then continue. Honestly, this makes a reader completely forget what the description just said. Unless the description is eased in, and separated throughout the story, the reader won’t really be able to remember that vast amount of information that was just thrown at them. It’s like reading a textbook. All of the information is there in one big paragraph with one fact for every couple of words, but it’s really hard to memorize without flashcards and studying. You never want to force your reader to have to study. That is, unless you’re writing a book for an advanced English course, but even then you have to write it right. (Hah, write it right. That rhymes.)

Dialogue. Honestly it can be one of the trickiest things out there to write, but apparently that isn’t true for you. Your dialogue is great. The only thing I would suggest is that you not explain what the person’s line of dialogue sounded like. If it was an insult, it should reflect within the dialogue itself. You shouldn’t have to say that it was said in an insulting tone. It’s things like this that you should avoid. Most of the dialogue was already very expressive though, so good job on that.

So now I’m going to move on to your first chapter. “Raphael”. I will now read it.

………………………………..

Alright, done.

The first thing I noticed here was a style change. It wasn’t all that major, but it was there. The “Raphael” chapter became faster paced and less descriptive, which shocked me a bit. It’s pretty hard to maintain a constant style throughout your story, but it does need to be done. Style is one of those things that will differentiate your story from other’s. Keep writing drafts of this story though, and your style will cement itself. Writing is really the way to get a style in my opinion, right ahead of reading. Read a lot of books by a lot of different authors, and a style will develop as well. Just be aware of your style in general.

This time around I noticed your clever use of metaphors and similes. Here’s just one of them:


“So, like a pack of well-trained wolves the men took about the search for evidence and Raphael turned back to Smith.”

These are really effective, and you’re skillful in using them. Good job there. Most writers, including me, have trouble naturally using metaphors and similes in their work. You also tend to use rather unique similes. They aren’t often used. For instance, from your prologue:

“The Prime minister gulped, his heart was racing, the General could snap at any moment, he was as precarious as an undomesticated Rhino.”

This is a great example. I don’t often see writers use this and that is very good. But, this specific example didn’t blend into the story very well. Make sure your metaphors and similes blend or else they act like speed bumps, slowing the reader down. Don’t make your metaphors and similes too blatant.

Once again I really like the dialogue, but I don’t really like how it was described. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:

"Yes sir, sorry sir. I mean Raphael!" blabbered Smith worriedly.

“blabbered Smith WORRIEDLY”

Once again, you’re describing the dialogue, like I mentioned in my review of the prologue. Just make sure your dialogue is effective enough to do without this description. You do this way too much in this chapter. In fact, the line of dialogue I just used works well on its own. Just delete “Worriedly”.

There was a point at the end of the chapter where I was very confused. Raphael was traveling between worlds of something in order to resurrect the boy. It was hard to follow, and I had to go back and read it over to understand. You almost never want the reader to have to go back and read it again in order to understand. You want things to be understandable and clear unless you are trying to confuse the reader as part of your style, and that takes a lot of work and skill. Make sure you are able to portray your story well. Sometimes writers can assume that the reader knows information because they know it themselves, and this happens unconsciously. You need to develop the ability to get past this.

I would like to go in to lore. Your story had a lot of background information that is very intriguing. Obviously this world you’ve created was once our own. I’m guessing that something happened, but there are so many questions to be answered. These questions are not blatantly there to draw the reader in, but they do so very well. This is how you want to draw readers in, not with a cliché prologue. You have constructed a world with a lot of mystery to it, and that is what got my attention in the end. The will to keep reading comes from your ability to create mystery, without making the reader feel like you’ve just accidentally left things out. That’s good. But make sure you’ve constructed your lore well. You don’t want any holes in your background for the story or else you will find yourself messing up when you have to align your story to your lore. Make sure everything is planned out, and don’t just go with a basic concept of a background in order to write your story.

