Realisation

Next thing she knows she is out of the company with her stuff piled up in a small torn cardboard box struggling to carry it to her car. She felt incapable of understanding fully what had just happened, what caused her to say those two words that have just proven destructive for her career. What's gotten into me she thought alarmed, as the anxiety took over only to be replaced with panic later as she realised that her financial independence was at serious risk, she hated dependence of any sort to anything or anyone.

Her parents would never approve of it. To their eyes she was still the impulsive immature youth that had no idea what sought out of  life. Besides how could she ever explain to them that it was as if some magical force took over, forcing her to speak the words she never dared to. That would make her seem even more childish, she thought and no one dares to understand children, because they fear their brutal honesty dipped in innocence, deriving from simplicity.

However, she was cheerful in a way she never did before, she defied the consequences. She was breaking the rules, she challenged the system on which she had so hopelessly built her life on, sacrificing her financial stability, a career she spend so much time and effort on, a career her parents chose for her, all for the sake of happiness, the essence of life. Now she could respect herself.

 

Her bank account had enough money for three or four months to her relief and instead of going of in search of a new profession she went to the bank extracting all of her hard earned money. Then she returned home, packed her bags, kissed the photo of her dead husband and opened the door in a rush, sweetly whispering to him as if he where there: "I am sorry Gerald, I have to do this alone." His photograph was left behind along with the past that accompanied it, that which had a bittersweet taste.

 

The young woman followed that unfamiliar voice which guided her into the unknown. She had nothing further to lose. When you reach bottom, you can only go higher. Joy filled her heart, without the commitment of hopes and expectations. She went to the airport and bought a ticket to a random destination, she knew that the knowledge could be found anywhere, even in the smallest things, lying within the details, but she needed this journey and so she set off.

 

She considered it unnecessary to call her parents and inform them, they never had a close relationship anyway, avoiding any confrontations with them, provoked by her sudden change and their disapproval of it. She did not fear their reaction or their authoritarian behaviour, just their rejection for her as a person.

 

However she could not help being thankful for everything they had ever done for her, even though it might have been the wrong decisions, she knew that they cared and that all has been done in good will based on their own version of happiness, so she could not blame them. They were as ignorant and superficial as the rest of the world. They were victims too and accomplices at the same time of the induced order and control, according to Gerald’s book.

 

She had no idea where all of this would lead, but that was what it made it even more fascinating. The excitement did not fade not even after she reached into the heart of the city after traveling for so long, where she made arrangements for one month to a small cheap yet cosy apartment. She was incredibly tired but she did not rest, her new motive was seize the moment and so she did.

 

Walking the streets late at night, alone, was not the wisest choice, however she was not afraid, nor of the people, nor of the darkness. Darkness is the unknown and that is why people fear it, but not her. She knew that in darkness we project our fears, our ghosts, but she was free of them, she herself released them and now it was just her and the absence of light. She did not fear the consequences, in contradiction to most people, she took responsibility for her actions, she realised her place in the world and was ready to pay any price her actions and choices would lead her to.

 

The young woman walked all the way down to the abandoned alley, concealed by the night in a steady pace. She stood in stillness, she stood in silence, the way the ruins of houses stood, once built with dreams and hopes, now possessed by the nothingness. No one expects any happiness out of them anymore, they are forgotten and alone. They are free and all is well.