Lastly, sentence structure. You use a lot of commas where there should be periods. I know this is a grammar thing, and you wanted me to avoid that, but the grammar is really upsetting your sentence structure, so as soon as you can, get those periods and commas in order. Right now you have a lot of odd spots in your story where the writing just doesn’t seem to flow.

All in all I do love your writing. It is advanced even though I’ve gone a bit overboard on the pickiness in my review. I like how you write because it’s pretty well thought out and organized. Keep working on this, and once again, sorry I was so late on this review. It’s been a long week.

-Storyworker

[John Holmes]

Before I respond to this fantastic review I just wanted to say thank you! this review is fantastically helpful and means an awful lot to me. Thanks again.

Okay so I plan on going through your review chronologically.

Okay, so. Your points on the use of a prologue are very fair and interesting, I have been wondering, considering the nature of my book, to often split chapters into two parts (1 and 2) and this way allow for a scene change without a whole new chapter. This could be especially important since many scenes of my book will have different main characters communicating with other characters away from the other main characters (if that makes sense). there are quite a few main characters in this book I must admit. Of course then we get into a question of what is a main character and to be honest with you I can only say one is completely a "protagonist" and that is John Lantos, however many other characters will have a major bearing on the book. (I thought that would be worth mentioning).
Anyways I most likely side-track. Thanks you for the links, I will give them a committed read.
Thank you for the compliments as to the plot of the prologue, It was a new edition to my work (the character Raphael being a updated older piece) possibly explain this subtle style difference you mentioned. I guess it would be possible to retype the whole thing (better to build something new than attach onto I guess, right? ((I will obviously keep the old draft!)). As for Tuzan, Raphael and White Falcon, Raphael is a major character I would say as is Lucifer, White falcon will become one later, however the reason he isn’t mentioned a lot is because they don’t know who he/she is. White Falcon is an anonymous communicator and likely won’t be met in this book (I expect this to be more than one book if I am honest) . As for Tuzan he is currently not a major character but a “memorable face” he will be present throughout the book. I also feel he is important to try and demonstrate the existence of Human sorcerers, “Magi” and non-human sorcerers, like Angels and gods (does that work/make sense?)

Thank you for pointing out my use of Adjectives and the such like, To be frank I struggle with all of the concepts (being dyslexic and all). So I can often hear what is wrong with my work, but I can’t always know the best way to approach it. Finally (for the prologue) I agree with the description of Lucifer, it is too long and I thought that when writing, but I was unsure. I guess I will attempt to break the description up and make it more memorable (he has another scene in chapter 2 part 2) so I can mention some characteristics their again? (Help the reader remember).

As for my first/second chapter. Like I said previously, it is older than the prologue and this will likely explain the style difference, I will attempt to re write it I think afresh, using this chapter as a base (I honestly get too worried about lagging on with detail ((my original work was 72 pages long and something was only just happening so, yeah).

The whole nether world death scene I admit needs some work, I found it tricky to write (I just hope the Nether was described suitably, I hope it made the reader uncomfortable slightly, after all, he is dead)
No I appreciate everything you have said! It has been a great help, I hope (when I finally write them) you feel the urge to continue reading my book. I have found your review enlightening and useful. I just hope I can make these corrections.

Grammar will always be a pain! XD again the dyslexia makes it difficult.

Again, thank you so much! It means a lot to me.

[Anubis Sisters]

If I may give some of my own personal pointers: One: Sometimes I do not understand why a prime minister would use that language. Two: During the end part of Raphael there's a bit of a view point shift from Raphael to the Magi. Three: And some of the ! I find (Again this is my personal point of view) have no place in some places for example "Raphael kicked the front door down with a swift kick!" I think the ! should be removed.
Sorry if this is more criticized than it should be.
One last point before I forget: The situation of the whole war, I think, should be elaborated more like what brought it upon them and what caused it to happen.
But other than that It was really awesome! I can't wait to read more of it, keep up the good work! (I feel a little weird saying this since you have been the one to give me the points Hah!)

[carol burgess romance]

Wow, you grabbed my attention. very intense and gripping all the way through. My only thought was the ring...it brings me to Tolkin and Frodo....just my opinion but I would use something else in place of the ring, for me the ring has been a story done many times where as using another symbol...tool.... would work better. This is excellent and if all your chapters were as good as this you have a hit.

[John Holmes]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! This is the sort of feedback I really do appreciate! thank you again. I hope you enjoy the rest as I write it.

And as for the ring, your point is noted, currently it is planned to be a minor plot device, nothing major at all, if even minor. However, if t does become a mjour plot device or even a significant one, i will likely change what sort of object it is.

[carol burgess romance]

You are welcome and I am sure the other chapters will be a great read

[Wez Hardyn]

Never experienced the abrupt change you make at the end - from third person narrative to first person! There seems to be a zeitgeist for angels at the moment. The old testament and Revelation are an infinite source of ideas for heathen story tellers like ourselves? You see the movie 'Dogma'? It's a bit hard to identify with any of the characters at the moment but it's early days and I'll be tuning in for the next installment - 'di te incolumem custodiant'.

[John Holmes]

hmmm fair point, i missed that! thanks.

yes, well Angels, Demons and many Pagan gods will be major characters within the book itself. (One of my concerns is too many characters but anyways). I have seen Dogma, i enjoyed it greatly! yes this is the literal beginning of the book, i am just trying to set the scene an di have no idea how effectively i am. I have a rough version of events prior to Raphael s entrance, i am just unsure whether to have them as a flashback or not.

Wow that was longer than I thought it was going to be.

anyways, thank you for the review! it is most appreciated. if you have any questions feel free to message me.

[Marcus Parks]

These thoughts may be a little jumbled, as it's hard for me to make a comment without being able to write on the manuscript. :P So, bear with me.

it's hard sometimes to start in the middle of things (but it's a very effective and engrossing technique). I felt like it was intriguing, but you didn't really tell us what's so noticeably distinguishable about Raphael (the comment made from Smith). Also, it seems inappropriate to have them have that conversation, since later it implied that they'd worked together for some time. It also threw off the flow if you have there be a little pause between discussing protocol and "where's the fun in that?" if that makes sense.

The picture you paint is kinda easy to see in the mind's eye, but I certainly had a hard time picturing the character's physical details, and their personalities weren't shown enough for my mind to fill in the blanks. I'm not saying that they're flat characters, just that with this particular scene, there wasn't much to go on.

I also had a hard time of knowing the importance of Tuzan. In fact, because of the way it's written, it was an awkward phrasing that told us he was actually in the scene.

I would be interested to see more.

I hope this was helpful.

[John Holmes]

Thank you for the feedback Marcus! this is what I struggle with, it is sometimes too easily for me to see my own assumptions in my writing, knowing after all who and what every character is. The original intention was that Smith does know what Raphael is, but simply struggles to admit it.

Furthermore I entirely agree with my issues with character description, i can imagine my characters, but putting their descriptions to paper is very difficult for me.

I have added additional detail accordingly and I have also continued the section to a more conclusive end I feel.

Any additional feedback you could give would be most appreciated.
Thank you again.

[Marcus Parks]

If I understand correctly, grammar and technique are things that you're not looking for right now, you're more concerned about the story and presentation, right?

Well, if we're going to view the story as a fluid stream of time, why did you choose to drop in at this particular scene? It's of my preference that if going En Media Res (in the middle of things) is going to be the way to start the story, the more concise, the better. If it shows too much, then we ask too many questions and give up, feeling the story will be lost on us.

It also seems like this is supposed to give the reader the feeling that the clock is ticking and time is running out. But considering that we don't know what's going on, nor do we have any reason to care about the characters at this point, we're just reading going "Okay, so what?"